Inspired by a similar thread on the Straight Dope forum. Name the songs that make you grit your teeth and understand why, when Westley in The Princess Bride, said "To the pain," he planned to leave his opponent's ears intact.

There was one song I remember from the oldies station that starts "Black is bla-ACK, I want my baby back . . . " with the singer's voice, none too tuneful to begin with, jumps an approximation of an octave on the third word. It's horrible.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2001

Answers

Copa Cabana. Worst song ever. And sung by Barry Manilow? Oh, god in heaven. Also, any song by Neil Diamond. I heard on the radio the other day that the Neil Diamond show SOLD OUT in Dallas. Who ARE these people? And may they never live next door to me.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 2001

I've got to give it to the Eve/Gwen Stefani song (the name escapes me at the moment) that the radio stations here play every 10 minutes. It makes my skin crawl.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 2001

Smooth by Santana. May my peeps in SA forgive me, but it is just horrible. Rob Thomas should be taken out back and shot. I've come close to getting in several accidents when that came on the car stereo as I focused all my attention on getting another station tuned in as quickly as possible.

As far as I'm concerned, it is definitely NOT a "hot one".

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

"She Drives Me Crazy" by the Fine Young Cannibals.

At one point this was playing on every radio station in America approximately, coming on at every 2.4 minutes. I almost ripped my ears off. I'm still considering suing.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

No question - Jethro Tull, "Blacklung"

Wherever I am, whatever I am doing... all time stops until that song is no longer reaching my ears, at any cost. People might have to be injured, and that's okay.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

uh, DUH. I meant "Aqualung."

Dear Magic 8 Ball - is it possible that I am projecting my memory of smoking 137 cigarettes on Saturday night to my answers on the MATH+1 Forum?

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

I second the vote for "Smooth." I do not like Rob Thomas, is the thing. He makes sounds that are unnatural.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

See, my vote for Worst Santana Song would be "Maria Maria."

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Indeed, WG. Partially because the song references Santana himself, something which I find to be both ridiculous and abhorrant.

I was talking to Chris about this recently. I loathe all songs that date themselves by mentioning current movies, events, technology, whatever.

Like, I am against all songs that use "cell phone" in the lyrics (excepting, of course, any song by Destiny's Child). Or "apartment." Or "caller ID." I just HATE (by which I sometimes mean "secretly love") free-style R&B where anything is OK to say, whether it fits the rhythm or stanza at all. R. Kelly, I am looking in your direction.

Rhymes have reason, if you ask me, and I think one should bust them at every opportunity.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Al, does that mean you hate "The Old Apartment"? I'll admit that post-Born on a Pirate Ship Barenaked Ladies is a little too self-referential (especially "One Week") but "The Old Apartment" is a great quasi-spooky song in the tradition of "Every Breath You Take." Thanks to it I now know what the Danforth is. Or where the Danforth is, at any rate.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

See, as a history guy I don't mind if songs put in pop culture references, because it dates them. I think it can be cool ... if it's done right. That's why I'm a Barenaked Ladies fan.

As for worst songs ever ... I know people here will disagree with me, but after "With Arms Wide Open," Creed should have to justify its existance personally to everyone who owns a radio. Anywhere. Even in Madagascar.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Also, I wrote my response before WriterGirl's was posted, so we apparently share the same brain as far as BNL is concerned.

WG, I was thinking of "Grade 9" as a song where they pull it off.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Mike, I'm fond of "Same Thing." In walks the Fantastic Four . . .

See, all my Canadian knowledge I picked up from BNL and the Kids in the Hall. And For Better and for Worse.

I gave my copy of Born on a Pirate Ship to Ex-WriterBoy. Never again will I make that mistake.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Some songs that date themselves are OK. Say, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" Any good story song can have dated references and be OK.

Creed is musical death. So is Train.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Here goes: What's a "danforth"?

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

The lyric in question is, We bought an old house on the Danforth. So I'm fairly sure it's a river, street, or some other kind of geographic feature in Toronto. More information here.

(Interestingly enough, just searching for "danforth" on Google brings up a guy who graduated Swat just before I entered. He was legendary.)

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

No, no. I love the BNL. What I'm saying mostly relates to the sad state of R&B. Like, any song that uses a line like "I was sexin' in my apaaaaartment, and you paged me and I called you on my cell phone and you knew it was me because you have caller ID."

Y'all know what I mean.

The cultural and historical references, I don't mind. It's just bad writing that bothers me, is all.

Yeah, Mike, I don't think anyone here is going to disagree that Creed will make you cry and reach for your "cell phone to check your voice maaaaaaiiilll becaue your boo done called you about the Benz she done saw parked at your apartmeeeeeeeent!"

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Allison, I'm so relieved.

While we're on the Canadian kick, The Tragically Hip is also pretty good at that sort of thing, although it's more dated stuff.

