Sometimes I don't remember my dreams upon waking, but when I do, it makes me go around scratching my head all day.

Example: last night, I dreamt that a young & hot & pre-Scientology John Travolta and I were working at some swanky auction house, but that was really our cover for an online gambling ring. We were making money hand over fist and getting all flirty and high-fiving all over the place and it was great, and then we were fired. We thought maybe our boss found us out, but she just wanted us gone because we'd misplaced some auction item or other. We cleaned out our desks and macked like horny hedgehogs in the elevator, in the parking lot, and in the car before making it home. I woke up thinking maybe my subconscious is telling me a couple things:

1) I have a hidden gift for illegal computer-based money making schemes;

2) I want to have love in an elevator;

3) John Travolta?!

What are the crazy movies your subconscious produces for you while you sleep?

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

Answers

I often dream that I find out in some last minute way that I have to attend a formal affair, but I have like, ten minutes to find a dress and get ready. I always find a beautiful dress and am always relieved that it fits and I look great, but unfortunately, I never have the right shoes.

Last night, I dreamed this dream once again, and the shoes I had to wear were those horrible suede ankle boots from the eighties. They were purple.

What does this teach me? That I sometimes have my shit half together, but not all the way and everybody knows it?

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

I have sex dreams about Wesley Snipes about twice a year. It's been happening since seeing New Jack City my senior year in high school.

Now, there's not a thing wrong with Wesley. He's a good looking man, nice body, good voice, interesting roles, and if I were to meet him in real life I would surely put on the flirty voice and try to advertise some cleavage. But I don't sit around and have sex fantasies about him. Even after the dreams. My fantasies tend to run towards the Ryan Phillippe variety.

Evidently deep inside, I really want to attach myself to an abusive crack lord.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

My dreams are scary, as AB can tell you. Last night first I dreamed I was making out with my boss but felt really guilty about it, and then I dreamed I introduced Ex-WriterBoy to two of my coworkers.

I need coffee.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

Okay.

Last night I dreamt that I was flying my dad's plane (I've had this dream before) but this time I took off right behind a big jet and inside of ascending like you should for a single engine craft, I pulled way back to try to mimic the jet's climb. Well, that got me all discombobulated and the plane starting spinning and it was then that I realized - WAIT! I don't know how to fly!! Aaaand I realized that my dad had forgotten to show my how to work the radio. [Backstory: Every time I fly with my dad I ask him which channels are for emergencies etc. Because I'm a worry-wart like that]

So, the plane crashed into a field and I was with two other women who were my sisters. (I don't have sisters.) We were all okay but teh military was there to meet us and walk us back to base. A guy starts following us and he has the CBS eye on his t-shirt, so I know he's a reporter. He starts asking us questions about the crash and my one sister starts flirting with him and I tell her not to talk to him because he's a reporter. She asks how I knew that and I point to the eye. Then I tell her the eyeball is a machine gun.

Then I wake up.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

Clearly I'm still asleep as I can't type.

inside=instead. How did I mix that up?

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

for the past week i've been dreaming about hannah. not dreaming-dreaming of her, but she's always there. it's freakeh. the other night i dreamt that i told her i was going to sephora. she got this gleam in her eye and told me to buy one of every lip product in the store. i asked her if she could afford all that and she said not to worry about that.

cah-razeh.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

I had a dream the other night that I slipped drunken letters that were declarations of love under the doors of guys I had real peripheral friendships with, or made out with once five years ago, etc. And then was humiliated when I sobered up and spent the rest of the dream completely avoiding them.

I just now realized that didn't actually happen.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

The other night, I dreamt I was packing to move (I guess this was a pre-move dream that got rescheduled or by the Dream Network affiliate in my brain, since I was by this time already all moved into the new place) and was having a hard time fitting all my music paraphrenalia into my boxes. I'd gotten the CDs sorted, but not the tapes, and was regretting ever having been seduced by their cheapy price tags at the 2nd-hand music store down the road, when Usher walked in. He was so impressed that I had a copy of his new album, and was so pleased that I liked it that he didn't even kick up a fuss about my having bought it used & for $4.99. And then he saw that I had a copy of The Slim Shady LP on tape, too, and we started talking about it, when Eminem walked in.

Dream Eminem was really nice. He was so well-spoken, and had beautiful manners and hilarious, self-deprecating wit! We chatted for a while about censorship, and he managed not to use the word "faggot" at all during our conversation. And then he confided to me his darkest secret: he is the original lyricist & tunesmith for the theme song to Laverne & Shirley. I promised I'd never tell anyone, and he showed me a videotape with multiple, Busby Berkeley-style alternate takes of the credits. It was a nice bonding moment. Then he & Usher (who had no scandalous revelations to share, but who was damn fine & also extremely polite) went home.

Clearly, my subconscious is telling me that I have a future as the next Miss Manners-cum-Barbara Walters, getting superstars to divulge their darkest secrets while comporting themselves like gentlemen & -women. I think my subconscious is crazier than a schizophrenic cat.

-- Anonymous, August 10, 2001

I should have written this one down when I woke up. It had T and WG in it, and we were all in Atlanta, waiting for everyone to arrive. The rest of the Mathletes were coming, also a friend of mine from Austin and T's cousin, who were flying in together. And while we were all waiting, I kept talking to WG and thinking the whole time, "why won't she tell me her real name? I told her my real name. T told us her real name." And we all just kept calling her Writer Girl, like Writer was her first name.

