How long do you have to date someone before you consider introducing them to your parents?

What's your fail-safe way to impress your SO's rents?

Any horror stories?

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

Answers

Y'all are going to think I'm eeeevil for bringing this up, but the FAILSAFE way to impress the parents of your SO is to "be there" for your SO in his/her hour of darkness.

Seriously, my parents friends, since Bill Lowe's memorial service, have been planning to build a statue of the MOC so they can hold him up as The Ultimate Boyfriend.

Other ways to insure that everyone gets along is to have them meet in a neutral place, for some activity so that they can get to know each other. That is, if you want them to get to know each other.

Chris and I dated for a long time before either of us met the other's parents. Both of us (I hope) made favorable impressions from the start, because we really knew each other well.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

I have impressed many a boyfriend's parents by cooking for them. I go to their house, I bring crawfish tails, and I cook them a meal like they've never had before. From then on, they love me.

Also, write them a nice note after you meet them. If they were ever iffy about you, a well-written note on nice stationery will ensure that you are a part of the family. If you stay at their house, definitely send them a small gift, or bring somehting with you - a book, a plant - you can't go wrong with a hostess gift.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

I think what Partner's parents like so much about me is how complimentary I am to the Partner.

I'm always mentioning how smart he is, or how funny, or how gorgeous, and I think that it made them really happy to see that he found someone who sees all of those things. And I always offer to help: clean, cook, run errands.

My mother loves him because she sees how much he loves me. So it works both ways.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

Semi-horror story: When I met his mother for the first time it was at Christmas. She just kind of glanced at me when I walked in. Later she said "What's your name again?" And that was about the extent of it. It turned out OK though. She's no social butterfly but she's a good person. I like her more than my own mother.

Don't meet them for the first time at any sort of holiday gathering, like Thanksgiving or Christmas. NOBODY'S at their best then.

As afar as how long, if you've moved in together after 2 weeks, then maybe a meeting should happen quickly. On the other hand, if you've been dating casually for 6 months, the meeting could wait another 6 months. If he hesitates to introduce you to his parents or has never mentioned your existence to his parents, run for the hills. (From personal experience.)

Impressing them? You're probably fine as is, but you know, keep the tales of drunken debauchery to a minimum and show up in conservative dress that covers as many piercings and tattoos as possible.

Some people just can't be impressed, witness WG's trials with her mother and the Smoker. But that's another topic that may have been addressed earlier.

Are you meeting his parents then? Good luck.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

Buy them a birthday present. Make sure said birthday present has your address on the box, even though you, your boyfriend, and his brother and sister-in-law are dividing up the cost. Poof! Instant father-in-law.

(Granted, no one's paid me, but that's another matter altogether.)

Seriously, though, SmokerDad and I got along pretty damn well the one time we met. The Smoker was teasing me about being a Yankee and after I looked at him and said, "F--k you," SmokerDad laughed and said, "I like this one." And it's held so far.

SmokerMom is not an issue. I've met her, but The Smoker wants her as far out of his life as possible.

My parents are still refusing to acknowledge The Smoker's existence, though at least yesterday my mother was willing to listen to me say nice things about him.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

I'm mostly just curious!

I met my college boyfriend's parents for the first time by myself! I was interning in D.C. for the summer, where he was from, and for the first few weeks I was there he was off in Seattle climbing mountains.

His dad called me and invited me out to their house in Fairfax, VA for the weekend. I took the Metro out there, they picked me up at the station and spent all day Saturday with them and Sat. night at their house. I was a WRECK. But it was pretty nice. I saw them a few more times that summer, and then alas, never again.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

I've found the best way to impress the rents-in-law is to treat your man well. They should trust his judgment in selecting you. Of course, one could screw that up royally by acting a fool, but I think a pleasant, friendly demeanor and reasonable appearance should be enough for any human. You shouldn't have to pull a bunch of stunts to make them like you. Unless, of course, you WANT to.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

True - his parents knowing that you make him happy is the best way to get them to adore you. The first time I met C's parents, they told me that this was the happiest they'd seen him in five years. They also told me that I handled him better then anyone - that is, when he would fricka-frak (my term for when he gets tense for all of thirty sesconds about something silly), I completely ignore him, rather than bicker with him over why he's acting silly.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

Oh, yes. The note is a very good idea.