I'd also nominated "Sugar Sugar" by the Archies for Worst Song Ever, mainly because when I worked at Radio Shack, way back in the day, we played that CD 10 times a day, every day. Ick.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Without a doubt, Bungle in the Jungle. The title alone, oh, oh, like nails on a chalkboard. But Barry Manilow...I love me some Barry. Oh those big sleeves he wore when he sang Copa- Sexy Boy - and Mandy - the lyrics - "You came and you gave without taking"...pure poetry. Neil Diamond is a whole other story...who writes a song called "Cracklin Rosie"? Only a genius I tell you.

-Barb

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Barb - thank you. Thank you for letting me be okay with my love for Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Can I elaborate on Al's response -- any song that refers to a Mercedes as a "Benz"? I can't say "any song that refers to a Mercedes in the lyrics," because -- get ready to cringe -- I still have a soft spot in my heart for Pebbles and her "Mercedes Boy." It was the ultimate '80s song. But "Benz" is just not classy.

So speaketh a Volvo driver.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

I know Janis in'int getting a dis. I know she in'int. Because when she cries for a Benz, I know she understands the real me.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

No, because she says Mercedes-Benz. I would never dis Janis. I was thinking more along the lines of Mya and J.Lo (not JoLo).

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Because we all know that JoLo would never say Benz.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Exactly.

Another Worst. Song. Ever.: All Saints' "Never Ever." It was all the rage when I was in Grenoble, which I have yet to forgive the gods of music for.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

I'm aghast at the Neil Diamond hatin', y'all.

Have you forgotten "Sweet Caroline"? Complete with the requisite "Bahm, bahm, BAHM"? While drinking copious amounts of alcohol?

Or uh, is that perhaps just me?

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Yeah! What Dawn said!

and, and... what about "Solitary Man" and "Shiloh?" and what about "Song Sung Blue", which I thought when I was a kid was a song about the dandruff shampoo Selsun Blue? and "Kentucky Woman" and "Cracklin' Rosie" (oh, whoops, didn't somebody mention hating that?)...

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

And nobody's mentioning "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show"? It and "Solitary Man" are my two favorite Neil Diamond songs.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

And, of course, WHEN are we coming to America?

Why, that'd be.... TODAY!!!, of course.

Heh. I'll stop now.

On topic: I am sick, sick, sick to death of everything Beatles, Eagles, and U2 related. All of that stuff has just been too overplayed in my lifetime. And don't get me started on the B-52's. Feh.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Oh, Dawn. You know I love your journal, but you killed me with the U2 smack. Don't penalize all their stuff just because some of their recent albums haven't been as good as their early material.

U2, Springsteen and REM could each have radio stations that played them 24 hours a day, and I'd still be a loyal listener.

On the other hand ...

Y'all, we're all friends here, right? We can make confessions of our deepest, darkest secrets without losing respect for each other, right?

Good. Because I'm so, so sick of hearing Jane's Addiction's "Jane Says." Don't hate me.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Dawn! Good Lord! Please refrain from any hating of the B-52s!

However, I am with you on the Eagles. And I am even a fan of the Eagles. But I could do without hearing them on the radio for a long time.

But not REM or U2. Let them play on.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Mike, I know I don't hate you for that. Can't speak for the rest of these girls though - you know they are a tough crowd. (who hates "Copacabana?" I mean, really.)

In the category of Songs That I Don't Hate, But Could Go the Rest of My Life Never Hearing Again would be Tom Petty's "Running Down a Dream."

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

I forgot to mention the big bag full of ass whomping I have waiting for ZZ Tops - specifically for inflicting that song that I can't remember the name of, but that is full of "haw haw haw haw".

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Hating the B-52's is akin to hating apple pie!

Besides Jethro Tull (I mean, a flute. The hell?), I can not endure Van Morrison. Hate him. I don't know why. Maybe it's four years of bad frat party cover bands. I cannot listen to him, though.

And I can't bear the Eagles. I agree with Mike on Creed, and I always, ALWAYS change the station when Gwen Stefani or Alanis Morisette start their caterwauling. Oh, and Bush. That "Glycereeeeeen" song. The fuck? Is it an ode to Neutrogena, or something? Except Gavin Rossdale is so filthy stinky dirty, I can't imagine he'd sing about soap.

And memo to Alan Jackson, or whoever - if "hoochie-cootchie" is the only thing you can think of that rhymes with "Chattahoochee" then it's a good idea to just not write the song in the first place.

Oh, and I really don't like that Nelly Furtado chick. She can sing in Portuguese! She must be talented! Except, she isn't. Unless, of course, a talent on par with a really good act in high school talent show is conidered to be really talented.

Damn. I feel better with all that off my chest.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Oh, preach ON about Nelly Furtado. Every time I hear that Bird Song, I keep waiting for the lyrics to just sort of fade away, until someone finally prompts her/wakes her up/replaces her IV. She's just a Macy Gray wannabe, and I can't abide the Macy. Feh.

I think my B-52's hatin' comes from being exposed to far too many screeched, drunken karaoke versions of "Loveshack". Forgive me.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Dawn, I guess I should apologize. It's just...you know. It gets late, you want to get one last karaoke in, everyone wants to do it together. Love Shack just always ends up being it.

It is sheer butt ugliness when karaoked. Maybe we should all make a pact.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

I knew once I opened the Manilow/Diamond can of worms, all you fans would come out from hiding behind your good taste.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

here y'all go, cracking my shit up again.

