After reading the "theory on alleged crankiness.." i have to say that i was relieved to read in words that which i had a difficult time articulating into my own words. The sentence about *having* to buy for those who don't support us emotionally or mentally hit home, here.

Here's my question...... How does one go about breaking the cycle of giving Christmas gifts to those in the family in which you have absolutely no emotional connection but still remain on speaking terms? "remain on speaking terms" are the key words here as i wish these certain relatives no hard feelings. But buying meaningless gifts for people who mean nothing to you just because it's tradition........

-- Buk Buk (bukabuk@hotmail.com), November 29, 2001

Answers

Are you geographically close as well? If not, you could just "forget" to send something, and chances are, they will "forget" to send something also. Or, try to be out of town for the holidays--you don't have to say where. How important is it really to you that you stay on speaking terms (nothing to do with a possible future inheritance, I hope!)?

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), November 29, 2001.

You could always say "Due to the circumstances of the world condition, we have decided to focus on the meaning behind Christmas and not on the tradition of gift-giving". Or you could simply say that things have changed in your life and you are simplifying your life. I've been thinking the same thing myself. Or at least perhaps recommending that everyone give recycled gifts. Somehow, that might be more fun anyway. I'd send a card or something explaining your point, so you can give them the same opportunity of not giving. But, if they should chose to give anyway, don't get sucked into the guilt thing that often comes with giving. I've never understood that, but have fallen victim to it myself. Good luck. And let us know how it turns out.

Iris

-- Iris (WatchingWideEyed@peaceful.com), November 29, 2001.

Give money to Heifer International. For a donation of $10 and up they will send you as many gift cards as you like. You then give these to your recipients. They are lovely cards and explain that a donation has been made for them. They are on-line too. You can even send e- mail cards I believe.

-- Anne (HealthyTouch101@wildmail.com), November 29, 2001.

Sorry, that is Heifer Project International.

-- Anne (HealthyTouch101@wildmail.com), November 29, 2001.

Having kind of the same problem here. I buy gifts for my sister, my best friend and my mother-in-law (our only living parent). Then we give money to our 3 kids, their spouses, our 10 grandkids and 3 with wives and one great grand child. That is 20 people that we feed on Christmas eve and give money to. We are about to our limit and don't know where to stop or cut down or who to leave out. Sure takes the joy out of Christmas when you have to think about how to cut back.

-- Belle (gardenbelle@terraworld.net), November 29, 2001.

I was raised in a family that did not give gifts, what we did was have wonderful family get togethers, played games, had dinner, spend just about all night long together and laughed had fun. My husbands family on the other hand, gave gifts to everyone for everything. Mostly things you didn't need, couldn't afford, etc....Most of my Christmas there, the time was spend on opening all those gifts, then time to leave, no fun, just that same old open your gift, and thank the person that got it for you. I started out small speaking with DH, about trying to end the gift thing in his family, and he would mention it to his mother, Then I would tell her how I spend my family Xmas'es. She once said to me that she wished she could make her family have as much fun, loud and merry as my family get togethers were. That's when I popped her with the truth, and said, you spend all your time and energy opening gifts, we don't need, can't afford, clean up wrapping paper, pack all gifts in car to go home. Just start spending TIME with your family. The best gift of all, is memories together. My mother died three years ago of Cancer, her last request was that we all get together again in her home and have a family get together so she could see us enjoy each others company, laugh, get loud and love each other, We did. Best year ever. because we werne't going to do it that year, she was close to death. Happy we did.. One of the last smiles I seen on her face....

-- Barb (vozarbi@sensible-net.com), November 30, 2001.

Buk Buk I know just how you feel but have no simlpe answer.My husbands family goes as far as sending out gift lists! Yep each person writes a list of what they want,how much it costs and what store has it,I refuse to even look at the "lists" and I refuse to make one,they just dint get the whole ideas of Christmas.

They also do a name exchange between brothers and sisters{or couples if married},last year the couple I got wanted china! not one piece the whole place setting,well they got a nice wall hanging my kids and I made.The couple who got us gave us a dinner out and movie tickets,we do not do the evening out thing so I gave it back and told them to enjoy.

