Like you, I work in corporate hell. Is it impossible to speak English in the business world? My favorite buzzword this week is Interactive Customer Response Channel. It used to be called a voice mail menu. My loathsome favorites include 'dry recyclable materials' which we used to call paper, and Periodic Quality Standards Measurement and Reporting, also known as monthly audits. What are your dubious faves?

-- Anonymous, September 06, 2001

Answers

My most very least favorite corporate office phrase is "going forward." As in, "Going forward, we're going to implement (ooh, another one I hate) the distribution of the organizational charts to the people we office with." I hate "office" as a verb, too. You don't office, people! You are IN an office.

I swear I'm not drunk this early in the morning, office(r).

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

I'm getting really tired of people using "utilize" instead of "use" in their reports. Sometimes a 10-cent word is just the way to go, people.

So as my own private rebellion, I'm going to start referring to office supplies (the extraneous ones, like highlighters, that people always seem to have about 50 of in the briefcases) as "flair", and see how long it takes people to realize I got that term from a movie.

I've already started using made-up phrases with clients. The other day one guy asked me if I thought he had time to check his voicemail before the meeting started, and I was all, "oh, sure. You know the first 15 minutes are just hug-n-howdy time, anyway." He seemed to get a kick out of that. Maybe I'll get a promotion?

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

I really can't stand the phrase, "action item."

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

Oh, is THIS the thread for me.

I HAAAAAAAAAAATE it when people say "Speak to" when they mean "Speak about." For example, "Steve, going forward, can you speak to this action item?"

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

Thank the Baby Jeebus I do not have to deal with this stuff because I would laugh in the face of anyone who asked me to "speak to" an issue that concerns the people I "office with." The hell? I have industry lingo but no one uses buzzwords, woo!

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

Oh boy. You should deal with the military. They just love buzzwords and the acronyms. Oh, the acronyms! I had to make a list of them just to figure out what the heck was going on. It's like a foreign language.

My favorite buzzword of all time (actually buzzphrase) is an oldie but goodie: paradigm shift. Paradigm shift this! And you know what it really means: "Well, this business model isn't working, let's change it and maybe now we'll make some money!" Oooh! Business model! There's another!

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

It's been three years since I was discharged from the military and I still get shivers just reading this stuff. I had a 3 hour class when I was in about paradigm shifts and "thinking outside the box".

What am I, breakfast cereal?

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

I smell a new topic: If you were a breakfast cereal, which one would you be?

Other appropriate buzzwords for today's economy: reduction in force, downsizing. Ugh.

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

My boss likes to use pedagogies and trilennium.

My personal favourite, though, was "Productive Pedagogies Matrix"

Otherwise known as a list of goals.

-- Anonymous, September 28, 2001

ohhhh God. Maybe I don't need a job anyway. Because I forgot that I hate and am simultaneously guilty of spreading "facilitate". I mean spreading it like some crabs, yall. When I left (oh! I mean, got downsized from) the last job, we'd had to implement a "facilitate" moratorium.

You know, the conversation goes:

Executive Director: "We need to make sure the voter file project is wrapped by Sunday."
Me: "Well, I think that Sue can probably facilitate that, since her schedule is pretty light this week."

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

because, as I meant to point out, what's so wrong with the word "handle" or even "do"? Nothing, that's what.

But "facilitate" is a CYA term... it means "I'll be the one to pass it off on someone else" or "I won't actually be doing the work, but I'll see that it's done."

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001

One of my professors almost made up a word the other day in class. Half of us, at least, thought he was saying "dealternation model" instead of "the alternation model" (what either one of those mean is beyond me- it's critical studies, blech) and wrote it down. I guarantee you some papers will refer to dealternation model.

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2001