Y'all, it's 10:30. What is happening to MATH?

Allison - I think your update was great. What a great tribute to a good woman. I'm sure your mom was very touched as well.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Answers

I don't know what's happening to MATH.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

I'm here, I'm here. Y'all know I can't do my MATH duty as well as I used to from the Examining Room, right? I mean, people are all around me now, watching me...

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Studying your every move. Just waiting so they can pounce and steal your Uncle Ben's.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Okay, this is random, but the Uncle Ben reference reminded me of a Mad TV (or SNL - one of them) skit where a few guys are saying what their happiest fantasy is. They all involve women except for one, whose happiest fantasy involves the man on the Cream of Wheat box. They show what he's imagining, and he's in a kitchen and the Cream of Wheat man is dressed in his chef's uniform, gleefully spooning Cream of Wheat into the guy's mouth. The guy's face has a post-coital expression on it. It ends with the guy saying, "Thank you, Cream of Wheat man!"

For some reason, it sent me into hysterics.

Allison, when I was in that group room, I got lucky that our insert pages look alot like the Greenspin pages.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

They need to be backing up OFF my Uncle Ben's now...

I did have a suspicion this morning that someone - cleaning lady, I am looking at you - might have made off with one of my ghetto Diet Chek Ginger Ales last night, but I didn't count them before I left, so I can't say for sure.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Well, this is even MORE random, but the Cream of Wheat Man story reminded me...

When we were at sxsw, we saw this band called the Willard Grant Conspiracy, and the MOC and I just loved them, in part because the lead singer was practically asleep during the performance.

We've been talking about, wherever we go from here, starting a band and last night, Chris said we should name it the Wilford Brimley Conspiracy and he could play oatmeal boxes, instead of drums.

I nearly cried.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

I think you should move to Atlanta to start your band. I certainly do.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Well, it's certainly a possibility. Especially if the bastards at Emory would come through. I'm beginning to suspect they will not, however. But he has to hear soon. And we may just move there anyway, just because. But I don't know.

We're going to talk about it when he's up here Easter weekend.

Y'all, I'm going to drag MOC to church with me to hear me sing on Easter Sunday. Of course, you know this means he can't wear the Virginia shirt OR the $7 jacket.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

As well you should. And he shouldn't.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

I love old Brimley. What was that show, Our House? Or something? With the young Shannen Dorhety?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

And Deirdre Hall. Their dad was a pilot who died in a plane crash. Shannen Doherty wanted to be a figher pilot, but she had plane crash issues. Apparently, when their dad died, they lost their house so the moved in with oatmeal man.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Yes. Is that the only t.v. show Marlena's been in besides Days? I see ads for it on NBC and it makes me so, so sad that I can't watch it anymore. I'd buy a TiVo just for Days. Too bad they're like $700.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Yes. Our House. They're the Witherspoons. I looked it up on imdb.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

I'm here!

Well, now I'm leaving for lunch. The Fantasy chat just ended. But I'll be back.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Dammit, M. You should have warned us again about the chat. I hate to miss them.

I'm going to lunch, too. Back soon.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Yay, Mike's back!

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Well, I'm not really back until Friday. But I'm here now, because of the chat.

It's actually a tandem thing this year ... with the baseball weekly fantasy guy. It's a little different, but it still works out well.

What'd I miss?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

And y'all wonder why I'm mean on SIMS? I get back from Minnepolis, and I'm an L_L already?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Mike - the MATH forum is one big L_L lately. I guess we're all like, good employees now, or some shit.

Did you update?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Not yet ... I'm going to write a couple of entries tonight and upload them next time I'm in (tomorrow or Friday).

It's 60-some degrees here. That makes me happy to be back. There was still snow on the ground in Minneapolis.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Any good Final Four stories?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

You gotta read my columns to find that out!

Or at least my journal entries, once I update. But the one thing I was most gratified about was that everyone blasted the pro-Duke officiating Monday, so now it's a national story instead of just a complaint from Maryland fans.

It was a lot of fun, though.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Did you see how the Other Hannah linked to you by saying you know lots about bball, but not enough to stop being a Maryland fan? Hee.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

I did not. That rocks! But I already link to her. She's really funny.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

See, I really think that Mike and The Other Hannah should get together. Except for the Maryland thing, that is.