I hate the whole gift giving thing ,my daughters cousins go as far as counting how many gifts they get and throwing a fit if they do not get the same amount,by the way they are under 5. We will not be attending this year,maybe they will get the point.I refuse to send more money for one day then I do for 6 months of food bills for my family.

-- renee o'neill (oneillsr@home.com), November 30, 2001.

I am doing the same thing this year. I think that the first year is going to be the hardest. I told my mom and sis I am just going to give a token gifts to the grown ups like homemade cookies homemade candles and then get somthing for the kids. After all christmas is for the kids. My two nieces are getting 50.00 and I don't have to pay a heavy postage on a gift so it saves alot in the long run. My son and his wife are getting a hand quilted quilt I made for them and 100.00 and that is it. My husband and I have never really done gifts for each other. We get things through the year as we need them and he says when ever he wants to get me somthing I always ask for a power tool anyway and then don't really use them till the summer so he just get it in the summer for me. I told my son and his wife that once they start a family I will be doing gifts for the grandbabies and they will get put on the token list to because christmas is for kids. I use to get so in debt for christmas it would take till june to pay it off and that just isn't going to happen anymore. My mom got all excited because she said she just got fax machines for everyone for christmas and I told her well you remember what I said. You can take mine back and save your money and she said she knows and she got a good price on them and wanted to give them so when everyones puter is down she could just fax them. So this year there will be hurt feelings I am sure but next year they will remember don't get Teri anything she dosn't do christmas! So next year will be easier.

-- Teresa (c3ranch@socket.net), November 30, 2001.

This topic came up last month as well.

If there are no small kids involved its easy. Just switch to a card and let it be at that. If there are smaller kids involved then maybe a trinket gift for the kids and card for the adult.

If you dont interact with these people on a regular basis then I dont see any obligation to send them gifts at christmas.

MY wifes family and mine (who live in the same area) have opted not to get gifts for the adults but concentrate on the children. We also have hard limits on spending per child so no one is "overdone" or puts a financial hartship on a family. We have a wide spectrum of financial abilitys and past years some folks went overboard.

-- Gary (gws@columbus.rr.com), November 30, 2001.

This year I have bought gifts only for my 2 boys (a wooden train set and a tricycle - that they are going to have to share). My hubby and I don't exchange presents because if I want something I can just buy it for myself, the same goes for hubby.

I usually buy for the my hubby's side of the family but am discontinuing that as of this year. I am making a donation in their name and sending them a card that explains this (www.heifer.org) Hopefully they will get the message. I hate sending presents to people that I never see or speak to for years at a time. They usually send gifts that are inappropriate or duplicates of what we already have because they have NO idea what is going on in our lives. Also, I am fed up with NEVER receiving a thank you from any of these people. (What happened to the tradition of writing thank you cards - even my 5 year old knows to do this - well with a little prodding)

I don't exchange gifts with my side of the family because postage to another country is expensive and I would rather treat them when I see them. Pay for a condo for us all to go to the beach or something..... For my good friends I rather do the same thing. I treat them throughout the year to things I know they would like and appreciate rather than just buying a gift because it is Christmas. When my friends feel funny about a gift "are you sure you don't want me to pay you for....." I just tell them Merry Christmas even if its July.

-- Anita in NC (aholton@mindspring.com), November 30, 2001.

A good way to break the cycle would be to start by doing what we do: Only give home-made, home-grown or home-baked. When you put your own effort into making the gifts, you're more likely to give them to people who mean something to you. No one we know gives us lists of wanted gifts because we would ignore it anyway. Even when giving a wedding or shower gift, I ignore the "gift registry" and give from my heart and handiwork. We do give books to our 24 year old daughter and her boyfriend because we know they really like and appreciate them. We also give a few store-bought toys to our 4 year old from Santa because it's fun for all of us on Christmas morning! In the past we would give gift certificates for bookstores to nieces and nephews, but I kept feeling bad that they never sent thank you's to us and then realized that I should be giving the gift because I wanted to and that receiving a thank you was not the reason to give. Anyway, if you have time, make your own gifts and see how your gift giving style changes when you do.

-- Rose Marie Wild (wintersongfarm@yahoo.com), November 30, 2001.

I read this little poem somewhere and thought it was a neat idea:

For christmas give children "something they want, something they need, something to play with and something to read..." I wish I had heard this years ago, and I am telling it to everyone I know now!!