Word on Van Morrison - although I don't dislike all his stuff; in fact, "Into the Mystic" is one of my all-time favorites. It's just "Brown Eyed Girl." I hate it like dirty, burning hatred.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Early ZZ Top kicks ass. "Legs" era ZZ Top? Not so much.

I highly recommend getting past "Brown-Eyed Girl" and "Moondance" in the Van Morrison catalog. "Madame George" or "T.B. Sheets", for example, are incredible songs.

Don't judge U2 music by the band's bloated sense of self-importance. The music is great in spite of the attitude. Even some of the new stuff.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

See, MOC, my Chris adores Van Morrison. He actually would love to use a Van Morrison song for our first dance song. I'm sure that y'all can commisserate about my dislike (God! "Moondance!" HATE.) and why I clearly have no taste in music. I just can't bear his trying-to-be-oh-so-deep-and-sensetive voice.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Do NOT diss Barry. He's a fuckin' god people. He played piano for my secret girlfriend Bette Midler back in her bath house days. He writes kick ass commerical ditties. He wrote a song for his grandpa! His grandpa people, do you have hearts of STONE? Fuck you, I'll be in the corner snogging with Barry.

I won't even touch the Eagles hate. Man, hating the Eagles is like hating your momma or the flag or really good drugs.

I am all about some 70's California and Southern Rock. Give me a margarita, some Sweet Home Alabama, and some potato salad and I'll have myself a damn party.

And just so you can all hate me in return. . . I fucking HATE and LOATHE anything by any Vaughn brother. Stevie Ray? Hate him. That other one whose name I can not be bothered to remember? Hate him too. The Vaughns are not the cousins for me. They and all their squeally blues guitar playing buddies should be cast into a fiery pit.

Fucking blues, man. It makes me weep.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Slickery. It's very warm in Hell, you know. Hell is where they send all people who talk bad about Stevie Ray. You'll be in good company, though.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Slickery, I feel just positive that you are a good and decent person.

But... Lynyrd Skynyrd is Good? And Stevie Ray Vaughn is Bad? Help me to understand. Jimmie Vaughn, yes - I see why people call him a hack, although I did love me some Thunderbirds back in the day.

But... "Life By the Drop"? should be cast into a fiery pit? The mind boggles.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Slickery, wait. You have ALL blues? Or just squealy blues?

I stand by my hatred of the Eagles. That they're from Macon is the only reason I can stomach the Allman Brothers.

I do need to state my hatred of jam bands. Phish, the Grateful Dead, Dave Matthews, Moe, and even Bela Fleck.

But now that I think about it, it's not the jam bands that I can't bear - it's their filthy neo-hippy fans that I can't deal with. The hippies and their stinky patchouli and that awful hula-on-thalydomide looking dance that they do at every single jam band concert. Y'all know what I mean - that dance where the hippies sort of hop around and flap their arms like they're flippers, or something.

And they stink. And they don't know who Keb Mo is, they're just all, "Futureman! Futureman!" When really, it's Keb Mo that kicks ass. I like Bela Fleck's bluegrass, and damn, can that man play the banjo. I just can't bear that jam band fusion crap. And the hippies.

Uh, yeah. Jam band fans.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

(And by the way, if anyone can tell me where I can find a South Park sound file of Cartman saying, "Hippies! Hippies! Everywhere! They say they want to save the Earth but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad!" I will be your slave for at least a year.)

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Now wait. Are y'all talking about songs you're sick of because they're overplayed or just really bad songs? Because there is a difference.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

When I mention songs, like that "Glycereeeeeen" one, it's because I think it's such an awful, pointless song that I don't understand how it was ever even approved for recording. Same thing goes for Nelly Furtado. She is a mediocre talent, and I don't understand how she got a recording contract, unless she used the casting couch.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

T, does it help that I hate jam bands (I didn't know that was a genre but now I'm loving that phrase) and their fans too? Dave Matthews has one good song and the rest should like this "mummble mumble where's my fucking week mumble mumble insert violin riff here." Grateful Dead? Do not tease me; you are not all dead, I am not grateful. Phish? Phshaw!

I hate the blues, if that is what it is called, where the guitars squeal and they play the same damn three notes over and over and OVER until I want to puncture my eardrums with an ice pick. There may be some blues I like without knowing it. rog? Do I like any blues without my knowledge? I know I hate fucking Eric Clapton singing with B.B. King on my radio every damn morning. God, Eric Clapton, he makes my eyes bleed. It does not help that rog loves, loves, LOVES the blues.

See, the thing is, I completely admit that I have very sucky musical tastes. If it's sold on a compilation album through a "only on TV" commercial involving an 900 number and no COD orders I probably like it. Plus I'm very resistant to new music because I don't know the lyrics and therefore can not sing along. I listen to the same small set of CDs over and over and over again and have no interest in anything else usually. I suck, I know. I'm sure Stevie Ray was a good person but I just can't listen to that. Um, but I like tequila, does that make it better?

