I know that squishettes.com is down, and most of you have dispersed to Three Way Action and such, but I am wondering about all of you in this terrible time, and it would do my heart good to see y'all check in and tell me you're okay.

It has been an even stranger time not having my usual outlet to express my sorrow and fears. My pain and anxiety. This horrible, deep feeling of What Happens Now?

My heart goes out to all of you, and I hope everyone is okay.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2001

Answers

I'm glad you're alive & well, pamie.

Through some miracle, our New York office and the immediate family memebrs of our NYC consultants were both left unscathed. Also, several friends who worked for companies in the WTC have finally reported in and, after some initially depressing estimates, they are telling me that their companies, too, were unscathed. We're not sure how we managed to be so fortunate. Three peoplehad related injuries. That's it.

I've been very emotional all week, understandably. I keep sobbing and losing my train of thought. My boss did not let us go the day of the tragedies until 4PM, and the next day I got scolded for inattention to detail in a memo. Aside from the timing being bad, I can't understand how everyone else in this office has bounced back so quickly. When at work, I feel like I'm inappropriate in some way to be teary and to care so much, but once my time is my own again, I'm not sorry that I care and I don't feel that I'm incorrect.

My personality quirks are such that I have to know a lot of information about everything in order to help me come to terms with things and emotionally process things. And what's been hard is that the information has had no end--it has been constant, and the reports are filled with mostly unmitigated horror and sadness, and I'm starting to realize that this is another one of those situations where I'm never going to understand it completely or grasp the scope of it.

It has also been hard to be told that because I have iron-poor blood and the response was so prompt, that I can't donate blood myself. It compounds the helplessness not to be able to do anything tangible to help right away. I have donated money and supplies, but I feel like I could do more, and have actually given more than I can honestly afford, financially. And it just isn't nearly enough.

I was having a discussion with a friend shortly after the tragedies. You probably know 180-380 people personally, and can grasp, intellectually, how great the loss of that many loved ones would be. It's nearly inconceivable to grasp the losses we have all collectively suffered when the numbers reach into the thousands. I can't mentally picture 5,000 individuals. I can't grasp the total horror of it. My heart is just broken.

During the day of mourning, in an attempt to give the departed some small measure of the eulogy they deserve, I took the passenger manifests and Navy personnel lists that have been made available, and spent time trying to envision what each person was like, and how many friends and family they'd left behind. It took a long, long, long time.

Our losses are so great.

I'm so sorry you're feeling fear and pain. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better for all of us, but there are no words, there are no deeds. All I can offer is shared sadness. *hugs*

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2001

Hi Pamie, Glad to hear from you. Keeping in mind the "petty thoughts" forum over at bad hair days, I have to admit that in the midst of all this suffering and fear, I had a moment where I wished you were still online so that we could get your take on things. Hope you are doing well and know that we miss you.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001

hiya's ya'll, im fine, not that, anyone really cares, sorry it took me so long to resond back, but hey.. thats life huh? see ya'll later

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2001

things in my world are all right. (all my family in new york/new jersey is fine. huge relief, that.) we're shocked and worried, but everyone is alive and well.

it's weird to be living under the flight path for an air force base and have a few days of no planes at all.

i've been missing squishy and all its people, too. good to see you're all right, pamie.

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2001