I need some advice on 10 year old boys! I'm 47 and have no experience with kids. The 10 year old in question is my brother-in-law's boy and the home situation is not good; both parents spend all their spare time in the bar and the older girls (14 and 16) have already left home (one lives with her boyfriend and the other with the family she babysits for). Poor Devin is very lonely in the evenings while Ma and Pa are out getting drunk (he isn't physically abused). His other auntie has been taking him some weekends and my husband and I thought we should have him here on the farm sometimes too. But we don't know what a 10 year old can do! We have sheep, chickens, geese and pigs (this spring) and a large veggie garden and lots of grass to mow. Can a 10 year old run a lawnmower? a riding mower? I'm not keen on having to provide entertainment and want to be able to continue my usual work. Any advice would be appreciated.

-- Kathy in BC (homefarmbc@pacificcoast.net), February 02, 2002

Answers

Ten year old boys excel at playing and getting in trouble. Let him do both. You want to help the boy grow into a normal adult, not make him a slave. He will learn from his problems with a little guidance from you and your husband. Don't worry about keeping him busy he will find plenty to do.

-- Joe (CactusJoe001@AOL.com), February 02, 2002.

If you don't want to get CPS involved (I would, but that's me) and get him into kinship foster care (where you actually would get paid a little to help offset some expenses), maybe you could try to work out something with the parents. If they don't want to play ball, get the boy out of there somehow, and if you have to call CPS do it.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), February 02, 2002.

Yes most 10 year old boys can learn to use a ride on mower. Most love it (at least at the start) Most are not that good at working on their own but are great assistants. If he is starved for good attention then working with you would probably be best. But feeding chickens and other small animals is well within range. And weeding is good but remember he probably has no idea which ones are weeds and which ones are veggies. Most boys eventhough they would not admit it in front of class mates, love to cook. Remember to make sure he knows the hazards of being on a farm. What is second nature to you, will kill him. Good luck with your worth while cause. Ann

-- Ann (amulet@istar.ca), February 02, 2002.

Kathy,

IMO, your best bet and the safest route would be just to let him hang out with you for a few days. Have him help with all your chores. You should be able to judge his abilities and interests pretty quickly. You don't say if you have children, sounds like not. Just remember to give him lots of time to play and don't panic over a little mud or blood. With a ten year old you are likely to have plenty of both.

Lay down the rules. Simple is best. Be consistent. Give him lots of love (and a fishing pole).

-- Mona in OK (modoc@ipa.net), February 02, 2002.

I suspect he spends a lot of time at home watching TV. You might unplug yours on visits, saying it is broken or something, so he learns he can live without one.

If he isn't a reader, try to interest him in it. Say he helps you feed the chickens and keeps asking questions. If you have a how-to book on chickens, give it to him to read and discuss. Same for other critters.

You also might pay him for doing some chores so he learns the correlation between work and financial gain. Encourage savings so he can buy something he wants, such as his own fishing gear.

Are there any other boys his general age in the neighbor you can introduce him to?

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), February 02, 2002.

I think that bringing him to your farm would be very good for the boy. I also think it might be harder for you and your husband than you think if his home life is as bad as you say. A child in a home life like that is not going to act like a "typical kid". He may be easier to deal with than most, but he will most likely be harder to deal with than most kids. Without his parents around as good role models he probably is just doing his best to get by with what he has seen other people do. If what he has seen has been poor role modeling then his behavior will reflect that.

You are in a unique situation and in a position to help if you are up to it. At 10 he is capable of quite a lot, but may not want to do much in the way of chores, and therefor may refuse to help. If he gives you trouble, I would advise not to fight with him but to try to work with him instead. Ask him what he is interested in, and then help show him how to do things that will help you and that are interesting to him. At the same time, set down some very basic, realistic rules from the very beginning and stick to them. This will help you and him. If you give him too much freedom he may not know how you expect him to behave, and the results may not be something you want. Let him know how you expect to be treated and how you treat people at your house, let him know what behaviors you find unacceptable and let him know if he does anything you don't accept. You don't neccesarily have to "punish" him, but rather explain your position.

