So, say you want to talk about how your boyfriend likes to suck your toes, or how when you get really drunk you'll even drink Lone Star out of a can. And even though we're not Judgey Judgerton, you still don't want to out yourself as a Toe Slut (TM Six Feet Under,).

Lucky for you, MATH +1 has got your back.

So get in the closet, and share your darkest secrets or most embarassing questions here.

You can use this address: anon@hannahbeth.com (idea totally stolen from Xeney).

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

Answers

Girls: Vibrators. Do you use them? What's your favorite type?

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

Wellll.... I'm not a vibrator girl myself, so I can't contribute.

But, I will go on record as saying that the Wintergreen Altoids rumor? Well, it's not.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

As a vibrator girl, I will say: The ones that look like animals? With the tongues? I now know what Charlotte's Rabbit addiction was all about.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

woo hoo! I've seen those; they look very entertaining. Especially the rabbit one and the one called Busy Beaver.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

I had one two pronged - long, regular shafty part and a shorter part. Long part vibrated, shorter part vibrated and moved up and down.

Looked like a great combination, but the vibrations weren't really great and the little shaft ended up being about useless. Maybe there are some better versions out there.

So who has tried the amazing tongue thing advertised in the back of Cosmo?

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

so, to the vibrator girl who is fond of the rabbit vibrator, would you recommend that one as a first purchase? I want to have more variety in my orgasm life, but I don't want to get so addicted that I never leave the house, you know?

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2001

The Rabbit is kind of pricey. I recommend getting one of the small ones that have just the rabbit part of the rabbit, minus the shaft.

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2001

There's an article in the new Marie Claire by a woman who tests sex toys for a living as a consultant for spankie.com. She agrees that the rabbit is overpriced. She suggests a basic $15 plastic vibrator, especially for woman who get off clitorially.

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2001

$15 works for me. Saving money is a whole other kind of pleasure.

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2001

Ummm, how do you get the job being the woman who gets paid to test sex toys?

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2001

I don't have to get paid, just don't make me pay for it. Of course, I would do it all in the name of market research.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

Ummm, how do you get the job being the woman who gets paid to test sex toys?

I know! And she gets to keep everything she tries out. (I guess it woudl be pretty gross if she sent the stuff back, but still!)

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

I absolutely worship women's bare feet. I've always dreamt of sucking a woman's toes and licking her feet. *Cringe*

-- Anonymous, August 10, 2001

so I just found out this morning that my ex-boyfriend that I always secretly thought I might marry one day is engaged. We were always of the "well, if by 30 we both aren't married..." set. I loved him desperately once, and contentedly later.

And I'm sad. Happy for them, but sad. And wanted to anonymously lament. That's all.

-- Anonymous, August 15, 2001

You know what I love? Getting the back of my knees licked. I know, I know, the whole knee pit thing from Ally, but I SWEAR it is the most amazing thing. No one had ever done it until my current boyfriend and the first time he did it, I thought I'd die right then and there.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

um. I came around post-Pamie (well, pretty close to the end), and though I agree she is hilariously funny and a great writer, still please don't be offended by this but:

I think this "Squishy Will Never Die" mindset seems a bit creepy. If someone can explain, that would be awesome... but I just feel like if Pam had wanted the forums to continue, wouldn't she have kept them going? I understand that a community was formed, and I am certainly not knocking that...

If anyone can enlighten a non-Squishite, or whatever that makes me, please please help.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

You shut up! Pamie is GOD! How dare you?!?!

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Did someone defame "Squishy"? Heavens to Betsy!!

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Well, I can't say I don't miss it -- I was there an awful lot and met some cool people. It was a fun place to be.

I do think that squishy brought together various groups who would not ordinarily have hung out in the same place, which is a big credit to Pamie. But in her absence, everyone may be seeing that they don't have much in common with some of the other people who posted there, so I'm guessing everything will splinter off into smaller subgroups. Like, say, this one.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Please allow us to elaborate: Sir Ratsy is shocked and appalled that anyone would defame Pamie's loyal readers. For Sir Ratsy's royal sake, how can anyone question the timeless importance of such threads as, "Maxi PADding!" or "Word Association Part MCXMMVC: Pigs in a Blanket at the FUNNY FARM!!!!!"

Again, we have only one thing to say: merciful heavens.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

How sad is it that people are terrified to say anything that might be construed as bad? Heil Pamie.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Isn't it just possible that no one says anything bad because there's nothing bad to say? She a nice person. She treats people decently. It's not some big conspiracy.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

That's a good point, Sara.