-- Melissa (me@home.net), November 30, 2001.

After reading the posts you have made it has become apparent that many of you would like to opt out of the gift syndrome, or at least cut it down drastically.

Many ideas were presented on how to get out of this "gift" exchange.I guess the obvious solution is just so no, I don't wish to participate in this anymore and tell them your reason. If they don't accept your reasoning there is not much you can do about it. If you really want to get out of it you have to stick to your guns, because some folks will make you feel uncomfortable about your choice. We know about this first hand. But in the long run it was worth it to our family.

The idea of just getting together with your family sounds to me like the best option. No gifts, just happiness at being together. To me that is what family is all about, not being forced to get presents for people.

Homemade gifts from the children are nice. I know when the grand kids come to visit they always have to make me a picture or something when they are here. Children just have a natural penchant for giving of themselves and not expecting much in return. Oh if adults were only the same.

It is obviously up to each of us to choose what we propose to do about present exchange. Years ago the idea come to me, what would Jesus and the disciples have done in this circumstance? I know what the answer is and I am sure you do also. That is why we no longer are in the gift trap.

Talk to you later.

-- Bob in WI (bjwick@hotmail.com), November 30, 2001.

I have told my sons family that we are simpliying this year. That we do not need STUFF! and to spend what ever money they were going to spend on gifts for themselves, the house or to those who do not have. We will get together for a simply dinner on Christmas.

Our holidays used to be simple, but when my son married, he married into a family that "needs stuff". My grand children have every toy and game possible, bought from the other side not from us.

My oldest, 39, wanted some French canning jars so I bought some and have dehydrated fruits and veg. to put in them. Also will fill one with homemade granola.

For my son, I am making a favorite Armenian dish.

I know my grandchildren will be disappointed that they are only getting one gift from us, and an educational one at that.

My youngest is also getting only 1 gift and my husband and I have not exchanged gifts in over 35 years. We prefer to give to the children, etc.

Having to buy for people is not in the spirit of giving and I think we have all been there and felt the same at some time or another. I am tired of it and am just going to stop. Simple!

What my daughter-in-law and grand children will think I do not know, (yes I do but I will keep my mouth shut)but that is the way it is going to be from now on.

Everyone have a peaceful holiday season.

-- Cordy (ckaylegian@aol.com), November 30, 2001.

We put a stop to holiday foolishness several years ago by just telling family members that we just weren't going to get caught up in crass conspicuous consumption, period. Everyone one was told well ahead of time. Of course, there were some hard feelings the first year, but everyone is still talking to us!! Many friends complain about the season, and other aspects of their lives, but don't have any backbone to control their OWN lives. It's horrible to go through such a festive time of year doing what one REALLY doesn't want to do. I enjoy the holidays so much more now. Of course, we always make cookies!

-- Sandy Davis (smd2@netzero.net), November 30, 2001.

I am sooooo glad to hear that other couples don't give each other gifts at Christmas (and maybe other occasions, I don't know). My DH and I have never felt trapped into that. I would much rather receive something unexpectedly and be totally surprised that I would expect something at Christmas or birthday, etc....

My kids aren't going for my way of thinking about Christmas gifts, but again I would much rather surprise them with gifts throughout the year than have them expecting that I have to get them something at Christmas.

Whatever reason y'all have for not giving--I hope it will all work for you.

-- Dena (ddew1962@earthlink.net), November 30, 2001.

Throw a holiday get-together of friends and family. Send a note that says, "Rather than buy presents, this year we're putting the money into a party to show all of you how much we appreciate you in our lives." The people that care will show up, those who don't won't, and you'll have a great, memorable day. Getting together with loved ones and spending time, to me, is much more important.

-- Michael Nuckols (nuckolsm@wildak.net), November 30, 2001.

Wow! So many people are/have been faced with the same delimma. I had no idea this post would prompt so many responses and am very gratful for all the suggestions and shared experiences you all have posted.

I've gotten many ideas i need to mull over....like making a donation in their name....ignoring the lists they send (yes we do lists, too) and rather giving baked goods...so many more ideas!

It's got to stop, this giving that's become so rehearsed and mundane. Spontaneous gifts would carry so much more meaning. Thank you all for sharing.

