Eight months ago my 43 year old husband suffered a massive stroke. He now resides in a 24 hour skilled nursing facility. We have two children, 5 and 11. Coping with getting back to work, heating(wood), car maintanence, etc. sometimes seems overwhelming. Seem to be managing pretty well. The children are my greatest teachers....! I'm definately grieving, but not able to cry. Any words of wisdom will be appreciated.

Terran in VT.

-- Terran Sadowski (homefire@sover.net), January 24, 2002

Answers

The good news is that you are never given a problem that is too big for you to handle. The Source of all is testing you, pass the test.

-- mitch hearn (moopups@citlink.net), January 24, 2002.

Hi Terran

Do you have a local support group, and brothers or uncles/grandpas to spend time with the boy(s)? You sound like you are coping well.

If you want to cry, maybe soaking your eyes with warm, moist cloths would help. Could be tear duct not working.

Are you asking about healing for your husband? I can ask my Father to Bless him.

I am afraid to be deleted if I say God Bless you here, unless you sneeze. You did sneeze didn't you.

Be Strong. Marvel at those kids!

-- Rick (WV) (Rick_122@hotmail.com), January 24, 2002.

Terran, First, all our prayers are with you. You are an incredibly strong lady to have made it successfully through these eight months. You are a wonderful example of love and strength to your children as well.

Coping is simply doing what needs to be done today and figuring it will make sense some time. My husband's kidneys failed when our kids were in elementary school, just as I was finishing up a teaching degree in college. We got the news on my fourth day of student teaching, my last semester. Then, a rare ice storm hit, and we couldn't get to Houston for dialysis.

Looking back... I have learned so much. The timing of all of it makes sense now, in retrospect. Each day is for us to survive as gracefully as possible. The things you worry about don't happen, and the things that happen you often don't see coming.... so.... just live NOW.

Teach the kids to cook and do laundry and to support you and each other. Help them continue to love Dad in little ways and big ways, even though he won't be at their dance recitals and baseball games. Guide them to understand that their family is the most important thing in the world, even when it seems to be coming apart at the seams.

Love is all there is.

-- Rose in Texas (open_rose@hotmail.com), January 24, 2002.

There are all sorts of grief programs out there, hopefully one in your area. Don't feel that you have to hide your emotions in fron of your children, sometimes it is better to share these emotions with them.

-- BC (desertdweller44@yahoo.com), January 24, 2002.

Terran, Don't worry too much about not crying, you will when you are ready. I have also faced terrible circumstances totally beyond my control. That is so heartbreaking, not being to "fix it" and feeling out of control and powerless etc. My heart goes to you and yours. May God continue to grant you the Grace to get through each day. If you have the strength to reach out (like talking to this forum) then you are LOTS stronger than your think you are! It's important to talk to someone. But not just anyone. Choose a trusted friend, minister, doctor or counselor. Call your county mental health department tomorrow. You won't have to pay if you can't afford it! Just because you go to counselling doesn't mean you are weak...just the opposite. It takes a lot of courage to begin and go and follow thru. You won't be sorry you "let it all out". You, your husband and the kids are in my prayers now. Whew, sorry I preached. If you have questions, please email me. Rest and take care of yourself too.

-- Susan in Northern Michigan (cobwoman@yahoo.com), January 24, 2002.

