What role does religion play for you in the dating process? Will you only get serious with people who share your religious beliefs, or is it not a big deal to you if marriage would require both a Christmas tree and a Hannukah menorah?

(Hey, what's a Popetainment category without a religion question?)

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

Answers

I'm a total slacker Jewess. I grew up in a fairly progressive-traditional household -- my folks keep kosher, sent us all to Hebrew school, we were all Bat Mitzvah-ed (what is the past tense of that, anyway?) in our fully egalitarian, all-Hebrew service holding congregation, and we had private tutors on Jewish life & history after we finished formal Hebrew school -- but I'm so lapsed it isn't even funny. I went to one of a triumvirate of Quaker colleges near Philly (not WG's, but the girliest one of the three), and that got me thinking that maybe some religion other than what I was born into is really the one for me.

Having a Jewish honey used to be an issue for me, but in practice, it's been a non-issue since I was about 18. I think that's partially because if you're Jewish, and female, your kids are going to be Jewish no matter who the Daddy is. My beloved is an atheist, and I think we're moving towards a model of "kids, you're blessed with two cultures: your Mum is Jewish and your Dad is English." And if we go to services of any kind it'll probably be either Quaker Meeting or a Unitarian Church. I think kids can handle these things (a melange of beliefs) better than most parents give them credit for.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

I'm a pretty-much-lapsed Catholic, and although I do still believe in God and I pray and I go to mass at Christmas and at Easter (out of genuine feeling rather than family pressure), religion doesn't play a big part in my life, not is it a big deal for my boyfriend or for most of my friends (and me being Irish, they're pretty much all lapsed Catholics or former-Catholics-now atheists). But I remember being surprised at how weird I felt when my ex-boyfriend and I were joking about what our potential kids might be like and in the course of the conversation he made it very clear that he wouldn't want them baptised. I was like 'oh...actually, I kind of would.' I'd never really thought about it until then. Still, it certainly wouldn't stop me getting involved with someone.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

Mother: Jewish. Father: Lutheran, although his family went through several denominations of Protestantism before settling on Lutheran. Former boyfriends: Jewish/atheist, Jewish/atheist, Catholic/atheist. Current boyfriend: pagan.

If that answers your question.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

I'm Catholic. I take issue with the church on several points, but I also go to mass (almost) every Sunday. I've dated Catholics and Protestants, but never anyone who was very findamental.

C was raised Catholic, which makes things easy. Like me, he only has one Catholic parent - my father is Baptist and his mother is unclassified Protestant. He's more or less agnostic, but with a Catholic bent, if that makes sense. (As I told my mother, he was a philosophy major, after all.)

For me (and I think Ex-WriterBoy had this same thing going on), being Catholic is a large part of my cultural identity. I can't imagine giving up my faith - it would be like cutting off my arm. We'll definitely raise our children in the church, and we'll probably send them to parochial school (if, of course, it's the best education for them).

Also (and this is a little OT, but this is Popetainment), I love the concept of saints. As my mother says, God is a very busy man, and if you can get in good with one of his friends, more power to you.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

I'm Catholic. I'm not a very good catholic, as I am currently living in sin with my fiance, hardly ever go to church, and I'm not getting married in the church. But, like others who are raised Catholic it is a big part of my identity. Most of the guys I've dated have been either Catholic or Episcipol.

I'm not sure if religon is really an issue with me in relationships, but I do think I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't believe in God at all.

My fiance is Catholic, both of my parents are Catholic, and went to Catholic schools growing up, his parents are the same way. I will admit though, it did catch me off guard the first time I walked into his mother's kitchen and there was a big picture of the pope hanging on the wall.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

See, we could devote an entire other thread to WriterGirl's Religion Issues.

I was raised nothing. And when I say "nothing," I mean it. On Sundays we went to the Church of the Living Room Couch and read the Book of Full-Color Comics. I call myself Jewish, because (a) my mother is Jewish, (b) I know slightly more about Judaism than I do about Christianity, and (c) I don't believe Jesus was the Son of God. Of course, I'm not all that convinced Moses came down from Mount Sinai with stone tablets either, so when I call myself "Jewish" it's with a slight touch of guilt. I've lived with practicing Jews. They made me look about as Jewish as Jerry Falwell.

So I couldn't really date anyone attached to a particular church and/or set of religious rituals, because that's not how I was raised and it would be very hard to make me comfortable. I'm just not down with the entire concept of church, for better or worse. T, you're pretty much right: while Ex-WB called himself an atheist, he grew up in the Church and went to a Jesuit high school. To him, "family" meant "Catholic." Which would have caused us some major problems down the road, because to me "family" means "Jewish, if only marginally so."