Last Christmas, I had to send all of C's gifts to his parents house where he was spending the holidays, and I included something general and nice for them, as well.

And I wrapped everything to look like Martha Stewart had done it herself. His mom, at least, was impressed.

When they came here and I finally met them, I sent them a card after they left - mostly because they were so kind when we had to rush to Birmingham for my dad - but I also said how nice it was to have met them, because it was.

The Parents of Cheese are extremely nice people. I was so nervous about meeting them, but have gained some perspective in the last few weeks about these sorts of things -- you've got to just be yourself. They saw how much I love Chris and how comfortable we are together and I think they liked me.

I think.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

(See, Allison is like, the best present-wrapper, package-mailer ever. If there were a patron saint of gift wrapping, it would be St. Allison.)

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2001

I'd recommend the St. Allison route to The Smoker for Xmas, and it might work with my dad, but my mother dislikes getting gifts.

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2001

That's what I was getting at with my post -- like Allison said, just be yourself. If the relationship lasts, you don't want to have to maintain an act for those people. And they can probably sense you're being "not yourself" and may wonder what you have to hide.

Al the Gift Wrap Queen! WHOOO! It's an art, seriously. Nothing better than a beautifully wrapped present.

WriterGirl, I'm really sorry your mother doesn't support your relationship with the Smoker. That sucks.

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2001

Al - what did you send the parents of cheese last Christmas?

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2001

Any last minute advice for anyone who might be meeting the folks this holiday?

-- Anonymous, December 18, 2001

Well, when my mother met my dad's folks, she brought them a ham. From then on, she was their favorite. So my advice is to bring ham, and plenty of it.

-- Anonymous, December 18, 2001

The Smoker plans to bring my grandmother vodka.

-- Anonymous, December 18, 2001

Y'all can help me. I know you can.

After a year and a half, my Nana -- my mother's mother -- still does not know of The Smoker's existence. To the point where I had to invent Swarthmore friends to explain why I'd been in Dallas three extra days over Christmas.

I don't know when my mom and I decided on this little conspiracy to keep her in the dark, but I find it rather annoying, especially as I think she would not be nearly as offended by The Smoker's existence as my mother is. And also I just don't like lying to someone I care about concerning someone else I care about. But I know if I spill the beans my mother will be pissed.

When I go down to visit my grandmother in Florida, probably this month or next, should I just keep my mouth shut? Do you think I'm being selfish? She's 77 and I don't think the shock will kill her, as neither of her kids married Jewish, but maybe I'm being overly optimistic.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

Sometimes you just have to piss your mother off. Tell your grandmother. When she finds out you've kept her in the dark she'll really be aggravated. (You also have to understand that I've ceased worrying about pissing off my mother. Everything and anything sets her off, and I just don't care anymore.)

And no, I don't think you're being selfish. I think your mother is being selfish - even though you didn't ask that particular question.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

I think what bugs me is when I ask myself the question, "What good would come of telling her?", all I get is, "I'd feel better," and that doesn't seem sufficient.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

I think what bugs me is when I ask myself the question, "What good would come of telling her?", all I get is, "I'd feel better," and that doesn't seem sufficient.

On the other hand, you could ask yourself a different question: "Who benefits from the decision not to tell her?"

Does anyone?

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

Well, my mother must have some reason that she doesn't want my grandmother to know so badly. I'm not sure what it is, though. They have slightly different priorities; my mother didn't really care that Ex-WriterBoy was Catholic, whereas my grandmother reacted very negatively to that fact. I'm not sure the whole "he's beneath you" thing will play so strongly with my grandmother.

The couple times I've tried to talk to my mother about The Smoker, I've emphasized that he's sweet and supportive, and her reaction has been along the lines of, "Of COURSE he's sweet and supportive -- that should be any man's natural reaction to you! That doesn't mean he's a good guy for you -- it just means he's human!" Which is flattering but not helpful.

