Which is worse

Infidelity?

or lying about one's Infidelity?

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

Answers

Both

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

I defer to Hillary

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

That is a trick question. If one is unfaithful, one should NEVER under any circumstances tell.

I'm interested in Stephens thoughts here also. Reason being: I had a friend who cheated and his Pastor told the guy to confess!!!!!

I say lie till you die. Both are wrong, but silence is golden, imho.

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

Speaking from personal experience, I believe the lying is worse.

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

I have worked with people who think that 100% "truthfulness" means to tell everything they know, feel and think. I have actually had people like this come up to me out of the blue and say, "Brother, I'm sorry."

I go: "Huh? For what?"

"I was angry at you last week. I was convinced that you were an egomaniacal so-and-so and I had a very bad attitude toward you and I wanted you to DIE and I wanted God to crush you like a worm. But I'm over it now. Forgive me."

I stand there stunned for a minute, then: "... Uh, OK. I forgive you."

This is sort of the same thing. I honestly don't know. It depends on the situation. If the guy made a dumb mistake, deeply regrets it and is keeping quiet about it, that's one thing. If he's deliberately lying about it, that's another.

I'm not a moral relativist, but I do think that you have to consider the offense. For example, if a man happens to see a pretty woman and gets into some serious fantasies, that's one thing (though Jesus said this was just as bad as adultery[g]). If he has a one-night stand, that's another. If he has a twelve-month affair, well, that's REALLY something.

I don't know. Maybe that's one reason why I stay faithful and always have. I could brag that it's because I'm a great fellow, but maybe the truth is, Sandy (and me Mumz) would kill me DEAD if I ever tried it. I'm chicken. :)

And on the serious side, I can't even imagine what it would do to Sandy, and I don't want to ever have to face it. A night of pleasure isn't worth destroying everything we built.

But by the same token, people are human and they make mistakes. I think each person has to work it out with God and just handle it as it needs to be for each situation.

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

I think it depends on the personalities of the couple involved. My guess is that most folks wouldn't want to know, and if it took a lie to keep them from knowing, it's considered a lie of protection [either of the mate or, using Stephen's example of the "sinner".]

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

Anita,

Right. It may be the TRUTH that you wet your bed. But do I really need to broadcast that to all the kids in school?

Hey, I was just telling the truth!

One of my favorite quotes came from an old crusty curmudgeon of a Church of Christ preacher. He said on his radio program one day (in between bouts of sending everyone but his flock directly to hell), "you know, the old I get, the more I realize that the secret to a happy marriage is knowing when to keep your mouth shut." :)

(I didn't think the boy had such wisdom in him.[g])

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2001

Stephen:

Yep. I made a big deal, when my kids were growing up, of telling the truth to me. Basically, I told them that I would forgive anything they'd done if they just didn't lie to me about it. I'd already lied to them about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, but I was trying to raise kids here. I can't even count the lies of omission between Lucky and myself. I knew QUITE WELL what she could handle and what she couldn't.

I was totally unprepared for the unabashed truth my kids threw at me daily. I knew that [as a parent], I couldn't allow my shock to show. We can't tell them one thing and "mean" another. My poker- face became perfected by the time they were 8 or 10. I never DID, however, have control over my right eyebrow. Folks at work used to say, "Oh my God. She just gave me the eyebrow!" long before I had kids.

When the kids knew they'd done something wrong, they hung their heads before me [so they couldn't see my face], saying, "Mom, beat me, ground me forever, but PLEASE don't give me the eyebrow." Who woulda thunk there was such power in an involuntary eyebrow response?

SO and I met in something like 1971 or 1972. He's WELL AWARE of the involuntary eyebrow response, and [just like the kids], I see him following my facial expressions, perhaps WAITING for that right eyebrow to raise. Heh. He knows that he could tell me that he'd slept with 10 women in the past week, but if that eyebrow didn't raise, everything was okay. If the eyebrow raised, he'd probably give me the house and all his possessions and move immediately.

There's something VERY scary about this eyebrow of mine. I've never understood it MYSELF. I've never hit my kids and I rarely even raise my voice unless there's a noise that requires it. I can't get a handle on it, because I have no control over it, but folks MUST see a demon, ready to kill them on the spot.

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2001

I should think this depends on whether or not you've been unfaithful. If you have not, lying about it is just asking for trouble!

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2001

Anita--

Is the arched eyebrow a math teacher thing? Do they teach it Ed school? My math teacher wife was a master at it.

-- Anonymous, March 31, 2001

Lars: The "eye" thing seems to be something one is born with. My dad never raised his voice or his hand to any of us kids, but his eyes changed color or something and when his eyes did that, we felt like a wad of gum that had just been run over by a truck. We didn't address HIM with how his eyes made us feel, but we talked about it amongst ourselves. It was like a pain in his eyes, and we knew that we'd done something to put it there. I saw that look in SO's eyes ONCE and I wanted to crawl under a rock. I saw a combination of eye/eyebrow gestures in my second daughter when she was two years old. Her eyebrows scrunch down and her eyes get very small, but the message is the same, "I am VERY, VERY hurt and disappointed." It can't be taught, or even un-taught. It's as involuntary a response as an eye-blink, and can't occur at will. Heh. After hearing about it for so long, I actually stood in front of a mirror and tried to "will" my eyebrow. NOTHING happened.

-- Anonymous, March 31, 2001