I'm the Archie Bunker of music, full of opinions based on ignorance and fear and I like it that way.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

"Here goes: What's a "danforth"?" I'm the Danforth. Or at least, one of the Danforths. Why anyone would reference the Danforth in music is anyone's guess, since nothing really ryhmes with it. (us.)

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

T! Thank God! I thought I was the only one who believed Nelly Furtado was a talentless hack. And I'm highly suspicious of her beauty too. Can't an untalented ugly girl get a recording contract?

Who said Christina Aguilera???

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

T - http://www.sassy.net/hippies.wav

I don't need a slave, just knowing someone else is out there fighting the good fight against Jam Bands is reward enough.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

Y'all can just kiss my stanky patootie, then, because I love me some jam band. That's my favorite kind of live show. Granted, going stone cold sober could get tiresome. Getting high is key. Rusted Root, Widespread Panic - pretty much anyone who will find a groove and play it out can woo me into a happy stupor anytime.

I'd jam with Dave Matthews ten times before I'd ever squeal with Backspears BoySync. shiver.

Getting down and sweaty and dancing all goofy and funkified is the best stress release in the world. Y'all don't know what you're missing!

The most irritating sound in the world to me is hearing some minidivaette running up and down the scales on every third note. Trembly voice makes my ears bleed.

-- Anonymous, August 21, 2001

I can accept that someone out there doesn't like Stevie Ray. I may find incomprehensible, but, you know, to each their own. Some people, by the way, consider Jimmie Vaughn to be a better guitar player than Stevie in some respects.

The fact that Nelly Furtado gets a record deal and Wilco gets dropped symbolizes everything that is not only wrong with the music industry but also the world.

Jam bands. Ugh! They are horrible. If I wanted to listen to 20 minute free form solos, I would listen to people who know how to do it, like Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, or Miles Davis. The worst thing on the face of this musical earth was the drums/space section of a Dead show.

As far as having to get high to enjoy a band's show...It's kind of like saying you need to get drunk to make love to your wife/husband. You can do it, but it just isn't right.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001

Jam bands. Ugh! They are horrible. If I wanted to listen to 20 minute free form solos, I would listen to people who know how to do it, like Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, or Miles Davis. The worst thing on the face of this musical earth was the drums/space section of a Dead show.

As far as having to get high to enjoy a band's show...It's kind of like saying you need to get drunk to make love to your wife/husband. You can do it, but it just isn't right.

Chris. THANK YOU. Y'all know I'm marrying a Dead fan, right? So sad.

And Beth. I love you.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001

I don't have to get high to enjoy it, but it definitely creates a special groove. Seriously, I think you guys are missing out on something special. I would feel totally gypped to go see a band where everything was so down pat and calculated that they couldn't just let go and follow the music. That's right, I said "follow the music". I got all new agey hippy-like on you. But, what's the point of going to see the band live if they just play their radio hits verbatim and then bow and trot off?

I love music. We are bigtime bootleg collectors, mostly Zeppelin, and listening to the differences from show to show, the new moves and grooves (I'm a poet...dig my rhymes) they picked up along the way, is what makes it good.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001

I have no idea why I decided to become the National Spokeswoman for the Jam Band Arts here. No one is trying to sell me on boy bands, so I don't know why I feel the compulsion to help you learn to love a 20 minute bass solo.

Um, um, um, back on topic.

Frankie Valli gives me brain spasms. Big girls be crying all over the place when you sing, Frankie.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001

Robyn, I understand what you're saying about the sort of free-wheeling, who-knows-what's-going-to-happen-next aspect of jam bands. I just prefer to get that element of surprise from someone like Willie Nelson, who is such a creative musician, he never plays a song the same way twice. It's always interesting and very unusual.

I think music should be creative, always, but a song should never be beat to death just for the point of doing it.

Blues musicians are notorious jammers, and I love the blues, but I can't stand a 30 minute song.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001

I'm not in favor of a band that plays just like the record. In fact, I would find that to be an incredibly boring show. I'm saying that, for musicians to "follow the music" into a long solo requires more than feeling to make it good, it requires technical ability, understanding of music theory, etc. I'm sure The Ramones, if they wanted, could follow the groove, but I'm also sure it wouldn't be that interesting, since they are not musicians trained to play that way.

I believe that following the groove and making it interesting requires just not the emotional response to the music, but the musicical knowledge and skill to be able to construct something interesting that isn't just a bunch of notes. Some of the Jam Bands just play a lot of notes.

As far as the getting high thing, I was responding to the comment that going to a jam band show straight could get tiresome and that the drugs help. It's not the music that gets better, it's just the drugs making you think so. I'm sure someone could get high enough where they could get a groove on listening to someone bang on cooking pots with a wooden spoon. That doesn't make it good music.

And I'm not all Just Say No to Drugs. I've done my fair share. I jsut don't want to see a band I like where the live show could get tiresome if I'm not high.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001

Chris, I totally get you. And I'm not sure why I became the ardent supporter of your right to jam. I've felt that yawny-can-I-take-a-nap-on-this-stool feeling that stems from listening to a self indulgent band musically masturbate for an hour of time that I paid for.