And T and I were talking about clothes, and about Harold Powell's outlet and how she really wanted to wear something from Harold's outlet for her wedding, and I kept thinking, "T is in the Junior League, surely she knows that Harold Powell doesn't carry wedding dresses."

I'm sure this all stemmed from my frequent need to hit the MATH+1 forum 37 times a day, and also how I decided last night that we should pick a weekend and all come to Atlanta, and have a bridal shower for T, and also go play trivia (girls against boys). I have tons of peeps in Atlanta that I keep telling I'll come in for a visit. This would be much more fun as an incentive though.

-- Anonymous, August 13, 2001

PG, for what it's worth, I don't know your real name either.

Y'all, last night I dreamed The Smoker enlisted in the Army after fatally poisoning Beyonce Knowles with a red pill. I understand the whole Army thing, but poisoning Beyonce Knowles -- what. the. hell?

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

, and also go play trivia (girls against boys).

Wait a minute! Isn't that all y'all vs. me?

Ah, I don't care. Bring it.

WG, I'm sure anybody you'd date would never poison any member of Destiny's Child.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

Mike! Lest you forget the MOC!

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

Oh, yeah. And your C as well, right? We'd kick ass.

And about dreams ... I guess it's because I just got a 10-year reunion thing in the mail, but lately some random high-school people have been showing up there. It's always weird to wake up and think, "Wow. I haven't thought about those clowns since graduation."

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

The Smoker would play on the boys' team too. And let's not forget _rog and Fred.

I don't think he'd ever poison Beyonce, but what was that doing in my subconscious? And in the dream, I didn't say, "Oh, my God, you murderer!" More like, "Honey, why did you do that? I mean, I know you were irritated, but isn't that a bit of an overreaction?"

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

You know what's crazy? I have the same LOCATIONS in my dreams, even in DIFFERENT DREAMS.

For example, my "dreamland airport" is this huge space-agey bubble sort of thing, with a high, arcing car ramp to the entrance of it. Every time I have a dream that involves an airport, it's THIS airport.

I have a "dreamland hotel" and a "dreamland home", too. Weird. It's like a movie set, or something.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

I always have the same schools...they're always a skyscraper or warehouse (I have two different ones but one or the other appears EVERYTIME!! ..when it's the skyscraper with the glass windows, it's a better school dream though). my dream house is boring though. blech. it's like reality but sometimes the door is moved in my room or something. hah.

anyway, the only weird dream I had lately was that I was seeing the new John Cusack movie Serendipity. I recall it being good (um? haha). I was sitting outside the theatre doorway crouched in a corner afterwards waiting for someone to come and get me. all of the sudden I appear at this mansion where this guy is only halfway dressed. he propositions me and I think 'hmm this is a niiice place. maybe?' ..hah. it was weird.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

From the Department of Mild Spookiness: this morning I was looking through my dream journal, and found an entry for a dream in which I was in a dance hall in Jerusalem that got bombed, with glass flying everywhere, and I had to evacuate my friends.

The date? September 8.

-- Anonymous, September 26, 2001

So last night I was in a play with Luka from ER and he was all surly and broody but I was SO in crush with him. And he was digging me too but going on about how I was engaged so it wasn't fair for me to be flirting with him.

So I went home to break up with my fiance because, people, it's Luka. He's hot. And the fiance was rog (who, you know, I'm all married to and shit in real life) and he was mad at me for kissing Luka in the play but he loved me and I remembered how cool and funny he was and how much I loved him and I just couldn't break it off.

But I still wanted to have sex with Luka. So I went back to the play and just told him I broke it off. But then while we were discussing the play and our motivation rog showed up and the jig, she was up. And they got in a fight! A fistfight, over me!

rog and Luka fought over me. It was the best dream EVER.

-- Anonymous, October 10, 2001

Yet another flying dream, but this one was also good as we landed safely.

I was on a commerical flight, but it was a special flight because Al Gore was on it. We were going from NYC to L.A., and the plane was pretty empty, because of Al Gore and all. I ran into this guy who I used to work with at the State and he was flying to CA becuase now he worked for Gov. Davis. I kept yelling "But you're a Republican!!!" (And as it turned out he was a mole. That cracks me up. This has nothing to do with the flying part. Just interesting.)

So, we're almost there, and this whole time the plane's been on autopilot and the Captain has just been hanging with us and stuff when we start banking to the left really sharply. The pilot runs up to the cockpit and then for some reason, I'm in this weird part of the plane with him watching some guy try and fix the tail. (Flight 587, much?) The captain and I run down to the cockpit and he gets on the speaker and tells us that instead of fixing the tail while we were on the ground, the airline thought it would be faster if some guy fixed it while we were traveling. The pilot says we have to make an emergency landing. So I sit back down, and I'm sitting behind my mother. I put my hands around the chair and rest them on her shoulders, trying to calm her down. The best part is, I'm totally calm. Peaceful even. I know we're going to crash and I'm okay with it.

Suddenly we fly into this huge tunnel (like a traffic tunnel) and it goes completely black. But we land, getting sideswiped by a Grayhound bus. We taxi the rest of the way to the airport, in Sacramento.

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001