I love Heath more than you worthless pagan swine!

Prove me wrong - bonus points for replies using poetry, haiku and iambic pentameter.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Answers

Perhaps my thoughts on the subject can be best summarized by the following rap lyric:

I have you grabbin on your ankles and spreadin your toes

Cause I'ma fuck ya till you get a bloody nose

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Wow, Rudeboy, I guess you do like Heath best!

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Just remember, haiku must have a seasonal component or it's not haiku.

Thus:

Grab / bin' / an' / spread / in'
An / kles / an' / toes / I'm / gon / na
Fuck / you / in / spring / time.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

It is tragedy that I did not see this thread first, before I blew my heathpoetry load over at the challenge thread. But I can do it again.

Ahem.

Haiku of Heathums

Like a candy bar
Gonna pull off your wrapper
the snow burns softly.

I mean, even though
You're really funny looking
cherry blossoms sway.

You and me, baby.
canons in The Patriot
The duck bobs gently.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Foiled by lousy formatting. I am shamed.

I done fixed it for you, snookums.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

I'm just so happy.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Rudeboy, I don't know Heath from Shakespeare either, but dude, turn on the lights next time before you start pokin

Unless I'm wrong about you.

And in that case, as you were

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

no, you're right about me cory. I guess I was only trying to convey a bisexual - or maybe nonsexual is a better word - raw passion that can only be truly captured by the word picture of fucking someone until they have a bloody nose. Afterall, it is a contest to see who loves him the most. I wouldn't really fuck him til his nostrils bled. Well, maybe if the lights were out like you said, and he had really big boobs and a nice furry... nah I wouldn't fuck him. His eyes are too beady.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

yay! beth, you are all that is good. thank you.

heath's eyes are not beady. They are deep pools of chocolate toffee love.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

You all love Heath more than I do. I am chagrined to admit that I know not who he is.

I mean, I know he's that blond guy on the poster for that new movie about the knights, because I read about it in Fametracker. But that's all I know.

I love him a little bit anyway, though, just because I love all of you, and your love for Heath spills over, fills me up, and makes my toenails tingle.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Beth, he was also the groove thang with the doofy accent in The Taming of the Shrew. I mean, 10 Things I Hate About You.

Can I just pause a moment to mention that I hate the title of that movie unreservedly, because it had absolutely and completely nothing to do with anything that happened within the framework of said movie? Thank you.

Anyway. Heath. My man. He was in that movie, and then, in another movie. With canons. And Mel Gibson in a ponytail. He was the guy who did the thing. You know. Patriotically, or something.

Okay, I don't really love him. I was faking it. I'm ashameded.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Awww, come now. Don't be afraid. It was all the talk of rough, brutish man sex that scared you away wasn't it? You can love him too. In fact, you can have him right after I'm done makin' him bleed.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Oh boy spangled pants
You made me want to freak
poke my flower hard


-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Jen,

You know, it wasn't until I read your post that I realized that there IS a connection between the movie's title and its source material.

If you think of the title of the original work, "Ten Things I Hate About You" comes very close, scansion-wise, to Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew":

the / TAM / ing / OF / the / SHREW --> ten / THINGS / I / HATE / about / YOU

There's that one syllable difference, but if you say them both very quickly, they do sound alike.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Hey - yeah! Okay, I see it. Euphonically similar, and pretty clever. But I still maintain that it has not a lot to do with the material. Except that they hate each other. But that was on general principles! There were no lists! They weren't tallying anything!

Okay, I'm getting too wrapped up in this.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

It was in the poem Julia Stiles read out loud in class, with all of the "I hate you because" stuff.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Here is the poem she read:

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick --
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh --
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way
I don't hate you --
Not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.

Mind you, that's more than ten, but there it is.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Oh, man, they totally ripped that off from Billy and the Boingers:

I hate your polyester pantsuits
And your greasy hair
And that stuff between your braces
And your hairy derriere

You just don't steal from the classics.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Of Heath, my love for, I shall speak: I'll pine for him throughout the week. He's famed for his philosophy Of demiphalliosity! His manly chest, his manly arms, And all his other manly charms... My heart is his; I'll never wed Unless he's in my marriage bed.