Of course, I see that look on my almost-husband's face every time I whip out the guitar. I'm a one man jam band but I only know a few chords.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001

thread cracking me up. I am a Jam Band girl - though it's in secret, as the only one I really support is one y'all have never heard of (but you should go see them for reals - George Devore and the Roam).

-- Anonymous, August 23, 2001

I wanted to send this to Pamie, but I thought she might, you know, kill me.

-- Anonymous, August 23, 2001

Oh My God.

What the fucking fuck was that?

Their boobs kept changing size and pointing in different directions, and I haven't seen that many cartoon ass shots since Heavy Metal.

Humping aliens, spitting aliens... *if* I smoked pot, I would want to watch this over and over.

-- Anonymous, August 23, 2001

WG! Keli! what the fuck was that???? "If I smoked pot," bwahahaha! you're so right.

Is that band for real?

-- Anonymous, August 23, 2001

Pineapple, they're Pop Stars!

Great. Now that song will be in my head all day. Argh!

-- Anonymous, August 24, 2001

This is the kind of thing I have to check for work.

Admittedly, it's funnier if you know German. Still, the idea of a song in honor of the German finance minister . . .

-- Anonymous, August 24, 2001

I know this is an ultra old thread, but I just had to put in my thoughts. Whiny ass boy rock bands (think Train and such) piss me off like no other. Creed also falls under this category, but I'm willing to put up with Scott Stapp's whiny ass voice and chipmunk cheeks to listen to Mark Tremonti play the guitar. :) I even saw them live just to drool at Mark.

The song that drives me crazy is "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse. I feel like stabbing my eardrums out with a serrated blade whenever I hear the first three chords or so start on the radio. At least it has stopped playing every 3:47.

Britney should be put out of her misery, I hope that Justin gives her some horrible disease. Also, Christina needs a decent hairstylist and wardrobe person, because she looks rather like a poodle lately.

Grr.

-- Anonymous, September 29, 2001

Oh, Tami, I have to agree with you. Except I have to admit I like the Lifehouse song - for now. But I suspect they will go the same way Creed did - I liked them at first but now I can't change the station fast enough.

And that song "Yellow." Yeccch.

-- Anonymous, September 30, 2001

I like the Lifehouse song, but that could be because ESPN used it as background for some of their Stanley Cup highlights, so it has a positive association in my brain.

The Worst Song Ever (as I mentioned on another thread) is now officially the "tribute" cover of "What's Going On" by the "We Are The World" wannabes.

-- Anonymous, September 30, 2001

Anything by Creed. Someone on here said Rob Thomas needs to be taken out back and shot, and I agree but also think that the Creed singer should take the bullet for Rob (after which the shooter can fire again).

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

You are so very correct.

Here is my impression of all Rob Thomas/ Creed types who are actually doing Eddie Vedder impressions, themselves:

"Well, Ahhh just hawwwwwd, the nooos today-ah, it seems mah life-aw, is gawna change-ahw... with awwwwms wide opawwn."

It's like a bad comic doing Cher. I remember specifically putting AB's daughter, Mad Mad, nearly in convulsions singing like this in the car one night.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

Oh mayan, Al, I had that Creed song in my head all morning after reading that! But I am putting it out of my head by listening to some Disco. Drastic, I know.

(Actually, I like a lot of disco. I'm admitting it in a public forum. It's the first step toward recovery.)

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2001

See, MOC, my Chris adores Van Morrison. He actually would love to use a Van Morrison song for our first dance song.

T, what about I'll Be Your Lover, Too? It sure beats Moondance!

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2001

Surely I cannot be the only one who has heard the horror of that new song that is out that samples game show music in the background? I can't tell you the name of the female singer, the song name or even the origins of the game show music, because the horror of it all has made me lose my mind, but trust me, you'll know it when you hear it and IT SUCKS!

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2001

Ironic. Hands down. And someone tell Alanis that showing up stark naked in a video traumatized many a 16-year old boy. On top of that, I fully intend on being in the rafters with a .308 when the next BSB show comes around.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2002

here's the deal, i'm making a cd with the worst songs ever, here's what i got: 1. theme to the pest by John Leguizamo 2. how bizarre by OMC 3. wake me up before you go-go by WAM 4. Pretty Fly by the Offspring 5. Hi, my name is by Eminem 6. I could never be your woman by white town 7. Groove is in the heart by Deee-lite 8. steal my sunshine by Len 9. 2 become 1 by the Spice Girls 10. Barbie Girl by Aqua 11. MmmmBop by Hanson 12. Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys 13. Whoomp! there it is there's more, that I haven't thought of yet, and also except for the first three, there's no order. (but the first three are by far the worst)

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

Hello there:

I have good news for anyone who is really searching for the worst song ever. Come to Spain during July or August and just turn on the radio. If after five minutes you are still listening and haven't puked, I must congratulate you. I'm honest, even a full Mariah Carey marathon would be preferable to any single one of those songs.

I feel quite envious now. You all live in places where you can complain about U2 and Bruce Springsteen not being good enough. Most people here would tell you that Jethro Tull is the Austrian Secretary of Education, or something similar.