I'm sorry every parent-related thread on this board becomes What Will WriterGirl Do About Her Mother and The Smoker, but it seems to dominate things -- even over Christmas, which I thought went so well, led to him suddenly visibly depressed and upset a few days later because he hated being around my parents and feeling "diminished." (To be fair, neither of my parents are very social, my dad in particular; but my mother is good at chatting up strangers when she wants to be.) And I end up feeling like I'm in the middle, juggling the time I spend with him so I don't piss them off, and then having him feel like he's not the most important person to me.

Anyway. Whether my grandmother knows, or doesn't know, is a minor point. But it does bother me.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

WG - if you're in the habit of sharing your life with your grandmother, I see no reason why you should have to hide your relationship. Especially if there's no decernible reason why it's being hidden, other than your mother dislikes your boyfriend.

And I did meet the parents, and they're very nice and exactly as I expected them to be. Bringing wine and food helps, I might add.

But why is it always harder to get a read on the mother? And why is it that I never, I mean not ever, worry about the dad liking me? Is that a normal thing? Do boys worry more about the father and girls more about the mother?

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

See, now, in previous relationships, I felt pretty much the same way - I could tell that the father liked me, but it was harder with the mother. But with Geoff's parents? Ay yi yi. His father is sort of a freak - a very nice man, but sort of immature and pretty bad at talking about his feelings. Add to that the fact that he misses Geoff a lot (Geoff's family lives in Nova Scotia), and you get: every time we see his father? I become completely and utterly unimportant to the conversation. Each conversation is all about either Geoff, and how great Geoff is, or about Geoff's dad, and what Geoff's dad is interested in. (And as great as Geoff is, and as much as I honestly am interested in hearing about what Geoff's dad is interested in, hearing those two things, and those two things exclusively, gets old after awhile.) When Geoff called his dad to tell him that Geoff and I were engaged, his father said (during a phone conversation that lasted approximately 30 seconds, and shortly after saying "Congratulations"), "Don't let this get in the way of your schoolwork!"

His mom, on the other hand? Is just wonderful to be around. She seems to approach Geoff and I under the theory that if Geoff loves me so much, I must be worth knowing, and so she spends time trying to get to know me. And of course that makes it much easier for me to reciprocate and get to know HER.

Does this have anything to do with anything?

I must admit, it's especially strange now to think that these people are going to be my IN LAWS. Not bad, just strange. All this new terminology. I'm a freak.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

Never, has an s.o.'s mother liked me. Sure, the s.o.'s always say they do, but I think they say it in hopes of having the two main women figures in their lives get along. I mean, no one outright hated me, but I never got a vibe that made me feel secure.

Dads, brothers: never a problem. Sisters were a challenge as well, but paternal grandmothers always liked me.

And maybe this is a cocky statement, but I think oftentimes this happens because these women feel threatened by me in some way, whether it be my education/intelligence, socio-economic upbringing, or attractiveness. That, or the fact I always wear a tight "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful" t-shirt when I meet them for the first time.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2002

I've known a couple of people who have had this issue and it always came down to one of two scenarios.

They realized they couldn't make both their parents and their significant other happy so they either 1) ruined their relationship with the S.O. because they placed their parent's needs and desires above their own or 2) told their parents that it was none of their business who they chose to have a relationship with.

The people who chose the first option usually kept repeating the cycle of doomed relationships because they had parents who were so domineering that they didn't ever think anyone was good enough for their child. The people who chose the second option had a rough time initially with their parents, but usually patched up the differences over time.

I've always felt this way about it. I'm planning on living for at least another 50 to 60 years. If my parents follow the general trend, they will be around another 30 years or so. Why should I give up 60 years of happiness so my parents could be pleased with me for only half that time, especially since they won't be sharing a bed with me every night?

A bit crude, but I think it speaks to the point.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

Well said, MOC. I think I keep coming back here to be reassured that I'm not being utterly nuts when I disagree with my mother.

(Because the last time she was iffy about a boyfriend, she was right.)

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

Of course, that's not to say the MOCs parents don't like me... because... they do. Or they better.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

You smell like Sheer Tiffany, and you make casseroles - who wouldn't love you?

