Thought I'd liven the place up.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place > On > December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked > eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing > along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus > to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be > done > at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. > > Merry Christmas to you and your family. > Patty Lewis > Human Resources Director > > > December 2nd > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. > We > recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with > Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're > calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who > are > celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There > will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. > > Happy Holidays to you and your family. > Patty Lewis > Human Resources Director > > December 3rd > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics > Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this > request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA > Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts > exchange--no gifts will be allowed since the union members > feel that $10 is too much money. > > Patty Lewis > Human Researchers Director > > December 7th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the > dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are > allowed > to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; > each > will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay > men's table. Happy now? > > Patty Lewis > Human Racehorses Director > > December 9th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play > Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," > there > is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." > > Patty Lewis Human Resources > > December 10th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > Vegetarians --I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party > at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the > table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get > salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you > know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. > I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... > > Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear > me? > > The Bitch from Hell > > December 14th > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES > > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery > from > her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at > the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our > Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full > pay. > > Happy Holidays! > Terri Bishop > Acting Human Resources Director > > > Have a nice end of the year 2001 (according to the Gregorian Calendar) > > Bob Brinton > Regional Human Resources Manager > 662-566-5210 > Fax: 662-566-5279 >

-- Angel Barbarian of Adirondacks Immaculate (christmas_barbarian@happy.com), December 12, 2001

Answers

GREAT JOB FINDING THIS!!!!! *sigh* yet another casualty in the era of "political correctness"...

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), December 12, 2001.

I like the "grill of death' part. that was funny. And the part about driving drunk. Hee hee.

-- Tamara (Twilborn@earthlink.net), December 13, 2001.

I'll sit closest to the grill. Can I have mine rare? And when I say rare, I mean just let the animal look at the grill in fear, then send it over.

-- J. Mac (mac_xavier@yahoo.com), December 13, 2001.

That was funny! I would be close to that grill, too. I like my steak rare sometimes. When you cut it, the blood flows. Tasty!

-- Tator (you@cant.resist), December 14, 2001.

*Runs to the bathroom and kneels in front of the porcelain god*

-- Tamara (Twilborn@earthlink.net), December 14, 2001.