Best.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002

Zak, how could you go there on "Intergalactic?" That shit is dope.

Despite what Naked Hannah thinks, I'm nominating "Afternoon Delight." Also, for my money, the Worst Song Ever is "What's Up" by the Four Non-Blondes. I mean,

So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in my bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar ...

...well, I should say so.

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002

I really don't understand the bashing of the jam bands...understood the songs are sometimes a bit drawn out, but c'mon...you can't tell me you'd rather listen to the butt-sex boys. ya know?? really...at least jerry, dave, trey, and the boys have some talent other than shakin their "bon-bon"...

another thing...the whole new pop-punk revolution i.e. blink 182 is a load of crap...they're a bunch of talentless clowns out there to make 16 year old boys annoy the hell out of everyone else with a descent taste in music.

it seems to me record companies are intentionally taking the soul out of music...what ever happened to a band making it grass-roots style? i'm in a band, and i'll tell you...record companies are the mirror of corporate america. They believe the main stream should listen to...well...whatever the hell they tell us to listen to...

kids today are doomed in a musical aspect...and well a shit-load of other things too...but that's another bag of bullshit...

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2002

Hippie, I have to point out that many of the original punk bands were talentless, too, but dammit if that wasn't just part of how great they were.

I just can't tell the difference between a lot of popular bands now, and I know that I sound like my parents when I say that. That Salon article (no link, I'm too lazy) that talked about how Clear Channel's main objective was to lull the listener in between commercials, so only playing songs that sound similar to the last was 'smart programming' - that explained a lot to me.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2002

Hey Hippie - come on down to Austin. There are plenty of bands "making it grass-roots style down here." Witness Fastball and Bob Schneider. Both have been just doing their thing for years, building a fan base from live shows instead of radio play, selling CDs out of the back of a truck, and making gads of money that way. The national consciousness thinks they are "new" artists, but they just worked the clubs, worked the music, and then got "found" by the big label and made the "big time."

(was that enough quotation marks for y'all? witness their usage in place of "so-called," and not just because I am a tool.)

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2002

The worst song ever? Hmmm... That's a tough one, considering the fact that most popular music is crap. I would have to say that any of the following songs are all abominations of human creativity and that they should be cast back into that shadows of forgotten things:

- Wake me up before you go go, by WHAM - Take on me, by Ah-ha - The final countdown, by Europe

80's pop truly is the work of the devil...

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2002

Did somebody just diss "Take on Me?"

Because, I'm sorry, but that's the best song ever. EVER.

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2002

Hellz yeah! there will be NO dissing of "Take on Me"!! I would've bought the album, but my cousin did and that was good enough.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 2002

"Take on me" is not only a wonderful song, but it is also an amazing cutting-edge state-of-the-art video.

Take that dis elsewhere, my friend.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 2002

I feel obligated to stick up for Santana since I know his bassist and he's a good guy. Can't say anything about Smashmouth though... ;)

-- Anonymous, April 02, 2002

cranial disorder? Yes.

How can you rip on Wham!? I mean, how?

-- Anonymous, April 02, 2002

In third grade my best friend Heidi Slovacek and I broke up because she decided Wham! was no longer her first favorite band, but her third.

I don't take kindly to the dissing of Wham!

-- Anonymous, April 02, 2002

Woah! How can y'all diss on Wham? Sadness!

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2002

I read this entire thread. I have yet to see "MacArthur Park," which everyone knows has the market cornered on stupid. But, the worst song? "Ballad of the Green Berets" by Sgt. Barry Sadler. No words.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Jessa - is that the "Fighting soooooooldiers... From the skyyyyyyyy" song that is on the Time-Life "Story Songs" commercial? I want to make sure that I have the right song stuck in my head all day.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Yep, I do believe that's the one.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Will y'all all laugh if I admit I really, really want that Time-Life CD?

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Oh, I totally want that cd. I mean, we're talking "A Boy Named Sue" and "Harper Valley PTA" on one two-disc set!

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

I KNOW! And that's not even mentioning "PT-109". Every time that commercial comes on I have to hide my phone.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Sorry, guys, but I have to agree with Cranial Disorder. If there ever was an entire genre of songs that would make me cringe, it's 80's pop. I shudder just hearing Banarama or The Go-Go's on my radio.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Without 80's pop, there would be no "Total Eclipse of the Heart," not to mention "True Colors." I'm going to commit suicide now.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Leigha, we're going to have to beat your ass to a pulp now. Nothing personal.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

so... you meet the perfect guy, but unfortunately your first kiss just happens to occur at a wedding while the WORST song possible was being played, and this is then doomed to be "your song" forever and ever. Which of the following songs would make it worth walking away in order to avoid a fate worse than death by having to dance to this song at your fiftieth wedding anniversary? Nominees are: "Muskrat Love" by Captain and Tenille, "Come Sail Away" by Styx, or "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor, or "Blinded me with Science" by Thomas Dolby.

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2002

Muskrat Love would be the worst of those choices. I mean, at least with Come Sail Away you could play the Eric Cartman version and have a good laugh.

