Hi,

I need your advise on a child related financial problem. When my daughter was seventeen I told her I would help her out with college but that I couldn't pay her entire tuition. She started school at 19 and kept her grades up for two years and I helped her with book expenses, and summer classes at a low cost community college. I was using a retirement fund that I had set up to pay bills when she asked for help. Also my mom gave me a some money to use for her when she needed it. She has used up my mom's money on car payments (2) insurance (1 payment) and books. This year when my retirement check came in, the very next day my well pump quit. I had to replace the submersible pump and told her I couldn't give her the check as I had no water. Well she got upset and said she needed $5,000 to pay for tuition in January. That is alot more than my small retirement check. I might add that since the time I began helping her, she has transferred to a private college in our town and got married this past summer. She lost most of her grants due to his income. She lost her State Hope scholarship due to not maintaining a B average. My income has dropped as well as my dh is not working very much off the farm and I am sole support for the family. We have another child at home under 16 and we are paying child support for his two children. We were so looking forward to having the farm paid off in four years, but now am looking at maybe taking out a home equity loan to pay for some much needed repairs here and to help my daughter. What would you do? I might add this same daughter and her husband are currently, as we speak, building a $100,000 home while my family lives in a half renovated, uninsulated, stable which we are slowly converting to a house. We have done without any luxury items, have lived well below normal housing standards for years. We do maintain my one love, three horses which is about the only thing that has kept me sane these past six years. My dh says I would be crazy to borrow money to help her go to school, my mind says the same, but I did promise to help her out. Now I am in a quandry over what to do as times have gotten tougher for us financially since dh is not working off the farm. I ask her about student loans, but she did not say much about it. I believe she will be mad at me if I don't somehow come up with some amount to help her as she was counting on going to school. She does work full time and so does her husband. They also just bought a used truck as his car was falling apart. It seems that if I do help her out, I will be putting myself dangerously close to non-survival unless i refinance my nearly paid for farm. I couldn't possibly carry any more debt now with my current mortage payment. So you can see what a mess this is. The tuition for this school is $12,000 a year and she will need $5,000 for next quarter. Any advise is appreciated, we all know how complicated family matters can be.

Thanks

-- Cindy (colawson@mindspring.com), November 17, 2001

Answers

I must say that you are a good, and kind person to even consider such a thing! I would never ask my parents, if they were in a precarious financial situation to do this for me. If she is married, with a full time job, it is time for her to be responsible for her own life. Young couples just starting out, especialy with both people working shouldn't have a hard time paying for college tuition. If she can't afford the whole amount, she may have to go part-time. I would just expalin that you simply don't have any extra money to help her. Any loving daughter would understand.

-- a daughter (someone@outthere.com), November 17, 2001.

she got married,, so, they took on their own responsibilities,, let them do just that. Shes not maintaining her grades,ect,, sounds like her prioities arrent the same anymore. Cut the cord

-- stan (sopal@net-port.com), November 17, 2001.

Cindy, You've got a big heart. But think with your head, not with your heart. It would be the best for both of you, even if she does get angry. Someone who is newly married and cannot afford their own education certainly should not be building an expensive house!

-- christi in ky (cmarshal@btown.k12.ky.us), November 17, 2001.

My parents helped my with college also, but in the form of a loan which I repaid. She made the choice to get married instead of waiting until she finished school so the grants she lost she should make up. It amazes me that children today expect their parents to pay for their college. If the parents have the money, great, good for them. If not, welcome to adulthood and paying your own way. And, I'm sorry... did you say she and her husband are building a $100,000 home?!?!?!? And she wants money from you?!?!??! Give me a break.

Just another thought, if the situation were reversed, what would your daughter do?

-- Stacey (stacey@lakesideinternet.com), November 17, 2001.

Yes, family matters can become complicated and lead to family tension.

I would simply say you've had some unexpected bills come up and can't help her out as she'd like but will certainly come forward when you feel you're finally able to. keep it short, to the point.

