Help, I need advice!! Tonight I attended a family gathering for my wifes sister. It was her 25th wedding anniversary,and the whole family was there. The problem is that when the gifts were being opened,my wifes folks gave her sister her china as a gift. It seems that 26 years ago when my wife was single she purchased a 20 setting,set of china. the set was huge and very attractive. Her mother never had a set of her own, so my wife let her use 10 place settings with the understanding if anything would happen to her , my wife would get them back. So you can emagine our shock as her sister opens this gift with her china. How would you handle this sticky problem? I feel so bad for my wife,but don't know what to do.

-- Del (dgrinolds@gvtel.com), October 28, 2001

Answers

If I understand this correctly....the 10 piece place setting was orginally your wife's from her 20 piece place setting right ??? If that is the case I guess it really does belong to your wife but it could very well get touchy as you said. I might just mention to my sister the situation and perhaps offer to buy her a set of dishes to replace her matching set. More than likely (hopefully) her Mom forgot what they had said many years ago. If you think this will start a family argument you could explain it and if she doesn't want to give the set back just say that it will be nice to each have the same set of dishes and leave it at that. It isn't worth having hard feelings over dishes. There is a web page but I don't know what it is off hand that would be able to match pieces for your orginal set to once again complete it. I think you could probably find the address from Martha Stewart magazine on line. Family is more important than china. I wish you luck !!

-- Helena (windyacs@npacc.net), October 28, 2001.

If it were me I would mention it to my folks but not to the folks who got the 'gift'. Anytime you give something to someone, even with 'strings' attached, you have to be prepared to never see it again. This is why 'lending' something needs to have limits.

Peace to you all. Perhaps you might consider it a donation.

-- Anne (HealthyTouch101@wildmail.com), October 28, 2001.

Maybe your Mom gave her daughter the nicest thing she had.

-- paul (primrose@centex.net), October 28, 2001.

This one really got to me cause this same thing happened to me!! My parents got old and just sold the auto that I was to get back. It just killed me when they did, it was a classic, but I bit my tongue and just let it go.

Thats my advice. Just let it go. Its only stuff.....Kirk

-- Kirk Davis (kirkay@yahoo.com), October 28, 2001.

What's more important to your wife - her relationship with her family or some dishes? Let it go - it's just stuff and it's not important.

-- Cheryl in KS (cherylmccoy@rocketmail.com), October 29, 2001.

Drop it...it's not worth the grief it will most likely cause.

-- CJ (cjtinkle@getgoin.net), October 29, 2001.

Yep, I agree with Cheryl. Hey, your wife apparently hasn't missed it in 26 years so if the sister likes the china be happy it is still in the family and loved. The folks could have given it to an outsider! Dishes can be broken...family is family not just in this life but forever. Not worth a break in the family!

-- Karen (db0421@yahoo.com), October 29, 2001.

I guess I'm going to be the odd one here. I always think the truth is the best way to go. If family is more important than dishes, then the sister wouldn't mind, would she? How come the sister didn't know they were your dishes? Hasn't she ever noticed that your's and your mom's were the same? I would simply just talk about it, to the sister first, then the mom. It might be important for your wife to be able to hand down the set of dishes one day.

-- Cindy in KY (solidrockranch@msn.com), October 29, 2001.

Is it possible that after 26 years the mother had come to think of the dishes as her own? I hope this can be handled without a break in family ties. Good luck.

-- Grannytoo (jacres40@hotmail.com), October 29, 2001.

Whenever you let someone have something for soooooo long, it basicly becomes theirs. You could complain and cause a bit snit, but it may not get you the dishes, or they will give you the dishes and think you are petty. The most you can do is realize you shouldn't give something away (or "loan" it) if it really matters if you get it back. There are plenty of items that have been "adopted" by relatives in all families. They have it so long they sell it, trade it, give it away, etc. Maybe you can explain it and buy them from the sister? She shouldn't be out a gift just because you lent them to the mother years ago. Good luck in a rotten situation!