I think the main issue isn't Pamie herself, but the way the forums took on a life of their own, so far removed from the actual Pamie that many of the posters didn't even know that an online journal was the main part of the site.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

How sad is it that people are terrified to say anything that might be construed as bad? Heil Pamie.

Nobody's terrified of anything--it's true, pamie is nice, and sweet, and I can't think of anything bad to say about her, except maybe that she's funnier than me, and that it makes me cry.

Now, the crazy million-times-a-day-posters and padders, on the other hand, got on my last nerve. I was almost glad when the forum closed because of it. But! MATH would not exist if not for pamie, nor would my journal. So there.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

No one has said anything bad about her still. The post that started this topic was posted anonymously and seemed very fearful to even ask a question about the whole phenomena.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Hey! You people get back in the closet this instant!

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Why do you want someone to say something bad about her, Robyn? The original post asked about the so-called Cult of Pamie, not Pamie herself.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

well, I thought of the forum and Pamie's site a part of my daily activities. of course, I was very, very saaad when it ended. I was happy that part of the daily group which I spoke to on occasion in chats had kept in contact. I dunno, it was just the best community I had been a part of before.

and yes, indeed, I miss the funniness of Pamie's journal..I had kept up with it for a year. sometimes I still go and check her site though I know the journal isn't going to return.

and heh heh. okay things'll go back in the closet after I'm done, I guess. I don't feel the need to be anonymous.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Why do you want someone to say something bad about her, Robyn?

Um, what? She doesn't. Don't be instigating.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Because that's what I said. Give me a break.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. I don't want it even implied here that we're talking about Pam or Squishy or anything associated with her, personally or otherwise. Now, I know no one has said anything negative about her, but can we just just drop it?

(OK, I edited to sound less like a strident cultist.) Now, as I can only assume this anon thread was started to reveal your innermost sexual deviancies, I suggest we get back to it.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

I killed the thread, didn't I?

Well... I can't start it back up with deviancies of my own! You'd all know it was me!

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Oh, like you'd have to list your deviancies.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

As if I would have enough room.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Allison's a slut. It's true. I read it on the internet.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Dude, you're stealing my "I read it on the Internet" gig.

But yeah, that Al's a wildcat in the sack. I had no idea you could do that with a soup can and a tube sock.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

Dude, you're stealing my "I read it on the Internet" gig.

Hitler.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

hah. I think sex in a phonebooth would be fun. sexy = phonebooth while raining.

*ahem* devious enough for this thread?

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Okay can I use this forum to discuss the sexual deviences, or posing thereof, of someone else?

Because I'm on this email list that is really just a bunch of Pollyana Little House snots who like to fancy themselves to be wild and crazy because they put on boas and listen to N*Sync at 31. Like every 31 year old doesn't do that occasionally.

So on this list is this girl, I'll call her Lea. Lea just posts and posts and posts about how she is a bisexual and crazy and on and fucking on. You know, we get it, you are crazy and will sleep with anyone. Shut up about it because it's all posing anyway since the few people who tried to take you up on it got shut down so fast they got the bends.

And yesterday she does this post about her how vibrator broke and so at lunch she went to buy another. And afterwards she got in a really long line at the bank drive-through teller and christianed her new vibrator while waiting.

First, bullshit. BULLshit. Who goes to drive-through tellers anymore? No one, around here most banks don't even have them anymore. Second, since when do banks have long lines on Wednesday the 3rd? Never. On the 1st or the 15th or the 30th or a Monday or a Friday yes, but a Wednesday the 3rd? Nuh uh.

Second, let's say by some outside chance she really did this and isn't just LYING like she does about everything. Do you really need to post it to the mailing list? I'm all for sex and vibrators and having deviant fun. I have some deviant fun myself. But do I announce it to the world? No, Angelea Jolie, I do not. And if you were really doing it you wouldn't either.

GOD I hate this girl. K, your opinion? Am I right about this or way off?

Um, so, sorry, I kind of stole the thread for my personal issues.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Um, you have two "seconds". But I think it just adds to your charm.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Whether she is making it up or not, why are you so upset about it?

If she's lying, why begrudge the girl a little Penthouse Forum fun?

If it's true...well, so what?

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Slickery, was this girl's confession sort of the straw that broke the camel's back for you, in terms if this girl? Does she annoy you in general?