-- Buk Buk (bukabuk@hotmail.com), November 17, 2001.

Cindy, seems to me you answered your own question when you described how daughter was using her own money. I know that it is hard to say no for some people, but this is a real no brainer for me. Am I hard- hearted?? Just say no and do for yourself what needs to be done. You sound like a really sweet person who has bent over backwards to help your daughter and she is living on another planet right now and you are helping her do it. $100,000 new house and you are going to pay for her schooling??? Somethings wrong with this picture IMHO.

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), November 17, 2001.

ditto Stans reply..enough..get on with your own life and don't feel guilty.

-- Lynn(MO) (mscratch1@semo.net), November 17, 2001.

Totally agree with Stan. If your daughter wants to go school, she can do it on her own! She can get her own student loan. I put myself through college & grad school because I wanted to do it myself!

-- DW (Djwallace@ctos.net), November 17, 2001.

You said you'd help, but couldn't afford to pay all the tuition cost at a low cost community college? She's now transferred to a high-cost private college, let her grades drop so she's lost a scholarship, married, she and her husband are building a $100,000 home, they both have full-time jobs, she won't take out a student loan to make up the difference that is her responsibility, and she wants you to pay and pay and pay over and above what you said you could do?

I'd say you'd be doing her a favour by helping her to grow up. At the moment she's thinking that her wishes and her wants are natural laws. She needs to start taking responsibility for own actions, doing some thinking in advance about consequences, doing some planning, and coming to terms with the concept of limited resources. If she and her husband don't learn that pretty soon they'll be in for a very sorry life.

-- Don Armstrong (darmst@yahoo.com.au), November 17, 2001.

You are a very kind and loving mother, but once you get married you take on the roll full time as an adult!! If she can afford to build a house then she can afford school! If she can't then she needs to sit down with her husband and talk over finances just like you do with your husband and figure out ok how can we pay for my classes. My be they should look at building a 80,000 house and getting her through school first, But the planning and getting though it should fall on there own sholders one way or the other. If you stop and think about it, after you got married was your folks involved with your finances? No I think you were an adult. They don't really grow up till you make them grow up.

-- Teresa (c3anch@socket.net), November 17, 2001.

Cindy,

I was the daughter in your story!! When I decided to get married in the beginning of my college years, my parents said "Congratulations, welcome to the real world." What a wake up call! I'll admit I was very upset, especially because my parents could easily afford to pay my way. However, my parents are firm believers of raising independent children and they figured since I jumped from the nest, I was on my way. Thank God! I am now extremely greatful for their decision. By doing that, they taught me to set goals and achieve them myself. Eleven long years later, my husband and I are both educated and working. We own our own house in the country, and are raising two beautiful kids. All the product of our own hard work! It's a wonderful feeling knowing that we "made it on our own."

Good luck in whatever decision you make... being a parent isn't easy!

-- Mary (zoots25@hotmail.com), November 17, 2001.

I lived through your experience as a college student in the early 80's. I got married summer after junior year, worked 55hours/week, graduated without debt. Fortunately, my father-in-law loved me as much as he did my wife, and paid for her last year tuition. Thanks, Dad... 20 years old-welcome to LIFE. I have a younger sister-went to a very expensive private school, Dad unable to qualify for low student loans, put tuition on credit cards-OUCH! Years later, my sister doesn't seem to have a clue how strapped my (and her) parents stay for cash. Even with her good job, and husbands excellent job, she has not taken responsibility for her school expenses. However, they own expensive cars, etc. Moral of the story. Cut the cords.

-- A son who didn't (jed@bop.gov), November 17, 2001.

It's time to let her deal with her own problems. If she can't afford to go to college then she'll have to drop out and save up until she can go back or re-prioritize what she's spending her money on.

Don't feel guilty. Take care of yourself because unfortunately it sounds as if you have a selfish child that is only thinking of herself.

-- Anita in NC (aholton@mindspring.com), November 17, 2001.