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2002

Oh c'mon, where is the Captain and Tennille love? "Love Will Keep Us Together" is one of my all-time favorite tunes...so many childhood memories. I would definitely have to go with, "Eye of the Tiger". That would only work if your name was Adrienne.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2002

Can I choose the America cover of "Muskrat Love"?

I do a mean karaoke "Love Will Keep Us Together," it must be said. Even the little "Sedaka is back" at the very end.

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2002

Danforth is a street in Toronto. It's the Greek district of the city. Middle-income houses mostly.

Oh, and that line at the end of "One Week" is "Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie". It's a stadium in the part of Toronto that the BNL guys grew up. The Robbie is a soccer tournament.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2002

Any song from the musical, "Annie". "It's the hard-knock life for us! It's the hard-knock life for us!". Old Whitney Houston songs, are torture to me too. For example, "How will I know if he really loves me I say a prayer with every heart beat.." Makes me shudder just thinking about it. Can you imagine someone, who, in highschool, got into the hardcore punk scene, (that's another story.. thankfully grew out of it) got tormented by these types of songs? I could swear I was in my own personal hell with my own little demon singing these songs in my ear (not the whole song but just these little clips)..

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2002

I should probably ban you for shunning Annie, but I can't, and that makes me sad.

I think I'm gonna like it here!

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2002

Oh c'mon, no more Annie hate! That soundtrack was a HUGE part of my childhood..."You're never fully dressed without a smile!"...okay, I'm making myself gag now.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

Y'all, my bedroom was Annie everything when I was nine. I wanted to be Andrea McArdle with the passion of ten million burning suns. I wanted my very own Annie afro wig.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

(channelling Sam the Eagle, of Muppets fame)...

You. Are all. Weirdos.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

I had the entire movie - dialog and songs and all - on an LP record. I listened to it over and over and over. I'm fairly sure I could probably still sing all of the songs and recite a good portion of the dialog. And? I had an Annie red dress, yes I did.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

In 1981, my parents took me to see "Annie" on Broadway. My Annie was Allison Smith who went on to play Jane Curtain's daughter on "Kate & Allie". From that point on, I wore out at least 6 different taped copies of the soundtrack. I got a new one each Easter and Christmas because the tapes kept breaking. I know that even to this day, I could easily sing all of the songs (badly) by heart.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

Oh, and Julie, I am green with envy over your red Annie dress.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

No doggin' on Whitney without pointing out Deniece (sp?) Williams "Let's Hear It For the Boy". That song is the BEST to do made up lyrics with, though.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

Oh c'mon, no more Annie hate! That soundtrack was a HUGE part of my childhood..."You're never fully dressed without a smile!"...

Umm, true story: to this day, if I am in the dairy aisle at the grocery and happen to see the Brummel & Brown fruit spreads, I begin singing "Your clothes may be, Beau Brummelly..."

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

I'm right there with all of you. A dog can't walk behind me without me singing, "Dumb dog, why are you followin' me? I ain't got a crumb, dog, how about lettin' me be. I ain't gonna FEED. YOU..."

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2002

"Come Sail Away" by Styx is most nauseating Top 40 song that comes to mind. The contrived, fairy-like annunciation of the singer in the opening lines should bring up anyone's breakfast. Special mention should be made of the painful, spoken word debacle "Ringo" by deceased Canadian impresario Lorne Greene(f/k/a Ben Cartwright).

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2002

In terms of inherent loathesomeness, "Escape(The Piņa Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes, is certainly among the worst offenders. However, the bizarre "Oh Babe, What Would You Say?" by former Pink Floyd producer, Norman "Hurricane" Smith creates a similar feeling to a toothache - painful yet morbidly pleasing.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2002

The worst song, or should I say the worst cover of a song is without a doubt --> Pat Boone's rendition of Stairway to Heaven (yes Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven) I defy you to listen to it and tell me that it's not the worst song you've ever heard.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2002

"Havin' My Baby"--Paul Anka or "Chevy Van"--perpetrator mercifully deleted from memory banks at the moment. Bad. Hate. Loathe. Ditto on the "Pina Colada Song".

I'm with you on the Widespread Grateful Phish Called Moe crap, and also loathe Blue Dave and the Hootie Travellers shite. I also have much non-love for boybands, the Eagles, Jimmy Buffet, Creed, Train, Kid Liminembizkorn, and also most of what is played on Commercial-X these days. I do not like music performed for the pleasure of dolphins, dogs or whales (see: Mariah Carey's upper range noodlings). I do not like angry shouty goth / industrial / rap metal / etc. bands. I do not savour the cheese that is personified by the Barbie Divas.

(Please do not pelt me with rotten produce.)< p>I do, however, have a soft spot for Stevie Ray and was v. sad when he shuffled off this mortal coil.