(So, fine, I'll grant, though this be trite, I've never even seen his site. My so-called burning love for Heath In truth lies just a bit beneath My love for pond scum, rotting trash, And week-old plates of succotash. My sole aim here, on which I'm banking, Is moving Xeney up the rankings.)

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

Oh, darn. I'd forgotten the need to put line breaks in manually on Greenspun. (Actually, I still don't remember any such need... but then, it's been ages since I used one of these boards. Hmm.)

Well, more grist for the mill, I suppose. Let's try this again!

Of Heath, my love for, I shall speak:
I'll pine for him throughout the week.
He's famed for his philosophy
Of demiphalliosity!
His manly chest, his manly arms,
And all his other manly charms...
My heart is his; I'll never wed
Unless he's in my marriage bed.

(So, fine, I'll grant, though this be trite,
I've never even seen his site.
My so-called burning love for Heath
In truth lies just a bit beneath
My love for pond scum, rotting trash,
And week-old plates of succotash.
My sole aim here, on which I'm banking,
Is moving Xeney up the rankings.)

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

So this time the line breaks worked, but the paragraph breaks (which I'd left out, 'cause those had worked just fine in the previous attempt) got lost. *sigh*

I think I'm gonna leave well enough alone and hope Beth can clean up the mess.

Oh, speaking of which, agreed on the Boinger lyrics.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

Thanks, Shmuel. I was about to go in and fix it for you, but now I won't bother.

That's MY favorite thing about Greenspun. No, really!

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

Y'know, it's a funny thing (going slightly off-topic here). That Heath Ledger, he's not bad looking or anything, but I can't muster much enthusiasm. And then I sat and thought about it for a few minutes -- not like I'm on deadline at work or anything -- and I cannot think of one single male actor who has stirred much, er, interest in me in the past few years. I can barely remember what half of 'em look like, it's as though we're going back to the Interchangable Male Lead thing from 1940s Hollywood films.

Is it film or is it me? I can remember when I wanted to see a movie just because Harrison Ford was in it, but he's all old now. Hell, I can remember when I wanted to see a movie just because Jeff Goldblum was in it, but then he started appearing in all those crappy summer explosion movies. John Cusack is turning into Dustin Hoffman. Hugh Grant looks like hell and Colin Firth didn't do it for me either. And even Bruce Campbell, he's starting to show some age, it's very sad.

I don't even get the hots for Lyle Lovett anymore. Maybe this isn't a Hollywood thing. Maybe I need medical help.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

The poem! Right, right, right. Forgot the poem. Maybe because it made me cringe and feel horrible for her and her not at all mad poetry skillz. It's still way more than ten things though, and ... and I'm going to forget it now.

Jette, I don't think it's you, unless it's both of us. I can admire an immensely attractive celebrity (like, say, Angelina "Bug-Fucked" Jolie) and think yum, but I don't have pitterpatter crushes on celebs any more. Maybe it's overexposure, maybe it's cynicism. Maybe it's the expanding, exploding nature of stardom, and all the yack-up absurdity that entails.

Maybe I'm kidding myself. But I can't honestly think of a celeb I'd want in my house, much less on my, uh. Yeah.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

Colby.

He was in my house just last night, in fact. Oh, yeah.

Colby.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

I don't have any celebrity hotties either. Oh, wait, they're all chicks. Kate Beckinsdale? YES. Natasha Hendrige (I'm sure I got her name right)? YES.

Heath was okay as a brunette, but as a blonde? eh.

I'll seek out things in which Lyle Lovett and Chris Cooper have appeared, but that's not a hottie factor. I don't know what it is, but it isn't their looks.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

Excuse me to interrupt, but are you ALL forgetting James _Spike_ Marsters?

Good. Fine. That means I can have him all, then, yeah?

woo-hoo!