My thought is you still have a child at home. You, your husband, and your minor child should be your priorities. Certainly circumstances can change. Your adult child should be mature enough to understand that your financial situation is now different, just as hers is. In no other animal specie does a parent continue to feed and shelter an adult child, When they are grown, they're GONE!

-- Mitzi Giles (Egiles2@prodigy.net), November 17, 2001.

Cindy,

There are too many other options available to put yourself and your husband financially at risk in order to finance this for your daughter. Most of those options have already been mentioned here. It sounds to me like you've already gone above and beyond. I have to wonder if a $12,000 annual tuition private college is the only option for her to get an education.

The only thing I'll say in defense of anything she and her husband are doing is that building a new home might be a good move for them with rates on mortgage money what they are now. They may well end up with lower housing costs than they have by renting now.

Please don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into doing something you know is dangerous to you and your husband. You've worked too many years to give up everything or put it at risk to help your daughter in this case.

I wish you the very best in what I know will be a difficult time dealing with this.

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), November 17, 2001.

If she can afford to get married, she can afford her own education. It is not like she and hubby are helping you out on the farm in exchange. Also, her own grades lost her some money. You shouldn't have to bail her out on something that was of her own doing.

I hate to say this, but don't count on her being there when YOU need her in your golden years, either.

Finally, you promised to HELP her out, because you didn't think would get married until after she was finished. Remind her of that. She sees your own situation, and if she thinks you have money to burn, she should think again.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), November 17, 2001.

I would have a heart to heart with my daughter before this escalates into something un-repairable. You are really talking about nothing more than miss-communication, and you should have brought this to her attention long ago and not let this fester. He has to really be making very good money for her to get no student loan money, there are also lots of other grants and scholarships our there that do not demand a B average, and those of you who didn't go to College, a B in High School is not like a B in College.

Most kids transfer to a University after their basic 2 years of classes at a community or Junior College. I would go with her to the financial aid office and help her fill out loan papers. I would offer to help her pay her monthly costs of paying back the loans, if she finishes and graduates at the end. You are able to defer payments until you graduate then for several months or years afterwards depending upon your field. This is the agreement I have with my children, my oldest is now working with a great job in her field, and I do pay her 40$ a month in student loan, because she finished and I promised I would. Perhaps you can also take this route. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), November 17, 2001.

Cindy, You said you would help her and you have. Now it's her turn. Perhaps she could take off a quarter or two to save up the money for tuition. When you talk to her be sure to communicate to her that you have full confidence in her ability to solve this for herself (even if you don't quite have FULL confidence:-) Reaffirm that you love her and keep smiling the whole time. Don't give in to emotional blackmail. You've been a loving mom to help her with college. Now be a loving mom and let her grow up!

-- Kari (prettyhere@truevine.net), November 17, 2001.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I spoke with my daughter's mother in law who told me that my daughter had dropped a class as well as she is just not studying like she should. Well, today I am going up to the college to speak with the financial aid office to find out the whole story. Too bad children don't come with an instruction manual, right? I have also decided that I am not going to borrow money against my farm to help her out in this situation. I know that should something happen to my job in this economy (I work in telecoms which is in the toilet now with so many layoffs) I would have to work two jobs to just maintain the bills I have now. If there is another way through financial aid, I will find out today. But I agree that at 21 and married, it is time for my daughter to take some responsibility for her actions.

Once again, the great folks here have come through!

Have a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.

-- Cindy (colawson@mindspring.com), November 19, 2001.

Cindy, Just say NO. You do not owe her an explaination. I would have stopped shelling out long ago.

-- Belle (gardenbelle@terraworld.net), November 19, 2001.

Tough Love, you in a bind and can't help it, you have other minor children to care for, she may get angry, but so what, didn't she get angry growing up when you wouldn't let her do what she wanted to? Seems she has her priorities backwards.

-- Carol in Tx (cwaldrop@peoplescom.net), November 19, 2001.