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

Aw, mayn... that's T that does that stuff. But, they like me. I smell all right. And I also make casseroles. But not as good as Teri's.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

D'oh! That'll teach me for being to vain to wear my glasses! But before I slink off in complete embarrassment, you, you, YOU, Al, who wouldn't love you, because you are funnyashell and have great taste in music, which are pretty much the two most important charactaristics to look for in a person.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2002

I say... help with the dishes. Both the mother and the father noticed it and appreciated it and even mentioned it long after I became their daughter in law. And I think the thing about the mother vs. the father is pretty primal. The mother is essentially the first woman in her son's life and you are in contention to be the last. It's a competition plain and simple. I try to be gracious to my mother in law in every situation b/c she will never stop being my husband's mother but there is an undeniable tension there. I think it is very important to pay attention to how your "intended" treats his mother for it is most definitely a framework of a sort for how he will treat you. I love the "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" t-shirt idea!

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2002

Word, Lois. I totally forgot about the magic dishwashing trick.

It's true. My xmother-in-law never spoke a damn word to me, just grunted in my direction if forced by social niceties to acknowledge my presence. Needless to say, although I offered over and over again, she refused any help in the kitchen. I rarely saw her, but it still took me years to grow the balls to just reach into her cabinet and start getting the drinks ready for dinner. I didn't even ask, just waiting for the moment to strike and then jumped in and started putting out place settings and washing the dishes in the sink.

Her entire personality changed within 5 minutes. Suddenly she was chatty and friendly. Total mind fuck, but I was so relieved to have found the key.

Now I practically live in other people's kitchen during the holidays, and I swear that is the reason Partner's parents love me. I have no idea if this works for boys too, because heaven knows I have yet to find a husband who will wash my mother's dishes without me telling them to, but cleaning a woman's kitchen does seem to earn you a place in her heart.

Partner also just looks around for handyman stuff to take care of in my mother's house. He pruned their trees and cleaned up the yard last year, moves furniture, installs ceiling fans, and washes the car. I don't know if that will work for everyone's mother, but mine eats it up.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2002

Did I ever tell about how my ex-mother-in-law would drive the three hour drive to visit and bring her own pots and pans and food and only eat what she brought?

I may be a packrat and disorganized, but filth is non-existent in my home.

Anyway, she never let me do anything in her kitchen (obviously), so when I started dating the lastest ex-boyfriend, I'd offer to help, and if it was declined, I wouldn't press on. So ex-boyfriend's mom cooks an awesome filet one night and says she'll do the dishes later. I wasn't interested in watching football, so I went back upstairs to do the dishes. I emptied almost 3/4 of the dishwasher so I could load it with the dirty dishes when I noticed residue on a glass. And the next glass. And the next glass.

Y'all, I had emptied a dirty dishwasher.

Then I had to go back through all of the cabinets and drawers and search for anything that I missed before. I was so very, very embarrassed, and of course she came upstairs while I'm banging around and asked what I was doing and I just burst into tears. "They looked so clean! You rinse beautifully! I'm SO sorry!" and on and on.

So thanks to those two experiences, I will only set foot in my own kitchen, my mom's, or my sister's.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2002

Keli!!! That's awful, but at least you confessed. I would have just played it off and broke up with the guy.

My aunt has actually begun an active campaign against some of my cousin's girlfriends simply because they didn't help wash the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner. That's the big test with her. I am one of those control freaks who can't hand my kitchen over to someone else, and I am downright afraid to step into my mother-in-law's kitchen with every cabinet empty with the doors hanging open and shit stacked two feet high on every available surface. She needs more help than I can give her in three hours.

-- Anonymous, January 07, 2002

SmokerBro had to SHOW ME how to work the damn dishwasher. Because such newfangled things have not reached my section of Brooklyn yet.

I think he loves me more for the four Crown Royal cowboy-boot-shaped shot glasses I found him on eBay, though.

-- Anonymous, January 07, 2002

Now I'm all paranoid that I didn't help enough in the kitchen. Mayn.

-- Anonymous, January 07, 2002

Oh Hannah, don't be paranoid. My mom's only requirement for my brother's girlfriends is she has to have personality and be fun. She would rather have a girl not lift a finger and entertain her, than some mousy girl doing all the dishes.