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

You know, Heath is never going to love us best. He's always going to love the Heathledger.com girls more. You know why? Because they're committed. (Or, um, they ought to be.) They have dedication. They are loyal and true and probably well-prepared, too, just like Boy Scouts.

But look at us. We're all, ooh, Heath, you're hot! But mmm, Spike, darn you and your sinister attraction! And oh, Colby! Let me lick you! And yeah, Lyle Lovett ... well, actually I don't understand that one so I don't know what it is that you ladies want to do with him. But you get my point.

We're fickle. We wouldn't know loyalty if it sauntered up to us, wrapped its big strong arms around us, gazed down at us with its little melty brown eyes, and said, "Baby, I'm yours tonight."

We don't even deserve Heath.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

I really need to add, though, that I finally went through and read all the beautiful tributes to Heath we have going on here, and they just about made me cry. Especially Shmuel's, with his "demiphalliosity" and all.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

You're right. We're not so overcome with lust for the Heathster that our grammar, spelling, and normal constraint in applying exclamation points to the ends of sentences don't suffer at all. We're too sedate in our professions of love. He can't love someone best, who doesn't utterly disregard capitalization conventions in a fit of passionate exhalation.

But Heath! I beg of you! Understand that beneath these staid exteriors beat the hearts of creamy lustful heath-sex desirers! We are dedicated deep, where it matters, in the very cores of our beings. Embedded within our very souls is the name "Heath," pulsing with each heartbeat, with each breath! Embedded within our very hearts is the name "Ledger," throbbing with each exhalation, the way our bodies throb when we think of you, alone in our rooms at night!

What you might see as simple distraction and lack of fidelity is, in truth, quiet and utter adoration, Heath! Love us! LOVE US!

Think that'll sway him?

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

No way, Jen. Passion can only exist where there are multitudes of exclamation points all bunched together in a sweaty clump. Like this!!!!!!!

(I'm still not clear... who is this Heath guy? I assume this is not about the candy bar.)

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

Your RiTe!!!!! hEaTh u R sOOOOOO FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ooh. That hurt.

Heath is a young, tall, beady-eyed possibly australian actor with exactly 3 movies under his belt. Well, three fairly well-known movies. He may have lesser-regarded thespian feats in the vaults somewhere, but I am entirely unaware of them, and choose to remain so. Those three movies, of which I have seen exactly one, would be The Patriot, and 10 Things I Hate About You and also that new movie with the knights in it.

He is, apparently, a rising star that the young girls adore. Also, he is dreamy, dating Heather Graham, and my fUTUre HUzBaNDD!!!!!!!!

(Last bit bit of information gleaned from the Heath Ledger forum.)

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

Fametracker recently gave him a fame audit.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

p.s. I would like to log, for the record, the fact that I am horrified I know anything at all about Mr. Heath Ledger.

Who is my future husband.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

What's really sad is that I saw the first two movies you mentioned and I still don't know who the hell he is.

Hold on. I have a 15 year old in the house...lemme check if this is just me...

....

heh...ok, it's just me. I asked if she know who he was and god "Oh GOD, yea! He's a hottie!!!! He's AUSTRALIAN! ohbaby..."

so..Heath Ledger is apparently going to be my son in law...woo woo.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

As,a 17 year old girl,I became aware of Heath the same time the Heath Ledger.com girls did.I though he was slightly cute,but,I didn't really care much about him.My sister on the other hand,was madly in love with him.I did sme research on him{for her}and found out some things you might be interested in.

1:He was born in Perth,Australia. 2:He's 6'3.

Feel free to obsess.

P.S.I don't like any male celebrities anymore,either.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

If you have premium cable channels, it's a good month to feed your Heath obsession. HBO sems to be running The Partiot every day, and Encore is showing 10 Things every afternoon, it seems.

And if I was gonna do him, it would be with the blond hair, and he'd have to keep his eyes closed. They're too beady for me.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

I have, for the moment, abandoned my Heath-lovin' and desire nothing less than to marry our Commander in Chief, Josiah Bartlett.