The Smoker -- well, "pagan" is a quick way of summing up his beliefs, which I'm not even sure I can properly explain. But he does believe in God, which is nice, and he actually knows more about the Talmud than I do, and he's not going to object when I have the kids light the candles for Hanukkah. If we have kids -- which is way, way down the line at this point.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

I think there is one religon that I could never date anyone who was a member of, it's the Jehovah's Wintnesses. This would cause some serious problems for me, no birthday presents, no Christmas, no nothing. Plus they think smoking is really bad, and they don't vote. I can't imagine marrying someone who didn't celebrate any holidays. I would be pissed off every single Valentine's Day for the rest of my life.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

For me personally, I am another "nothing", like WG. Our joke was that we went on Sunday mornings to St. Mattress. I hit a "Young Life" phase in junior high where I went to the Methodist church every Sunday and MYF every Wednesday, but as soon as I got to high school, that novelty wore off. My mother was Episcopalian, my father was Methodist, I spent 7 years in a Baptist private school, and my godparents are Crazy Catholics (as in, they only do Mass on C & E, but yet do all the trappings and crazy praying for me).

As far as someone I dated - the only thing I couldn't handle was if they were extreme or judgmental or belonged to a fundamentalist church. No Pentecosts for me, thanks! Nor Jehovah's Witnesses, or Church of Christ either ('cause if you think I'm getting married without any music at the ceremony you'd be R-O-N-G-wrong.). I'd convert to Judaism or another denomination if I needed to - assuming it was a big deal to his parents or something. If it were a big deal to him I'd probably hit the road - that probably signifies that he's too religious for me.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

I could never marry someone who didn't believe in God - more pointedly, believe in the God I believe in. I was raised Methodist, went through a long, and vibrant, Baptist stage (although the churches I attended through high school and college called themselves non-denominational, they're really Baptist, in the real definition of the word. "Baptist" is just sort of ugly word and raises eyebrows, so a lot of Baptist churches call themselves "bible churches" or interdenominational or some such). Aaaanyway, I'm pretty general Protestant at this point and hope to find a nice, conservative Methodist or Presbyterian church.

Sunday School and VBS were such an important part of my childhood, and I want that for my children. And, as I know what it's like to sit with only your mother in church, I know I don't want that. I don't want my kids to wonder why their daddy never picks them up after Sunday School.

Judaism and Christianity are so fundamentally opposite, I don't see how you can make them both "work." Unless it's strictly a cultural thing, not a religious one.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

See, I'm not even sure I could date an observant Jew. My mother -- who, God bless her, has been known to make huge breakfast meals prominently featuring bacon, and has grilled me ham and cheese sandwiches -- would be profoundly uncomfortable. One of her very good friends has moved from conservative to orthodox Judaism over the past two decades, and it's put a bit of a strain on their friendship.

And, for purely selfish reasons, if I had a son tomorrow (gasp!) I wouldn't circumcise him.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

Hannah, I agree that you can't make Judaism & Christianity work in a family if both partners are firm believers in their respective religions. It creates too much conflict. But I think that in an interfaith marriage, particularly if both partners are more secular & culturally identified with their religions than they are big-time believers & service-attenders, you can impress upon your kids the basic values that are important to you.

To me, being Jewish is about being committed to family, education, and social justice. Also, food. So as long as I'm transmitting those values to my future kids, I think we'll be ok. Of course, all of this is sure to change once I actually do have children and am faced with the awesome responsibility of shaping young lives. Right now, it's purely theoretical, because I fully expect my entire worldview to shift radically once I give birth.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

I couldn't marry a Jehovah's Witness because they are against organ donation. Actually, I couldn't marry anyone who was against organ donation.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

A Jehovah's Witness couldn't marry me, because I'd be too busy bugging them. "Why 44,000? How'd God come up with that number? Does He ever grant exemptions? Like, you're cool, I won't count you against the 44,000? And if you convert more people, doesn't that lessen your odds of being one of the 44,000?" And so on.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

Really. Because what is with that number? That's not even very many. The stadium at my alma mater holds more than that. Is some Jehova's Witness trying to say that all Alabama fans will not be admitted to Heaven should the rapture occur during Homecoming? I can't accept it.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

I thought it was 144,000. Which still, relatively, isn't that many.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

Hannah's right. Which means my potential Jehovah's Witness husband would say, "Not only are you obnoxious, you're WRONG!" and leave me.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

yall are cracking my shit up.
is it sacrilegious to say that in the Popetainment category?

Hee. I just typed "SCARILEGIOUS" twice.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

I'm a non-practicing pagan. There actually used to be things I did to practice my faith, but after deciding to live with a Catholic (the kind that likes some things the church says, and pretends he doesn't know about the others), I kind of got tired of trying to mesh our two faiths and just stopped thinking a lot about it.

Mass makes me laugh, because it's remarkably similar to the rituals I used to perform with my coven. It's beautiful, though, and I love the whole saints thing, too. I dig the hell out of Mary, and I think she's the key to our whole spiritual partnership. Mary is one face of the Goddess for me, and my Partner really relates to the Green Man. When we have kids...oy vey. Surely we'll think of something.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001