Dear Terran,

6 1/2 years ago my older sister died unexpectedly, leaving behind 2 small boys (ages 3 1/2 and 7 at the time). Her husband was utterly incapable of caring for even himself, let alone 2 small boys, so I wound up caring for the kids for 4 1/2 years. I quit my job so that I could stay home with them (my sister had been a stay-at-home mom; and the circumstances surrounding her death had left both kids very traumatized, and I felt that needed as stable an environment as possible at the time). I am single with no kids of my own, so this was a major lifestyle change for all of us. I guess that I was in shock for a long time, plus having the kids took a lot of time and energy and did not leave me much time to dwell on my situation. Many, many times people would tell me how "strong" I was, for doing all that I was doing- well, that was a load of bunk- I did not feel as if I were being strong at all- I simply had no choice other than to do what needed to be done at the time. The kids were great, and I loved having them- actually, it was more difficult to give them back when their father remarried last year than it was to take them on in the first place. I am extremely independent, and was never in the habit of accepting help from anyone, but after my sister's death so many people offered help- with the kids, with carpooling, with offers of clothing, tickets to the theme parks, etc., that I found the sheer amount of kindness almost overwhelming. My inclination was to refuse all offers, and "handle" things myself, but I realized that the people offering help were generally either friends of mine, my sister's, or our family, and that people's way of expressing their love for my sister, particularly, and for the rest of us as well, was to offer to help, and that by refusing their help I was denying them the opportunity to do something that would make them feel better. So, I started to accept their offers, and even though I did not always "need" the help, it was such an incredible comfort to know that so many people cared so much for all of us, and that in itself was as helpful as anything else that they did. So, if people in your community, church, or at work offer their help, take them up on it. Let them make a contribution that will not only help you and your kids, but will also make the giver feel good too. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by all of the chores that need doing, slow down and re-focus on getting one thing done at a time. At 11, your oldest child should be able to pitch in quite a bit around the house, and the homestead if you have animals, etc that need looking after. The 5 year old can be in charge of cleaning his/her own room, making the bed, and can help in the kitchen as well, with some supervision. Let them help as much as they can without making it a burden to them- they will enjoy the feeling that they are contributing to the family. By all means make sure that you take some time out to just enjoy your kids. Don't let your worry and stress overshadow the joy that they bring into your life. In my house the 3 1/2 year old was put in charge of setting the table, and every evening we would have fresh flowers on the table and we always lit candles during dinner. (The candles were a real luxury, because I was never sure how long my savings would last and feared we might all wind up on food stamps one day. But, it became a ritual which was very important to the kids, so we kept it up. To this day when the boys come to stay overnight or for a weekend, Matthew still insists on flowers and candles, lol). We made an adventure of life, and celebrated every occassion, no matter how trivial. And, though I am not at all religious, I instituted the practice of giving thanks at meals, so that we would all remember that even though we had suffered an unimaginable loss, we still had so many things to be thankful for. You may well still be in shock yourself, after only 8 months, and it might be awhile before you cry. Don't worry, everyone grieves in their own way, and obviously you are occupied with caring for yourself and the kids right now. If you don't already, you might consider taking a night off for yourself every week or two- send the kids to a friend or relative's for a night, or at least an evening, and spend some time alone. Pamper yourself with a long soak in a hot tub, read a book, treat yourself to a day at the salon if you are so inclined :>) or the spa, or just indulge yourself with a favorite meal or dessert. or go shopping, or visit an adult friend. Whatever. Just remember, that in the big picture you MUST take care of yourself if you want to be able to continue looking after everyone else. I'll relate one more incident, then I'll quit with the advice :>)

This year, just before Christmas, the brother of a friend of mine was killed in an accident. I did not make it to the funeral, and the next time I saw my friend and her husband was at a Christmas party. The minute I saw them, I burst into tears. They are the nicest people in the world, and it broke my heart to think of them suffering such a loss. I was surprised that THEY were so composed, and said so. In reply my friend told me that she and many of my other friends had been stunned when, 6 1/2 years ago I (apparently) calmy announced the news of my own sister's death. I thought about that, and realized that at the time I had truly been in shock, and did not cry for a long time afterward. Don't be too distressed by your lack of tears at the moment. There will come a time when you will be able to let go and have a good cry, and afterwards you will feel better for it.

Sorry for this long reply, but my heart goes out to you, your kids, and your husband, and while I realize how overwhelming this might all seem to you now, I can promise, with the assurance of having been in a similar situation, that things will get better, and you and the kids will not only survive, but will thrive. Best wishes to all of you, and please let us know how you are all getting along.

-- Elizabeth (ekfla@aol.com), January 25, 2002.

Terran, you will certainly be in my thoughts. That is a lot to deal with for anyone, especially at such a young age and with young children. All I know is to get up each day and do the best you can. I hope you have family who are able to be supportive. There are many people here who can offer help and support also. I read somewhere that the best thing to do is "to do the next thing" and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will be in my prayers.

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), January 25, 2002.

amen, get in the Word, for by Jesus's stripes we were healed. do not give up. God loves you and wants your husband healed.