"Have I displeased you, you feckless thug?"

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001

I may not love Heath Ledger more than ANY of you (well, with the possible exception of LyndaB). However, soon he will succumb to my charms and love me more than he loves all of you *and* the heathledger girls combined. Why? Well, it's fairly simple. I am happily and dotingly married, yet I have that roving eye (just eye! no touchies! not even for cute high-cheekboned boys with killer smiles! well, granted, some touchies, but not sex touchies! just buddy touchies! touchies that say "i like you, but don't get any funny ideas!") and propensity for making opposite-sex-just-friends more often associated with the more testosteronal part of the species. Thus, I am due to make fast friends with Mr. Ledger aaaaaaaany day now (probably within a few hours of first meeting him, which part I have not *quite* figured out yet, as I have no desire to kick my way through screaming girlies). After that, my obvious appreciation for his many assets, coupled with my affectionate roughhousing, brilliant wit, and big boobies, shall no doubt awaken his interest. My total lack of encouragement of this interest shall only serve to whet it further. In mere weeks from the time of our first encounter, he shall PINE for me. Actually, if we're all that close of friends, I probably WILL love him more than any of you shallow competitive lust-filled wenches. So there.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2001

Since I post to this forum only sporadically, I feel the need to point out that the phrase 'shallow competitive lust-filled wenches' was uttered in sympathy and affection. Back to your regularly scheduled Ledger lovin'.

Mwah!

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001

Actually, I think "shallow competitive lust-filled wenches" would be a great user level for the new board. Except it's too long.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001

Just thought I'd add some completely useless information. Heath comes from my home town (Perth, in Western Australia), and lived a few suburbs along from where I did. He went to school with a friend of mine. He was recently spotted at a local 24 deli there with his brother and Heather Graham (who got cpmpletely ignored by the locals in favour of him and his brother!) I think he could only have brought her back there for one reason - to meet the folks, hey, Perth is great but it aint exactly L.A,

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001

Heath is my future ex-husband. I'll be divorcing him to marry Spike. (See, there's logic at work: might as well take advantage of Heath while he's got his youthful good looks. Since Spike will never age, I can get around to him whenever I'm ready.....)

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001

Heath Ledger wants me
His beady eyes squint, "Yes!Lust!"
A Knight's Tale kicks ass

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001

He hates Greenspun, too.
Remember to break lines, y'all.
Sorry 'bout that, Beth.

Nah, you just keep on giving me a reason for living ...I live to insert line breaks!

-- B

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001

All right, I can't write Heath poetry, but I do have three and a half episodes of ROAR on videotape. That should count for something.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001

Just curious, what's his brother's name? Last I checked he only had 3 sisters.

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2001

Really? I heard he lived with his fourteen half-siblings and a monkey named Jed. Oh, and he only has half a penis. He's totally gone Hollywood.

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2001

OK, I'll pay gratuitous attention to the topic at hand, and say that I am a proud, 34-yr-old woman who in some southern states could be Heath's mother, but the (young) man has the sexiest voice I've ever heard on the big screen - see, that way I still allow Spike to hold the all-time "wanna hear him growling in my ear while my back is pushed up against a dirty brick wall with my leg wrapped around him" warm spot in my heart. Goodness, and my child is in the room - what is WRONG with me?!

But my real reason for posting was to suggest you ladies who haven't been able to find any lust-worth movie hotties lately haven't been looking hard enough: Just knowing that Hugh Jackman and David Duchvony co-exist in this world is happiness enough for me. And yes, I did sit through the trainwreck that is "Somelike Like You" (um, twice) just because Hugh is often shirtless for no good reason - and that's reason enough for me, baybe!!

Gosh, I've obviously not been spending enough time on the HJEB board lately, that's where I usually get all the nastiness out of my system before lunchtime. Although, you nice folks here on Beth's forums seem to be an awfully high-spirited bunch ... I may hang around more often, if allowed!

Marla

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001