Really, I take everything I read on internet forums with a big, whopping grain of salt. Unless I know the poster personally, I have no reason to believe that they're telling the truth when they say that they're a vibrator-straddling sex kitten - for all I know, it could be a male version of Gilbert Grape's mama posting that stuff.

So I guess my point is, it's an internet forum. There's no reason to take it too seriously.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Along the same lines, I get SO irritated when I'm looking through a forum thread (not this forum, but others - you can probably guess which ones), and someone will have a random question like "what's something exciting I can do with my boyfriend?", and all the people like this Lea chick mentioned earlier will piledrive the poor person with something along the lines of "Well, I'm POLY!! And you could do this with you GIRLFRIEND, TOO!! No need for it to necessarily be the OPPOSITE sex! You should make sure you include EVERYONE in your questions! And did I mention, I'm POLY?! And that if you think that's weird or disagree or anything with the whole POLY LIFESTYLE, well then you're obviously one of those Plain Vanilla People who Just Doesn't Understand how fulfilling the POLY lifestyle can be! Just ask my two girlfriends, my husband, and my bi boyfriend! We're ALL poly! So maybe you and your boyfriend should include a third or fourth person in your private lives, THAT'D be something you could do! Maybe some chains! And lots of lube! And here's where to GET the aforementioned chains and lube, because I know all the places like that, because, in case you missed it before, I'm POLY!"

Now, I personally don't give a rat's ass what your personal lifestyle preference is. I'm in the "to each his own" category on that. But whatever it is, I DON'T want or need it thrown in my face every time I go online. Hell, I don't even want to hear about one of my coworker's escapades with her boyfriend, which she's all too eager to share.

Except, of course, in this anonymous thread, here. In HERE, feel free to regale us with all your tawdry stories. In fact, the tawdrier the better, since I'm not motivated to do much work today. As usual.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

I call bullshit on it as well, just because the logisitcs of the scenario don't pan out. But I feel very sorry for her. She's starved for male attention, desperate beyond belief. I'm guessing that she posted that to intrigue the few sex-starved guys on the list, and I'm guessing that none of them really took the bait.

Why do we even stay on that list?

Oh, um... that latex stuff in the jar is really stinky, and you should put a plastic sheet on the bed before using it. And trim, ladies.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Chris, it bothers me because of what the anon poster below you said. It's a last straw thing. (Plus what the other poster said about the "I'm POLY" thing. We GET it. Your sexual orientation is not you, it's a facet of you, and if that's all you put out there it gets old after a while.)

It's a weird situation because it's not just some internet forum I stumbled on where people are just posting and it's all internet, barely know them friendships.

This email list (you know it's old school when it's listserv) is the second incarnation of the original list where rog (my husband) and I met. 7 years ago. I have met these people many, many times, I've partied with them, I've dated half of them, some of them were at my wedding. These are people that 7 years ago I was very close with, had a lot in common with, and just loved them like you love friends.

Now though. . . most of my close friends have already left the list. I'm one of only 3 from my group that is still hanging in there hoping it will stop being crap. And this girl and her annoyances have just taken over. Every third email is from her.

I think the part that bugs me the most isn't what she does or doesn't do or what she lies about. It's the fact that all these people just believe every word out of her mouth and worship and adore her and act like she's just the single most interesting person in the whole world. I don't go into our chat room anymore because she's just talking the whole time and they all lap it up like puppies.

Whereas I think she's the single most fake, insincere, poser I've ever had the displeasure to know. I don't understand how they can believe or even tolerate all this crap and it saddens and angers me that people I used to be close to, have things in common with and respect have become people I regard with incredulity and, to be honest, a bit of contempt. I'm sad that it feels like most of us have grown and changed and matured and that inevitably meaens you lose some of those people as friends.

Now that I think about to try to explain it I've realized that this girl has just become the focus of my irritation with the list and the people in general. It's less about what an idiot she is than how accepting and encouraging of this idiocy they are.

So, now that I've used this forum for some self-enlightenment, I'll stop with this now and try to come up with something to get in the closet about and post anonymously.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

So you are upset that something that was once incredibly important to you and to which you had a close connection has become something you now mostly despise?

That makes sense. Loss of something you love when you had nothing to do with the loss is definitely more upsetting that someone masturbating at the local Bank of America.

I felt the same way when REM went Top 40.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

I find Bank of America very much a turn-off, for what it's worth.

Société Géneral, however . . . the red and the black, y'know.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Slickery you just described exactly why I left diary-l, less the mucho-sex part, and more the stupid lying.