And a-ha don't suck. Really. Lastly, I beg of you: no hatin' on the Beatles...is verboten. Just step away from the Classic Rock station. Slooowly. Slooowly. It will be okay.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2002

I have heard Pat Boone's rendition of "Stairway To Heaven", and while it is awful, it's so bad that it's amusing (in a macabre way). I did remember another terror of the airwaves from my youth: Clint Holmes' "Playground In My Mind". The chorus featured a dreadful chorus of children singing "My name is Michael, I got a nickel, I got a nickel, shiny and new..." It was torture at the time, the sort of song that wanted to make you smash whatever radio it was seeping from.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2002

I've only scanned the comments above briefly. It's so hard to pick the worst song ever. I have a revolving Top Ten list of the Worst Songs (Rock/Pop). Mainly from the late 60's and early 70's. Ironically, this was a time when some of the greatest rock music was recorded (most was not commercially released).

Here's my current list 1. Muskrat Love by Captain & Tennille (I'd like to meet one person who paid cash for this) 2. Candy Man by Sammy Davis Jr. (An insult to all people named Sammy, especially me) 3. Billy Don't Be A Hero by Bo Donaldson & the Haywoods (Take your girlfriend for a ride and blast this. I dare you) 4. Puppy Love by Donny Osmond (Hard to make it through the whole song).5. Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando & Dawn (What if I knocked four times what would happen. What lyrics.) 6. Tie a Yellow Ribbon by the Old Oak Tree by Tony Orlando & Dawn (Tony, the hits keep coming).7. Paper Roses by Marie Osmond (It must be great to have an older brother to look up to. The inspiration. 8. I Write the Songs by Barry Manilow (I had a good friend who asked me to go to one of his concerts. I laughed. Haven't seen her for years.)9. Go Away Little Girl by Donny Osmond (I think he plagiarized Puppy Love. He ought to sue himself.) 10. The Night Chicago Died by Paper Lace (Welcome, you made it to the top ten. Now let's see if you can stay there). Honorable Mention: You Light Up My Life by Debbie Boone, Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks, Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy, Me and You and a Dog Named Boo by Lobo, I Think I Love You by the Partridge Family, Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me) by Reunion, Which Way You Going Billy by The Poppy Family, Beach Baby by First Class, Havin' My Baby by Paul Anka, Ben by The Jackson Five and so many more.

Lifetime Achievement Award for the Worst Songs goes to Barry Manilow (in addition to I Write the Songs, how about Mandy, Can't Smile Without You, Copacabana, Looks Like We Made It, It's a Miracle).

Worst Family - The Osmond Family (see above)

Worst Song by the Greatest Group (Yellow Submarine by The Beatles)

Worst Song by A Popular Singer (that I don't really like) Philadelphia Freedom by Elton John

Bad Groups or Singers that Should Be On List for Plethora of Work (and not mentioned above) - The Carpenters, The Archies, The 1910 Fruitgum Company, Bobby Goldsboro, The Village People, Olivia Newton-John, The Cowsills

Bad songs that can't be on the list. Tell me why!

Let Her In by John Travolta Convoy by CW McCall Disco Duck by Rick Dees The Green Beret by Sgt. Barry Sadler The Streak by Ray Stevens Don't Give Up on Us by David Soul

Love to hear comments, please. Thanks.

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2002

Thw worst of the WOST! Macarena! Los Del Rio I think. I really don't want to know. I HATE IT! That dance is idiotic. nothing like seeing a bunch of rythmless drunk white people TRY to dance to this song in wedding atire. Enough to make me sick. I would never listen to this song if I weren't a DJ and had to make extra money. ...And who did that LOVING YOU song? The one with the birds chirping in the background in an attempt to sound like a nice spring day> I think it goes "Loving you is easier when you are beautiful" Blah Blah... Its mindless dribble. That voice is awful. Why would anyone want to produce a note like that? Ho Ho Ho Its Magic? Pilot was the band. That's a silly song. Fresh by Kool and the Gang. Naming a song after a now dated slang word is the worst thing to do. Double Dutch Bus (unkown artist) I can't rember who did it, but I know it was bad. Any song that has multiple "YO's" in it. Any song spoken in ebonics. Just because you have little knowledge of the english language spite the fact that you were born in America, doesn't mean you can torture people with that crap. Thats a short list of awful stuff.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2002

Scott, honey, you have my undying Amen on the Macarena thing...Warning to ALL people living with epilepsy: This song can trigger a seizure...My biggest beef is with Christina Aggulera (I know I spelled it wrong...The correct spelling of her name is on a need-to-know basis, and I don't need to know it), Mariah Carey, Celine Dion...I don't think I need to point out the similarity to you fine folks...And the boy bands...Oh...My...Gawd...maybe that Lance Bass will get just get lost in space and I'll have a reason to smile once again... Ummmmm...Worst song ever....It's coming to me...Just a moment please..."Sometimes When We Touch"...I believe the loser's name is Dan Hill...And I feel like I should be punished for even possibly knowing his name...This song...I can't explain the effect it has on me...I know Satan had a hand in it...As a matter of fact, I think that song may BE the devil...It is evil...And it puts a foul taste in my mouth...It's true..."I wanna hold you 'til I die, 'til we both break down and cry..." Puh-leeze, mister...If you promise to die, you can hold me all friggin' day... Okay, I feel like I've had my say...Maybe I don't need therapy after all...

Novalyne

-- Anonymous, August 29, 2002