I'm so glad that everyone knows what bullshit those calls were on Sunday night, by the way.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

You know, I wrote about the officiating Monday night (http://www.usatoday.com/sports/basketba/marchmania/2001mens/stories/2 001-04-02-berman-officials.htm), but I really bent over backwards to be fair ... I didn't want my bosses to think I was being a whiny Maryland fan. Then I check out the papers Tuesday, and everyone had written about it. I thought that was great.

I mean, Shane Battier could have gone out there with a knife and gun, both nights, and not been called for a foul. And on Monday, even the guy from the Duke student paper was saying "Wow, that was Jason Williams' fifth foul right there" at one point in the second half.

But what can you do?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

See, and ABC or CBS or whoever the hell was airing it NEVER SHOWED THE FOUL COUNT. They did, like, twice.

Oh, so much work. I went home for lunch and changed into my jeans because I was hoping to leave early but I have a shit ton to do. Actually, shit. I can't go see the babies because it's been six months since my last tuberculin skin test and even though I'm fairly positive I haven't contracted tuberculosis, I did leave the country and I do have contact with other people, and I could never forgive myself if it turned out I did have tuberculosis and I endangered a little baby.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

So Mike, are you the little baseball with the red cap, or are you the one with the yellow cap? Really, when I read "Berman & Hunt On Fantasy," two little baseballs aren't exactly what come to mind. Or something. Ew.

I don't know if Chris has contacted you - he's not thrilled with his draft, from what I gather.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

I'm the L_L! Where is AB, by the way?

Also, Mike, please don't take my Berman and Hunt logo comments the wrong way. It sounded a little odd, all typed out.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Good thing they didn't use your first name and his last, Mike Hunt.

Did you know I was in COLLEGE before I figured that joke out?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Everyone here keeps asking me which baseball I am as well. I tell them whichever one is better-looking.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

No kidding! Which baseball was the Berma-baseball was the first thing I thought of when I saw that logo.

So, how are you with sharing your chat?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

I think it's actually good for me. John Hunt is a bigger name in fantasy baseball than I am, so it probably helps my credibility.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

That's great, then. You've always been the leading fantasy baseball authority in my book, though.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Seriously, there's no bigger name than Berman in the fantasy baseball, or fantasy anything else, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Dammit, y'all. My host server must be down because HYD is down and I can't update. Hmph.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

OK, y'all, I'm out. Have a great evening.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Ew, you're right. That sucks.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

d'oh, that does suck. I hate it when your daddy's down.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Oh, y'all. I just NOW read Meloonsa's entry about erin and her crush boy. I hope that's all straightened out, but poor, poor Erin. Scaaaaaary.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

You just read that now? Did you read the one where she shats herself?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Oh god. That Meloonsa. She didn't win the case - they dismissed it. Two very, VERY different things. That's like saying your team won when really, they tied. I bet the prosecuter gave the case up because they were sick of hearing little miss poopy-pants blather about whatever.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

No. I'm just scared in general. Why would anyone post all that personal shit about someone? If I was "crush boy" I'd get her in trouble right quick.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

No, that's like saying you won when the other team forfiets. She's literally psycho. And she's going to be a public defender.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

Okay kiddos, I'm going home soon. No An Bei, all day? Why is that?

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001

She's just so pie-eyed with the idea of being a public defender. The reason my friend Liz is so great at being a PD is because she knows that the people she's defending are the scum of the earth. They kill men over an agrument that started because of a pie. They are accused of killing crack whores who owe them money and then burning their houses down. They're not nice people, and they're not people who you'd want in your neighborhood. Most of the time, clearing their record isn't the objective; getting a lighter sentence for them is.

This weekend she was telling me about a case where her client was accused of shooting a man dead. As usual, he said that there was a struggle and the gun went off, through his jacket. Liz asked him why, then, there wasn't a bullet hole in his jacket. The guy said that he was going to hire him a "real" lawyer who could get him off. Liz was like, "What the fuck ever. You shot a guy. You admit to owning the gun, and the bullet came from your gun. That's what's working against you. There's no hole in your jacket, so get your story straight. Deal with it."

Sure, every once in a while you'll come across someone who really needs your help - who really is innocent. But chances are, if you're in jail, you've done something pretty awful at some point in time.

Ugh. Meloonsa irks me no end.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2001