How does anyone ever know who to trust is telling the truth and who is lying online? And why are so many people compelled to talk about their sex lives in stunning pink detail, complete with warnings about wearing rings during fisting and rinsing one's mouth completely after watersports?

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Hey, my cousin Anon posted! Hi Anon!

It helps with the Internet to hone your god-given Bullshit Detector skills. Usually it's pretty easy to tell if someone is making things up -- like if they're supposedly studying for a phd but haven't actually completed their two-year associate's degree at a local community college, that's a pretty good sign they might be making some things up.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Exactly. Like when someone says, for example, that they're business associates with the mayor and make 95K a year and you remember reading the week before how they're 17 and home-schooled.

It is just irritating when you submit to the bare minimum of believing someone and it becomes so very clear that they're lying about something.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

Sir Phoenix resents that statement.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

It's like this:

Internet forums are like bars. I'm saying to treat everything you read on any forum with the same skepticism you have for some line you hear at Houlihans.

Or, um, wherever.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

You should be anonymous if you're admitting to frequenting Houlihan's, girl.

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2001

As the original poster of the "help me understand the Squishites", I would like to apologize for any misunderstanding about my intention. I never meant anything negative about the community or about Pamie. And I won't be revisiting the topic ever again.

Moving on...I think I know which board was meant in the "I'M POLY!" post, and yes it gets on one's last nerve. So, word on that.

And on deviancies... Call me a deviant, but I don't really think vibrators are that outre.

-- Anonymous, October 05, 2001

*Amen* on those people using their sexuality to prove how cool and hip they are. It's an easy thing to use because 1) whatever they (say they) do goes down in private 2) there's so much information on the subject readily available on the net and 3) it sure does grab people's attention. It is annoying. Obvously Shae's perpetrator needs an audience and she's found one. Which sucks, because the place used to be so cool.

These things happen, though. I have been on a private forum with about 13 close friends for over two years, and we are experiencing a downturn in interest. One main reason is that I found out one of our friends was a complete internet fraud. We met this person through the forum and we knew her (and liked her) for well over a year before she began letting us in on details of her life. This person is so intelligent, and so crazy, the way she did it had us totally believing every word she said. These lies included: her boyfriend (later husband) was a professional athlete; she was a professional photographer who travelled the world extensively; she had an unplanned pregnancy, debated about aborting, decided to keep it under intense pressure from her boyfriend, then was terribly ill and had to be on bedrest for the majority of her pregnancy; got married to boyfriend in Vegas; had a brother dying of leukemia (her father had died of the same cancer and her mother was such a beast she refused to donate bone marrow to said dying brother). On and on, your typical melodramatic horseshit that your average 13 year old would create. And this makes us sound like complete idiots, but we believed every last stinking word of it. Her story was amazingly consistent. She obviously followed the movements of the athlete because she wove his stuff into her story seamlessly. And we are a very tight-knit group -- several of us have met in person and we've shared pictures, stories, talked on the phone, exchanged gifts, everything. To have one of us be an imposter was unthinkable.

I realized she was a fake when I saw she had ganked pictures of her "baby" from an online journal I stumbled across. I researched it and found that the baby was never born and the athlete was not even married. I shared this with my friend who had been very close to the imposter, and she was devastated. We confronted the imposter and she threw another fistful of lies at us (the athlete beats her mercilessly and she's pregnant again) and closed down the only email address we knew to reach her. She totally knew she was busted and I suspect we'll never hear from her again. My friend has noticeably withdrawn from the group and even from me, really any interaction with people on the net at all. I can't blame her, but it makes me sad that one crazy person has made me *and* her doubt that we can make good and true friends on the net.

This is totally personal catharsis stuff. I know some of us have been affected by fake journalers, but this is different. I'm anon because it's embarrassing but you wouldn't believe how very, very easy it is to be victimized by someone smart enough and crazy enough. And you think they are just your net friends and you have your real life to rely on if they disappoint you, but it rocks your world just the same.

-- Anonymous, October 08, 2001

I know some of us have been affected by fake journalers

I was devastated when I found out that Brad F'ing Pitt's diary was fake. I cried for days.

-- Anonymous, October 09, 2001

My only secret is my panty fetish. Ladies, if we're getting intimate and the clothes are being shed, leave 'em on for a bit. They're sexy.

Sometimes, a little something is better than nothing at all.

Oh, and no thongs (at least, not to impress). It's all about the framing.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

[i]Oh, and no thongs (at least, not to impress). It's all about the framing.[/i]

So floppy footwear in the bedroom is right out?