-- js (schlicker54@aol.com), January 25, 2002.

My husbands father passed away suddenly at the age of 53. I saw his wife go through some of the worst times emotionally anyone can go through, often we wondered if she would make it through (literally). We kept her talking and doing even when she didn't want to. it has always been my greatest fear since then, being that attatched emotionally as well as, like you mentioned, the teamwork, bringing in wood, repairs, etc. And the kids...

Keep looking for support! Don't think yourself weak if you need to ask for help or just a group or person to talk to. You can't keep it all to yourself and just "make do", you will shrivel up and die inside and that is unacceptable!!! When you say you can't cry do mean you are unable? It isn't in you now? Maybe you are in a place where you need to get angry right now, or search out answers. Or are you saying you can't because you have to be strong for the kids? Bull, you are a human and they know that, humans cry, they hurt, kids understand that. Or maybe you think you have to much to do to "take time for that". Wrong! Whether you need to cry, or shout, or stomp your feet or ask questions you need/have to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING! People need to vent before they can put the peices back together successfully.

My heart goes out to you. Good Luck....

-- Novina in ND (homespun@stellarnet.com), January 25, 2002.

Terran, I have never been in your shoes, but when I was 10 years old, my 42 year old father died of a heart attack. There was no warning, he was just gone. The whole family was in shock for a long time, and grief didn't necessarily show itself in tears, but rather in the way we acted. I reverted to bed-wetting, which I've been told was my way of wanting to go back to the time when my Father was still alive. I was just going into puberty and no longer had a male role model, and I have to tell you that it's just as important for girls to have male role models as boys. My Mother didn't cry a lot, but we knew she was grieving as much as we were. I have a brother who is 2 years younger than I am and a sister who's 2 years older, so Mom had her hands full.

Now, do you want to hear the good news? We all got over it. I love my Father and oddly his having passed away when I was young strengthened my relationship with God. Both of my Fathers were in the same place, so praying came easier. We went through some tough times, but we all grew into wonderful people. My Mom chose to stay single, and for her that has been a good decision but it isn't for everyone. All three of us children have children of our own and are all in stable happy marriages. Our families are all very close. Life is good.

-- Sheryl in Me (radams@sacoriver.net), January 25, 2002.

I hope that you can find some ladies who have successfully gone through something similar to be a touchstone, to be an example to you. I think of the newscaster Katie Couric who has said that the only reason she kept going was she felt she had to show her children how to get over difficult times--because life deals us difficult times. You may want to check out the country families forum here on lusenet (click on LUSENET on the top and look for Country families) for more support and ears when you feel down. My prayers are with you.

-- Ann Markson (tngreenacres@hotmail.com), January 25, 2002.

I agree with js.

-- Sharon (spangenberg@hovac.com), January 25, 2002.

Thank you every one for your thoughtful responses and good practical advice. Certainly having the boys help more around the house right now would help me immensely. I've done most of it myself, rationalizing they were going through enough without adding help around the house to it. My family live in Texas, we have been in VT for two years and it feels like home. No rattlesnakes or scorpions, yahoo! I always knew Vince did much, after his stroke I realized the scope. Coming home from the hospital the day after his stroke, I stopped for gas and realized he had done this for twelve years. Yup ladies, I wasn't sure I knew how! That was the beginning of finding out how much I could do. As a father my words cannot do him justice, he changed just as many diapers as I did, comforted our babies just as tenderly. He listened to them, talked to them and spent time with them. He showed me just what the word father meant. An hour before the stroke he called me. "Terran, I just called to say I love you and we're not going let those goats get between us!" We had just gotten two goats and we must have spent three days trying to contain them, chase them down and generally figure out what we were doing. Those last words have given me much comfort. I thank God I told him I loved him too in that conversation. Again, it has helped to be able to talk about this. When I do brave things, my son Cade says, "Mom, that's what Dad would have done." It makes me feel proud.

Terran in VT

-- Terran Sadowski (homefire@sover.net), January 25, 2002.

Terran, You had at least 12 years with a man I would give my eye teeth for. Let us know how it's going. Thanks,

-- Susan in Northern Michigan (cobwoman@yahoo.com), January 25, 2002.