-- notnow (notnow05@yahoo.com), October 29, 2001.

I lent my big sterio player to my folks since we had two and I told my mother now this is a loan (it was only a year old and I had payed 1,200 for it) the next two years when I visited her I said how is my sterio player working for you, and she said they love it. Well the third year she said the cd player had broke and I told her to take it in and have it fixed and let me know how much it cost so I can send her the money, since it's mine and I am going to ask for it back one day. She said oh that was ok she would have it fixed no problem. Well about 6 months later she was having a yard sale and she never told me she was putting it in the sale. I ask her on the phone how her sale went and she said oh it went great. I have 100.oo to send you. I said 100 for me what for. She said the sterio. I put it in the sale for 100 and told everyone the cd player was broke but if they wanted to fix it they would have 1,200 hundered sterio. My heart just sunk!! I saved and saved to get it, But when I got together with Vern and we got married and he moved in he had one that cost even more than me. Well I bit my toung and have told my self every year sence how much money did she spend on you every year of you life. Let it go. It will be something that bothers me forever. I am sure she thinks she told me she was going to put it in the sale before she did it, But she never said a word to me.

-- Teresa (c3ranch@socket.net), October 29, 2001.

Now that the parents are a bit older, and it's been so many years, is it possible they simply forgot which daughter they belonged to, and thought they were giving them back to the right one? Either way, I wouldn't fall out with the family over this. Life is full of disappointments. Don't go to battle over the small stuff.

-- mary (marylgarcia@aol.com), October 29, 2001.

Thanks for all of the responses to my problem. As you may have guessed I had decided not to do anything about the situation right away. However I did harbour some hope for a solution that resulted in my wife getting her dishes back. And now for the rest of the story-My father in-law was an only child and inherited his farm. Which he will tell without any hesitation is the best land in the county. He worked his 8 children hard and gave them nothing. Dressed them in rags and didn't allow them to belong to clubs,sports,band or chorus. They had to work. My wife purchased a china hutch 17 years ago and her mother loved it so much she lent that to her too. It was just the greatest till her father had a larger one custom made for her mother then it was so much garbage( we did get that back) My wifes father was so selfish and controlling, that even today he controls the family and most have grown children of thier own. They are not poor, they have a huge home(remodeled several times) and have 600 acres of prime land. The youngest son (35) still farms the land but like a slave. Daddy isn't about to let go of any power. Sorry about the venting,but now you know why I even considered saying something.

-- Del (dgrinolds@gvtel.com), October 29, 2001.

Sounds like my family, maybe we're related! I agree with the majority of the responses-let it go as far as the tableware is concerned, but,I don't buy the notion that anyone, forgot anything and I would never, ever under any circumstances do another thing for my parents or my sister. Sounds like you don't care for them anyway. Why put yourself in that position. Try: Sorry we have plans. No, thats not a good time for me. Gee, has it been that....long? Awfully busy then.. etc., etc. Good luck, ain't family grand.

-- Karen (karen217@ivillage.com), October 29, 2001.

"Never a borrower nor lender be" - Shakespeare

-- Emory (NE PA) (et@hazleton.net), October 29, 2001.

i feel for ya. my grandmother gave me a moustache cup that my great great great grandparents brought from scotland and that had been in the family for while.we estimate it dates back to 17th century. anyway she gave it to me as a wedding present, when we moved into another apt, i asked my mother to hold it for me so it wouldnt get broken, after i got settled, i went to get it and she swore up and down that my grandmother gave it to HER!!! and i never asked her to hold it for me. that she has always had it. talk about pissed. she said my grandmother promised it to her and with her it was staying. how do ya like those apples!!!!so i let it go, though it still makes me so mad i could explode. i look at it this way, we could all be gone tommorow. its just china. cody

-- cody (urbusted@alltel.net), December 09, 2001.