My husband reported two nights running that Mike Mule tried to kill him. I scoffed. Last night Mike Mule tried to kill me. Ok, maybe he didn't know for sure that what he was doing was going to be lethal, but he sure as heck knew he was being a naughty boy. What difference does it make if the charge is murder or helenslaughter if moi is deceased by his efforts?

Maybe the non-stop fireworks are making him nervous. His very long ears may pick up more sound than my stubby round ones. We'll fool with him until about two weeks after the next holiday, and if he's still acting like a mean nutcase, we'll place an ad in the paper for a buyer.

"Wanted: a good home for a Mike Mule. He requires kissing, back rubbing, and treats on demand. He knows how to carry a rider, but the buyer must respect his wishes in case he chooses NOT to carry a rider. Mike Mule also needs a bedtime story read to him, and you have to turn the pages for him so he won't get a papercut on his lips. Do not read anything to Mike Mule that involves the theme of freedom, civil disobedience, or mule skinning. It makes him unhappy. He doesn't need ice in his drinking water in the summer, but he prefers that his winter tea be strong and hot. His blankie and favorite socks will be included with said Mike Mule. Serious inquiries only."

-- helen (this_a_real_address@yahoo.com), June 28, 2001

Answers

My theory is that since the garlic powder incident, Mike has the irrational fear that you intend to baste him in his own juices.

-- flora (***@__._), June 28, 2001.

Does the garlic powder have anything to do with the newly skinny mule?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), June 28, 2001.

What flora said. Then again, the non-stop fireworks make ME nervous and I have stubby round ears like you do.

(BTW, does "helenslaughter" carry a stiffer penalty than say, "hubbyslaughter"?)

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), June 29, 2001.

With that ad, you expect serious inquiries? ROTFL!!!

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), June 29, 2001.

how often does his blanky have to be washed?

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), June 29, 2001.

Oh no...it's not funny after all. His problem turned out to be an infection under his halter in his mane just behind the top of his head. No wonder the poor baby didn't want anyone handling his halter! We've got him stripped naked and sunning himself. We'll have to bribe him into letting us doctor him after the initial soreness has eased. The fireworks caused him to jerk his head, and if we happened to be holding his halter, the pain was what set him off. It looks like he may have started this infection from a tick bite. We may have to have a vet sedate him a little and clean the wound deeply.

-- helen (cancel@the.sale), June 30, 2001.

maybe better start giving him CS. I have heard that it will control Lyme's disease. Anecdotal data, of course.

Poor Mike. He is so misunderstood. I think you ought to let him stay up late and watch a video.

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), June 30, 2001.

Helen,

Long time lurker here. Love your stories about your various barnyard animals, 'specialy Mike.

-- SteveOH (sroors@aol.com), July 05, 2001.

Why, thank you SteveOH! The unfortunate thing is, they're all true.

Mike is feeling better. The other day we had a little lovey-dovey session. He laid his head on my shoulder with his lips pressed to mine while I rubbed his face all over. It was like being hugged by a funny-smelling mattress. Then he carefully tapped my foot three times, waited, then tapped my foot three times again. I'm pretty sure when he taps my feet that means he's saying "walk".

I started walking to the gate, and he came with me like he expected to leave with me. I said, no, poor mule, you can't go out.

I'm telling you, he understands plain English.

He had a screaming temper tantrum. He even threw himself on the ground and rolled around in the goat poop. I went outside the gate and locked it. He got up and rattled the latch a few times and then head-butted the gate.

Mike Mule is feeling well enough to renew the dialogue on freedom.

-- helen (am_I_my_mules@keeper.lord), July 06, 2001.

helen: Did you put Mike in time out for throwing a tantrum? Of course, rolling in goat poop may have been punishment enough in itself. (BTW, does your husband know that you've been kissing the mule smack dab on the lips? I don't think I'd let that bit of information get out all over the Internet...someone may think you're a loose woman.) Just a thought.

-- Linda Mc (jmcintyre1@mmcable.com), July 06, 2001.

Linda, my husband caught me kissing the mule one day. I made it up to him and have been discreet ever since. :)

-- helen (mule@lips.are.sweet), July 06, 2001.

Thanks for the update, Helen. Glad to hear he's up to his old tricks :-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), July 06, 2001.

Uh oh.... Helen is kissing a newly naked mule!!!!! For shame, for shame. (Does anybody else know?)

Boy, no wonder Mike wants to keep it discreet.

(I would too.....next thing you know, you might be kissing a naked husband and REALLY shock poor Mikey.)

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), July 09, 2001.

Robert!!! I'm so glad you're back!!! I need a foot rub...

-- mistress helen (lots@changed.while.you.were.gone), July 09, 2001.

Better watch it, Sir Cook; that foot rubbing idea could be an insidious fruitcake come-on. Now I would be the LAST person to spread rumors, but there has been some discussion lately down an LeDue's Bait 'N Gas, about the news flash that our own sweet farm gal is allegedly none other than the evil queen of all fruitcakedom.

Of course, I pesonally don't believe it, but it's just something to consider, you know. I mean, so she might have a few fruitcake skeletons in her closet, so she might wear pink ball gowns and a tiara to "garden" in, so she might live in a fancy penthouse - don't mean nothin' really.

Like I said, I CERTAINLY don't believe any of it. Never. No way.

Well, OK, maybe.

----------------------------------------------------------------

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), July 09, 2001.

Lon...summon your brother to the woodshed...and bring yourself too.

-- mistress helen (lon@bad.boy), July 09, 2001.

Footed rub coming up ....

One toosie.

Two toosie.

Three toosie.

Four toosie.

Which toosie?

Whose twosies?

Whatusi.

Which toosie?

Which toushy?

Whose toucheing which toosie?

Toucheing more toosies...

(Ooopsie ... back to toosies....)

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), July 09, 2001.

Robert, you're so good at that...I will allow you to massage the other foot now, please.

-- mistress helen (one@foot.away), July 10, 2001.

LOL, Helen!

-- Tricia the Cancuk (jayles@telusplanet.net), July 13, 2001.