My mother-in-law REFUSES to let anybody help her prepare food. You can clean or whatever, but SHE must have any and all credit for the meal. And she gets mortally offended and thinks you're criticizing her cooking if you try to bring something.

-- Anonymous, January 07, 2002

Now I'm all paranoid that I didn't help enough in the kitchen. Mayn.

Dude, I had that same exact reaction. The MOC had to (re)assure me that I did all the right things. I still don't believe him.

But, I'm telling you, if they don't like me... I'll be so pissed off. I know that's crazy. I know. "Hey, I love your son! Don't make me stab you!"

-- Anonymous, January 07, 2002

Horror Story ahead.

I was 16, and my boyfriend's father had been away on business for the entire length of our relationship (three months at that point). Nick (my boyfriend at the time) and I had, well, consumated our relationship a few weeks earlier. So, upon meeting his father for the first time, his greeting to me was, "So YOU'RE the girl my son lost his virginity to!" I wanted to melt right through the floor.

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2002

Oh my god! He told his DAD that??

Well, my parents are meeting his parents this weekend. Except, we'll all be in New Orleans, and my handsome groom will be in Atlanta.

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2002

Leigha, I can't believe you didn't turn and run. I couldn't handle that now, much less at 16. Boys are funny about the girl they lose their virginity to, though. I was going to write an entry about strange encounters with the men we deflower, but my Mom reads my journal and...you know. My Mom.

T, how did you get roped into supervising that first meeting alone? Are you full of the fear?

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2002

I so doubt T is full of the fear. Unless it's the fear that her parents and C's parents will get in an argument over who loves C and T more.

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2002

I don't want to be around when my parents meet Mike's parents. His parents are great people, but my parents are...well...touchy. My mother will think that his mother did something rude and take offense (even if his mother did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING) and my father can't understand a man that doesn't have SportsCenter on the television, 24 hours a day. It's going to be uncomfortable, and I'd prefer to be doing something, anything else than putting them together in the same room.

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2002

If it was solely up to me, I wouldn't introduce anyone to the parents for as long as I can possibly get away with. Unfortunately, my mother objects to this, and so does the boy. While the boy's not likely to be scared off by them, it still makes me nervous. They haven't met yet, as the boy has to work weekends, but I suspect it's going to have to happen as soon as possible. It's very important to the boy to get all relatives introduced ASAP, and he made me meet his the second week we knew each other. (Eep.) Plus my mom gets antsy the longer I'm with someone and she doesn't know them.

I usually get along with SO's parents fine in general, though I also usually don't do much beyond smile and sit quietly and follow the boy in question around either. I'm very inoffensive. I will admit to being nervous meeting his parents because neither of them talked a whole lot upon introduction (his dad hardly speaks), but we get along. Having to introduce the two sets of parents is going to be VERY strange, though...

-- Anonymous, March 26, 2002

I'm meeting them tonight! I'm a little nervous, since they just called this morning to see what The Jeff was up to, and he said that I was just cooking dinner and hanging out, and I had to elbow him to invite them to dinner, too. I'm making bruschetta and herbed chicken cutlets from Mark Bittman's "How to Cook Everything"- his recipes always turn out well.

Wish me luck.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2002

Yay! Come back and tell us all about it.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2002

Good luck, H! I'm sure they'll love you and your food.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2002

The Jeff's dad lived up to and beyond all warnings- I can't decide if he's scary or just hilarious. But seriously, he told me a story about a babysitter who stole a blueberry muffin 35 years ago- and he's still angry. But it went well overall and the food, despite the slightly burnt bruschetta (which his father claimed to like better that way and led to an involved story about Glenn Miller) was eaten up quickly.

I'm sure that the meeting of my parents will not be nearly as easy. Fortunately it's also much further away.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2002

Yay for (Not) Naked (In Front of the Boyfriend's Parents) Hannah!

My mother still prefers to pretend that The Nonsmoker doesn't exist. (Me: "He quit smoking." WriterMom: "Hmmmph.") I don't know what's going to happen when I tell them I'm moving back to Atlanta. They might be pleased to have me back, but they might feel like he's derailing my career -- which I don't think is the case, but I've gotten a lot of people (not my parents) disagreeing with me.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2002