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

So floppy footwear in the bedroom is right out?

Exactly. And Berkenstocks? Talk about a turn-off.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

Exactly. And Berkenstocks? Talk about a turn-off.

How about footy boots?

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

I don't get the "framing." What does that mean?

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

Men: if you want a blowjob, please don't powder your balls just before asking.

Women: if you need your carpet munched, and want it done for a long time, make sure to hide a treat inside your hoo-ha. After two hours of licking, your partner will appreciate finding a popsicle or cigarette or handheld videogame amongst the stray pubes that were somehow missed during your shaving preparation.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

I don't get the "framing" thing either. In fact, I've been told quite the opposite about thongs.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001

I had the urge to kiss my friend last night and he's not my boyfriend.

oh yeah, and oral sex? ick. I wouldn't do it period.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 2001

damn. glad I'm not dating you, anon.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2001

Damn. I think i DID date anon in college. For two and a half miserable, no-oral-sex-havin' years. Wasted youth.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2001

I think I dated anon too. Only for thirteen months at a distance though.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2001

I was reaping the benefits. Because of attitudes like that, I was highly appreciated.

Oral sex is the bizomb.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2001

I might like it done to me. just not doing it to someone else. ick.

and yes, I'm mostly despised in the dating realm. at least I'm still in a relationship.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2001

I might like it done to me. just not doing it to someone else. ick.

No, no, anon. Really. Doing it to someone else is the best there is.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 2001

So for those of us who do perform oral sex, just not very well . . .

How do you keep your jaw from getting tired after the first 30 seconds?

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

they're called hands - use them.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Wait - are you doing it to a girl, or a guy, because that changes the whole hands thing.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

A guy. A large one, if you get my drift. Who regularly needs more than half an hour to achieve fulfillment, if you further get my drift.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Well, it shouldn't take that long. For one thing, do you act like you're into what you're doing? Because that's half of his enjoyment. He can't enjoy himself if he's worried abotu your enjoyment (I would hope).

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Well, it shouldn't take that long.

Well, it does, or rather, he does, and having dated some quicker picker-uppers in the past, I rather like it -- except when I'm going down on him. 'Cause frankly, between the sore jaw and the bending over thing, I get real tired of it real fast, and he notices, which slows him down, and so on. Hence my original question.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Oh, no bending over. Kneeling works best. No crick in the neck.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Ah, the vicious cycle that fellation can often be.

Still, do you like going down on him? Do you play with him and do you use your hands to stimulate the insides of his thighs, etc? That definitely helps. And you can suck, but as you suck, use your hand on his actual penis.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

The other thing is, I gag really easily.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Oh! That's easy to fix - you need to practice supressing the gag reflex. This might sound odd, but in the mornings, practice with your toothbrush. No, don't give your toothbrush fellatio, but you know how sometimes when you're brushing your teeth, you gag? Practice not gagging. It's possible, I swear.

Now, when you gag with your man in your mouth, don't freak out. Pause to collect yourself, swallow hard a few times, and while you're doing that, don't raise your head or anything, and keep playing with him with your hands. He'll never know you gagged.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Saliva is the key. You cannot produce too much spit down there. Between a ton of slobber and a firm grip with your hand, your actual mouth has very little work to do.

At that point, few men can tell the difference between a mouth and a hand, so long as you've provided enough lubrication and consistent motion.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Yes, Anon. I mean the Anon who said slobber is the key. The more you make, the more they like it, the easier and quicker it is.

But I feel Mouthy on the jaw pain issue. I have TMJ and an average sized partner and sometimes I think I'm gonna die before it's over. I never let on though because that's not sexy.

Y'all what about G spots? Do you believe they exist? Do you and your partner use yours?

-- Anonymous, October 22, 2001

Oh yes, the G spot exists but I rarely make the pilgrimage there as it's only accessble there via certain angles/positions.

-- Anonymous, October 22, 2001

Thanks for the advice. I'll try with the toothbrush next time I'm brushing my teeth. Also see if he's got pointers.

-- Anonymous, October 22, 2001

My fetish is actually dirt. I don't know how common this is, but when dirt is under my fingernails it drives me wild. I like digging holes and having sex in dirt especially. How many other people are into this?

-- Anonymous, February 11, 2002

I'm actually not into dirt, sorry to say, but I'd just like to share that I adore my vibrator.

Can I marry it, please?

-- Anonymous, February 11, 2002