-- Buk Buk (bukabuk@hotmail.com), November 30, 2001.

I find that it is the oldest member in the family who makes the big deal about Christmas and giving gifts. For years my partner and I spent the holiday alone and only getting a couple of things for each other (mostly clothes to replace those worn out through the year). Since moving closer to family we find that the oldest member insist that not only do you go to her house for Christmas but that you go on the day she decides to have Christmas and you bring gifts for the names that she picks out of a bowl for you. I HATE ALL OF HER TRADITIONS! sorry :-) She has finally changed either the day or the hours so that some people are not leaving her house at 11 p.m. to drive 2-4 hours home so that they can get a couple hours of sleep before being to work the next day. What she doesn't understand is that she is retired and wealthy and has nothing to worry about other than how long she'll live. I hate that we all have to sit around a tree with so many gifts that all you can see is the top 1/4 of the tree. I hate that it is embarrassing to have to sit and wait for gifts that you already have enough of. I hate that everyone gets itchy to get going but she pouts if you have to get home. In other words i just want a Christmas where I am free to enjoy the day doing what I want to do not what someone else wants me to do. I really dislike the gift giving between adults it all seems so phoney. Sorry for being a scrooge.

-- george (bngcrview@aol.com), November 30, 2001.

Thus far I've been fortunate enough to avoid the extended gift- giving. My list is short; my Mom, my son, my daughter and now, her husband. I have one close friend with whom I exchange a gift but it's very inexpensive each way, usually under $10 and never over $20.

I like Iris' idea about just sending notes out explaining your 'opt out.' I also like the idea of home baked goodies (I love toll house cookies and will gladly provide my address to anyone who wants to send some... lol). Mike Nuckols' idea about the party seems neat, too.

I don't think I read this in any of the replies so I'll throw it out there. Have you ever considered proposing a "Secret Santa" deal? It's popular at company Christmas gatherings and would work equally well in families.

For those not familiar with it, everyone's name goes into a hat and everyone draws one name and it is for that person that they shop and give a gift. Everyone gives A gift, everyone gets A gift. There's usually a pre-determined upper price limit, too.

It's actually fun to see who shops for what for whom and it also can be kind of a contest as to who can get the best deal in their shopping and still remain within the price limit.

Good luck with your Christmas season this year. I hope this helps.

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), November 30, 2001.

The recipient of the most gifts in my family is our 13 year old Springer Spaniel. She absolutely loves parties and presents!!! We have not celebrated a traditional Christmas in about 20 years. That does not mean that we do not have a holiday. We give gifts, but they are things that we make, inexpensive items ( I want a new can opener this year, NOT an electric one.) and we do things for each other. A gift of yourself is a wonderful gift. Do something for someone as a gift, whatever it is that you can do, give someone a day out, yard work, housework, cook meals, a massage, breakfast in bed, babysitting, farm chores, shopping, ironing... there are so many things that we can do that are gifts of ourselves and when we give them with love and intent the gift is beautiful. A card with your thoughts and an explanation of your gift will help people understand...a few cookies help, too. Happy Holidays.

-- nancy (stoneground@Catskill.net), December 01, 2001.

I am in the same delimma. My mother-in-law finds the energy and time to have Christmas with her daughter and family but the next day when we celebrate Christmas, she suddenly becomes too ill or tired. This has happened 2 years in a row. Last year, I vowed that it would be the last Christmas I would exchange gifts. Time has dulled the husband's memory and I can't seem to convince him that it would be a huge burden lifted from all of us. I suppose my biggest gripe is how I'm being told that this is the time that I HAVE to purchase something for folks I don't care about and whether or not I want to. I love the idea of just not being home and even better the idea of spontaneous gift giving throughout the year.

-- mzkatbalu (rip1602@hpnc.com), December 01, 2001.

Being in a second marriage, brings about different Christmas traditions. My husband does not give presents to his brothers, parents or niece and nephew. He also told his grown children, 21 and 19, not to worry about gifts this year. He does respect my tradition of giving a book to each family member (ie. adult children). We will give one toy to my children, 11 and 8. The children have had no problem with just one toy (of course they still get a book!).

-- Michele (michlelel_m@hotmail.com), December 03, 2001.