This may not be the type of answer you were looking for but it is what came to mind when I saw your post. Kids need good guidance and role modeling. The country is good for people, especially kids. But sometimes when a situation involves someone elses child and a disruption to your life, things don't turn out how you expect. I would also talk with the other "auntie" to get her point of view. If she is spending time with the boy, she can probably give you an idea of how he might behave at your place.

I think you and your husband are very giving people to consider helping this young person. He will benefit from having loving people in his life and learning the values life teaches on a farm. Good luck to you and your family, and God help that boy and his family!

-- Jennifer Hammerberg (jhammer@systime.com), February 02, 2002.

nothing can help a kid more then to have some one there to talk to, and who cares.Give him a animal as his to take care of. All children want is some one to listen to them, and in this childs case he probably has know one to tell how his day went, who he likes ect. Its a sad situation, and with out some one around to help this child its just a matter of time tell this kid gets into trouble.Being there for him can do a world of good for everybody. Some one should send his parents some info on AA.

-- kathy h (ckhart55@earthlink.net), February 02, 2002.

My DH and I do foster care for kids with mental health issues. Their issues are usually a result of abuse and neglect like this child is suffering is abuse. As Jennifer said, this child will probably not act "normally" and will probably need a lot of guidance in order to function in your home. You should have him come and visit with you (we have several visits before we accept a child) so that you can observe his behavior and so that he can get used to how your family operates. Be sure he understands what your "house rules" are and what you expect of him. He has not had good role models and has probably had very few limits. What he probably needs most is just someone to spend time with him and show him some attention.

Do you know anything about Social Services for your area? Are they thought highly of or avoided at all costs? If they have a good reputation, I would approach them for help. They will work with you to get this child into a better environment and if it is in your home, you should be paid a bit for his housing, food, etc (don't expect much). They would also be able to offer you support and advice on how to deal with this particular child.

Bless you for trying to help this child. I can give you more details of things you might encounter with this child but would prefer to do so privately. Email me if I can help further!

-- Cindy in NY (cjpopeck@worldnet.att.net), February 02, 2002.

Physical abuse is not the only type of abuse, he "is" being neglected and that "is" abuse in itself. 10 is to young to be left alone by yourself for most kids this age in today's time. These children are left alone and will look for someone's attention, if not shown attention by a well meaning person, drug dealers, pedophiles, and any other deviats will prey on him! Listen to him, more than anything and talk to him.

-- Carol in Tx (Carol_in_Tx2001@yahoo.com), February 02, 2002.

My 10 year old loves to raise chickens and it gives him a great feeling of accomplishment. He sells the eggs and also belongs to a 4H group. But like many of the others have said, a listening ear and your time are the greatest gift. Make your home a haven for him so he can feel stability.

-- susan banks (susan.banks@sait.ab.ca), February 02, 2002.

I am betting a big long lasting hug would do wonders for him.

I personally would be calling children services for not only the boy but also the girs. This is not acceptable actions by the parents or kids.

-- Gary (gws@columbus.rr.com), February 02, 2002.

Kathy,I'm 50,and have lived on both sides of that coin. Having done so I hope this helps. When I was 10 I spent part of the summer at home and 2-wks. with one Aunt, then 2-wks. with another. While at home I mowed our grass with a push mower, that was all we had , and worked at my brothers service station. That was back in days when all stations were full-service.I did oil changes, lube jobs, fixed flats, and minor repairs I had been taught.I hated it because my brother treated me like crap.But we needed the money cause that bought my school cloths.Then for vacation I would go spend 2-wks at Aunt Lenior's house.They owned an egg farm,and would work you like a dog while thier kids[who were older]sat on the porch,or worse,would taunt you.She would not pay you a penny,and would always tell our Mother that we had blown all the money they gave us.None of us ever liked her,or got over the way she treated us. Then I would go spend 2-wks at Aunt Rubys.She raised cattle,pigs,and goats.She also owned a general store,cafe,and rented rooms out over them to the railroad.My uncle was never in good health due to an accident he was in.So I always had plenty to do while I was there. But she never lost her temper when I screwed-up,which I did my share of.She always thanked me for my help,remembered I was a kid and needed some goofing off time,and either paid,or rewarded me in some way.It didn't have to be much,or anything big.Maybe a movie,or fixing something for supper that I wanted.But she always made sure I knew she appreciated what I did for her,like my mother did.That made all the differance in the world to me.I would go spend any time I could at Aunt Rubys,and work my heart out for her. So you see,it's all in how you want to approach it.A 10 year old can do what ever you teach him, if you only take time to show him, give him a reason to be proud of his work,and don't forget he's 10.I wish you all the encouragement,good luck,and blessings in the world in this,and maybe you can influance a young man that will always love and respect you for your effort.

Sincerly, Tim

-- Tim Allen (www.goathillfarm50@aol.com), February 02, 2002.

I remember being ten. That was about the summer I helped my dad most every day on the farm. It was frustrating, it still is frustrating to work with dad. But nothing tells an adolescent boy that he is on his way to being an adult like tagging along with one. By the time I was 13 I was driving the combine, and at 14 I was doing it all day, every day. That was the summer that I "...became a man and put childish ways behind me." The reason I mention this is that a lot of young boys don't have anything to look to to tell them what a man is or does. They don't know how to proceed into adolescence, they don't know what is happening to them, or what they will be when they come out of it. It does wonders for a boy's self esteem, good sence and independance to feel like he is becomming a good man. It is something our culture doesn't do very well now that we don't live on farms.

If you are willing to make the committment to do this for several years, and be a big part of his life, it may be the thing that saves this kid from becomming like his parents. Ten is a turning point age. Good luck.

-- James in ID (jlfinkbeiner@yahoo.com), February 02, 2002.

I think Tim had some very good words.

A ten year old is capable of most any chore that doesn't require great physical strength or a lot of reasoning skills (though sometimes they'll surprise you there). Mowing the lawn, feeding the chickens, gathering eggs, watering and all that are perfectly in his capabilities.

Most importantly I think you can probably lead him to do most anything you'd like him to do with patience but you'll succeed best when he can do these things *with* you or your husband. More than anything it sounds as though this child lacks real companionship in his life and I'd be willing to bet cash money this has affected his feelings of self-worth. Spend some real time with him, give him meaningful tasks to do and make him know that when he does them well he's contributing something meaningful to your household.

A little self-respect can do wonders for a ten year old boy.

........Alan.

-- Alan (athagan@atlantic.net), February 02, 2002.

I don't have boys that old, but my oldest girl is six and she helps a lot on my little farm. She drives the riding mower and can feed all the animals. She just learned how to read so she loves showing that off. The big thing is make things fun for him and show him some positive attention. Try not to get upset at him because he will make a lot of mistakes at first, but I am a firm believer that a farm teaches great life lessons. Good Luck! God Bless your great cause.

-- Joel Combs (jwcinpk@yahoo.com), February 02, 2002.

Definitely get him out of that situation somehow. If you take him in please show a lot of love. It is something that he probably has not experienced yet and will need a lot of it. As far as work goes, he can handle some of it, it would make him feel useful. Just don't make a slave out of him. Reward him for the chores he does. Teach him to make decisions of his own, such as what chickens need culling, what veggies need picking, when the grass needs mowing. I was only eight years old when I started mowing with a push mower. We had a huge yard, but it was not my responsability to mow the whole thing, just part of it. You may do the same thing with him. Make him feel he is an important farm hand. Also try to become interested in some of the things he is interested in. Show him a lot of love and he may become one of the best friends you have.

-- r.h. in okla. (rhays@sstelco.com), February 02, 2002.

And I bet at the end of the day, he'd probably still like a story read to him.

-- snoozy (bunny@northsound.net), February 02, 2002.

I would have him work with you & your husband. You can teach him lots & still have fun. I would not turn him loose alone on chores because he needs to learn how to do things with supervision.

-- DW (djwallace@sotc.net), February 02, 2002.

So much good advice in all the postings above. One very important thing is praise. When he does a good job at something - tell him! But be honest, and make him earn it! One of the problems of the world is that too many children expect to be paid cold hard cash for every little chore they do. They then begin to equate self worth with cash. (Not that a little spending money ever hurt anyone!) I especially like the comment about cooking. Teaching him what he can do with the produce from your garden can change his outlook on the maintenance of the garden. And by all means, whatever the task of the day, do it with him. The kid is probably starved for companionship of any kind. Have a great day!

-- Bernie from Northern Ontario (bernadette_kerr@hotmail.com), February 03, 2002.

As a mom of 4 boys...3 of them long past 10 years old...and one only 5 now, and a foster mom of several other boys (never any girls!!) I can tell you that the posts above offer great advice. Sometimes 10 year olds...especially if he the type to try to act older...or cooler than he is..will act like they think the whole farm thing is boring or stupid, but just plug on ahead. They are usually just so out of their element that they don't know how to react. I had one foster son complain for the first 2 weeks about the rooster crowing in the morning. He knew all the animals names and breeds and what time they were fed and gosh...everything very quickly. And he forgot all about that crowing. Soon he was just like any other teenager.........impossible to get up in the morning, no matter what. A 10 year old can for sure run a mower...but may have never done it before..so he will need supervision. Some kids are huggier than others...but they ALL like to be talked to like they matter. Good luck! Its a big job helping with someone else's children in a situation like this...but really really rewarding. He will appreciate it..even if he never tells you. Jenny

-- Jenny (auntjenny6@aol.com), February 03, 2002.

As the mom of a soon to be 11 year old boy, there are lots of things he can do, but remember he is still kind of short and strength seems to vary. Twenty pounds is about the max I'd expect him to reliably lift, however when our daughter was ten she could carry a fifty pound bag of feed for a short way ! Must have been all that practice lifting her brother who weighted about that much.

Ten year olds can take out smaller sacks of trash, run a decent lawnmower -- electric start helps or battery powered for a 1/4 acre around the house. Haul off stacks of shrub trimmings, hoe the paths in the garden, harvest vegs, feed and water rabbits, feed chickens, fill waterers with a hose. 2 1/2 - 3 gallon bucket of water or feed is about their size to carry.

Cooking is a great thing for that age whether boys or girls. Have him help you measure, mix and bake his favorite cookies -- like oatmeal or chocolate chips. I'll bet he already knows how to either heat up spaghettios or make mac and cheese from a box or bake a frozen pizza. Help him learn how to make his favorite dish -- roast chicken and potatoes, spaghetti casserole, no boil lasagna and garlic bread, etc.

He's too young to be driving even a small tractor, a riding mower on level ground only depends on his level of maturity. At that age if there is a dumb thing to do , he'll find it.

As everyone else has said, find a well stocked pond or good stretch of river and go fishing for pan fish and have the catch for supper -- nothing like fried bluegills that you have caught yourself.

Yea, the broken TV sounds like a good idea, too.

Ten year olds are a great deal of fun.

-- Sara in IN (urthmomma@aol.com), February 03, 2002.

Make sure he gets a copy of Tom Sawyer (to learn that everyone, no matter what their circumstances, has had to work, and can also have fun doing it!) and always leave a copy of Countryside in the bathroom (to assure it'll get read). Sounds like he needs to know that not only is their another way to live than what he's been taught, but that other people everywhere are doing it, doing it well, and loving it. And why.

With all our rantings (get him interested in the forum!) he may well accidentally pick up some good ideas about self-relience, personal responsiblity, and how to deal calmly with others who disagree - and how silly you look when you just stand there shouting ;P .

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), February 03, 2002.

I grew up with a violently alchoholic father, let me tell you, anything you can offer this child will be to his benefit. I would have done anything to be able to get the heck away from my house, and this poor kid had both parents in that situation. Take him now, let him "shadow" you around for some time, and the two of you will warm up to what he can and cannot do. Give it a shot, you can always send him off with the social workers, but you may just give him enough of a role model to change his entire life, if it's not too late!

My thoughts and prayers go with him....and you- both.

-- Sandie in Maine (peqbear@maine.rr.com), February 03, 2002.

I wouldn't say that all 10 year olds are too young to drive a tractor. It really depends on their maturity level. Some 10 year olds are more mature and dependable than 18 yr olds. I'd just test the water and see what he can handle, he may surprise you and giving a kid responsibilities like that can pay off for a lifetime.

When I was 9 I still lived in town and had 7 yards I mowed during the summer towing the push mower behind my bicycle, made $90 a month doing that which was alot of money for me at that time in the mid 70s. Had a checking account then too. In the winter I shoveled snow for money. Moved to a farm when I was 11 and from 12 until I was 17 tended 40 acres of hay that I plowed the first year, hired out the seeding. I had help with baling most of the time, usually got 4 cuttings a season. A few times it was too much to handle and lost a good bit of hay that had to be sold for next to nothing to the mushroom farms for mulch. I was rushing to beat the rain alot of times and didn't always make it. I cut and split all our wood for heating, did all the repairs, etc around the farm, I was the only male there. Had a 20ga shotgun, .22 rifle and pistol and a .45 1911 handgun by the time I was 13 and never shot anyone or myself. Had a motocross bike and got a car when I was 13 even though I couldn't legally drive. Did all the landscaping, mowing, plumbing, electrical, put in a new drainfield for the septic, plowed snow, just about everything that needed to be done there except the garden, kitchen and goats. Some days I missed school because things needed to be done. I read alot of books and manuals to learn and alot just jumped in and learned along the way, really had no other choice. Quite a few other kids on the farms around us had just as much responsibility. I never had any major mishaps or killed anyone, about the only real damage was a broken arm from the motorcycle and a healthy scar on my thigh from a chainsaw.

I definitely got into more trouble Friday and Saturday nights off the farm. I worked pretty hard but partied a bit too hard too and was mostly known as that long haired wild kid to the neighboring farmers. I never wanted to be known as a farmboy back then and fought the image. I wouldn't be caught dead in the FFA or 4-H back then. I did a little illegal gardening on the side that could've gotten me in big trouble and didn't do much for my reputation around there. They still had me do work for them though because I worked hard and was pretty handy with mechanical work.

The stupidest thing I pulled was when I was 16, we had a heavy snow and I got my 70 chevy pickup stuck trying to come up the hill near our farm. I walked and got the old 63 Ford stakebody to pull the chevy out and promptly got that stuck also right in front of the pickup. I walked back and got the tractor, an IH 584. Got that stuck too. All 3 vehicles in a line. I finally had to call the neighbor to bring his big tractor over to pull all my mess out. Took quite a while to live that one down.

My 8 year old son has it alot easier and I don't think he'll have the maturity to handle all that anytime soon. I've taken him out shooting .22 since he was 6 though and he's responsible with all that. He's handled a riding mower ok too.

I'd let that kid spend as much time as he can with you. Any parents hanging out in bars aren't doing their kids a bit of good.

-- Dave (something@somewhere.com), February 03, 2002.

You've got a lot of good advice here, the recurring ideas come through. If I could add anything it might be that once he gets comfortable around the place, hook him up with some local kids to buddy around with. He needs attention from some positive adults but too much adult company will make any kid antsy. If he's not the most outgoing type, and most kids aren't in new situations, try a picnic with friends or neighbors who have kids the same age. If there's a creek nearby things will work out on their own. One important point nobody picked up on is privacy. This kid already knows his life aint great, that's his business and nobody elses. Keep a lid on it and no matter what, under no circumstance put down his parents, that would undo all the best intentions. Good luck.

-- JJ Grandits (JJG@aol.com), February 04, 2002.

While of course not wanting to put down his parents in a mean way, facts are facts, and sugarcoating them, or ignoring them aren't any help either.

He might ask "Why do my parents go to the bar?" and this would be a good time to explain the bad news about alcohol (I know some look at it as sinful, but there are enough concrete things wrong with alcohol from a medical standpoint that you don't even have to go any further than that). It would be a shame if excuses were made for the parents, which then in turn caused the little boy to grow up to become an enabler, so don't say they're sick, or other little white lie.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), February 04, 2002.

I spent two years babysitting a boy that age. He was neglected emotionally by his mother, but his stepfather had him driving the big farm tractors while haying(that boy was so proud of that!). The boy was short on temper and even explosive at times(I had to sit on him once to keep him from murdering his sister!). The school offered to pay a tutor if his mom would just keep him home, which she said she would never be able to stand, but he was not slow or ignorant. He was eager to learn by example and alongside adults. He liked to build things or have a tagsale. He needed to see results from his efforts. Raising chickens and selling the eggs was a good suggestion. The boy I sat for had a hard time getting along with kids in his agegroup, but was great with little ones. The kid I sat for also had a lemonade stand at the end of my driveway and was elated at every coin he got. His homelife stunk bigtime(mom degraded him, younger sister was always innocent no matter how much she goaded him and step-dad would try to be fair, but mom always undermined), but I would never call the state in on a family unless it was a matter of life and death: even then, if the kid came willingly with parental permission, I would raise that kid at my own expense. No one likes their home invaded by strangers setting schedules, regulations or limits without consideration of family needs. It is such an obscene invasion! No one likes their kid throwing the state in their face for every perceived wrong. I have seen kids who were not physically abused turn into complete monsters weilding the 'state' over their parents' heads because some 'concerned' person felt there was too much yelling going on or the kids didn't wear the latest fashions. Thankfully my kids are happy and healthy and I have never had anyone call the state on me, but I have seen it happen to three friends. It's more stress on the child than learning to deal with difficult parents. Kids today have teachers, counselors, and neighbors for support in dealing with difficulty. They don't need a 'Ghestapo' unless their life is at risk and if that were the case, the school would have called them in already.

-- Epona (crystalepona2000@yahoo.com), February 04, 2002.

That's very good advice GT. I don't sugarcoat things for children either. It either doesn't really make sense to them or they know you're lying which will turn them away from you. A kid that's been through those things already has issues with trust. They'll learn to be perceptive after being let down a few times. Sometimes those emotional or violent outbursts are just tests to see what your reaction will be. A 10 year old kid probably knows about bars and drunks and surely knows his parents are neglectful. There's no use telling him otherwise. Just reinforce how important it is for him to not end up like his parents.

-- Dave (something@somewhere.com), February 04, 2002.

Jennifer H. gave you really good advice.

I have 10 yr. old twin boys, an older son and daughter. My boys really like sports and play hockey. They like spending time with their friends and with their animals. They like watching T.V. and playing Nintendo (but shouldn't do too much of this). They can use a computer and also a shovel. They prefer doing outside chores to housework. They respond better to rewards and praise than to the threat of punishment.

One of them uses the riding mower and can do a pretty good job but still needs to be supervised. They can be really smart and mature but every once in a while they do something really dumb. According to a report I read from a hospital kids shouldn't use lawnmowers until they are well into their teens. Hundreds of kids have been seriously injured. Don't leave them alone with power tools, machinery, etc.

My boys really like to spend time with 'the men' working in the shop, etc. They like to prepare their own food sometimes-although one of them isn't allowed to cook anymore after 'the incident'. They really love their animals but need to be reminded all the time to take care of them. They know how to take care of our geese, ducks, dogs and cats but don't always do a good job. Animals are good for kids and so is living in the country.

They don't always do their jobs (or homework) willingly. They need heart-to-heart talks regularly explaining that they won't get anywhere in life if they aren't responsible about doing what is expected of them. They should be rewarded for their work so they learn that work is what will get them ahead in life. They should also do some work without rewards so they learn to be kind, thoughtful, helpful people.

It's hard to know the right way to raise kids. They are all different and don't come with a manual. You have to get to know them first. What works for some families doesn't work for others. You just have to take one day at a time. Remember to be kind, show you care and respect their opinions-don't expect perfection. There are no perfect parents either. Every day is live and learn. