With the holidays upon us, 'tis the season for unwelcome questions from friends and family (like "When are you getting married?" in my case). What are you really not looking forward to discussing over the next few weeks?

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

Answers

Oh, definitely: "When are you getting married?"

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

The location of my future Manhattan apartment. My roommate's lease runs out in April, and she plans to move in with her boyfriend, so in theory I'll have to look for a new place.

And my parents. Are OBSESSED. With the possibilities. It's like when my brother and I were applying to colleges, only better because you get to play again every year (will she move up to Manhattan? will she stay in Brooklyn? will she get a studio? etc.).

Made even more complicated by the fact that I'm hoping to be deciding on a place in Atlanta, not New York, by that time, but don't want to have my parents trying to talk me out of moving for six months.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

My mom always says "Tell me something exciting." And I hate to disappoint her, but there's really nothing exciting to tell. And then she gets huggy because I "don't tell [her] anything," and suddenly I'm ungrateful.

Yeah, that's usually how it works.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

ever since elementary school, my mom has always said "tell me something exciting" the second i set foot on the threshold. every single time we've gotten into an argument because there's nothing exciting to talk about. i think she's under the impression that my life is filled with adventure. she's mistaken.

so i'm not looking forward to that, although it's expected by now. i'm not looking forward to "how's work? how's that boss of yours?" and "well, you look... good... have you been getting enough sleep lately?" and "so are you still friends with that boy? is he... you know, your boyfriend?"

ugh.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

Huggy? I meant huffy. I'm illiterate.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

"So, Sara, how's the job search going?"

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

"When are you going to start going to church again?" takes a close second to, "When are y'all going to have a baby?"

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

You want to know what's driving me NUTS about by mother lately? My husband and I want to find out the sex of our baby as soon as possible. My MOTHER (grrrr) is STAUNCHLY, STAUNCHLY against this. I have a cousin with kids aged 4 and 2, and unfortunately for me, she was big on the surprise factor and didn't want to know. So when I am trying to have a holiday conversation with my cousin, my mom is constantly haranguing me about how I CAN'T find out, it will ruin EVERYTHING, my cousin MUST convince me that the angels will weep if I know it's a boy or a girl before it's born. My cousin was kind of like, "Well, it's up to them" so my mom abandoned that tactic and now INSISTS that when I find out, I can't tell her. She has already devised secret code words to use instead of "he" or "she" lest her entire life come crashing down around her JUST BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THE SEX OF HER GRANDCHILD TWO MONTHS EARLY. I finally said, "You're going to have to respect our decisions on this and everything else and JUST DEAL WITH IT, MOTHER." I'm sure I'll have to change the subject MANY times this holiday season by saying that. It is so inconsequential, and she is so irrationally dead set against it. Drives me nuts.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

Julie, why are you stealing my life?

"You know, AB, God doesn't like it when you miss Mass. Also, God doesn't like it when you don't have more babies. God called the other day, and told me that you should have another baby right NOW. And then go to Mass."

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

AB...I think you should simply say that that is a terrific idea and you will be heading to Mass as soon as humanly possible and will begin trying to conceive that baby while attending said Mass so as not to waste any more time.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

My sister, the other day. "So, Hannah, what are you going to do when you get out of grad school and no one wants to buy anything you write?"

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

Hannah Beth, I think our moms were separated at birth. She asks me the same damn thing every time I talk to her, and I'm all, "uh, well, I went to class, and I'm reading a lot of books, and [Mr. Boy] & I learned how to make meringues!" And I realize that my life feels fun to me while I'm living it, but when my Mom wants it to be like a hilarious, pratfall-ridden sitcom, it just sounds boring. Which goes a long way towards explaining why I haven't updated in forever.

And also, AB makes me snarf my throat tea.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

It must be the Louisiana thing, AB, I don't know.

I can remember when the most annoying thing my mom said to me was that she didn't like my hair. Now, my hair doesn't even register on the scale of dislike.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

"So! When is the wedding?"

"Uh, we aren't having a wedding. We are planning to elope, remember?"

"WHAT? You mean I'm NOT INVITED to see you married?"

"See, we're going to elope so that it will be only the two of us. It is very important to us both that we be able to concentrate solely on one another when we get married. I've explained this to you 4 times now."

"I am just so hurt that you wouldn't invite me to your wedding! I just want you to know how much that hurts me. You are so important to me and I care about you so much, I would just like to be at your wedding. *sniff sniff*"

"There is no wedding to attend. No wedding."

"You've been living together now for what...2 years? Why don't you just get married at (insert name of location here) and I'll fly out/ drive over to see the marriage! Wouldn't that be lovely?"

"I think I hear my blood pressure rising. Would you excuse me?"

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

Add me to the "church, baby" question brigade.

Although I have managed to kill most of the baby questions by implying trouble conceiving.

"(blather about sister-in-law's pregnancy) Won't it be fun when you are going through all this too?"

"Mmm, yeah. . . "

"And when would that be?"

"You know, Mom, I wish I knew. It's not like I don't want a baby. I want a baby more than anything. . . (heavy sigh) Can we change the subject please?"

She hasn't asked since. And since I do want babies, I just don't, you know, want to get pregnant THIS SECOND, thereby making me insane in my mother's eyes, I'm not lying.

The church thing I just refuse to discuss at all.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

I get the "do you have a boyfriend" question which would be the "when are you getting married question" if I was seeing someone.

To cheer you guys up, someone sent me this email forward as responses to that very question.

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I have a feeling this Christmas is going to be "why don't you have a job?"

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

"How is school going? WHAT? You aren't going to school? Why are you throwing away your ENTIRE FUTURE to make $24 an hour for 6 months?"

I am not throwing away my future, I am postponing it for the ability to go to school and not eat ramen and the neighbors leftovers, mmkay?

I KNOW I am going to hear that every day for two weeks. I hear it every time I see my mother anyway.

I think I am just going to tell them that I am saving up so I can move to Australia and be away from all of them for a while.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

I'm not seeing my family this year. I'm seeing them in January, good enough. One of them might ask "When are you going to have another baby." The answer is "I'm not, I'm forty and I'm too old."

My husbands family never asks me anything, which I view as a blessing.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

I am so going to use that Miss America line...

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001

"When are you going to become an American citizen already?" Like my personal choice has anything to do with it - as if the government just hands out citizenship at the border with its lovely holiday photo calendars, and I am ungratefully saying no thank you.

-- Anonymous, December 19, 2001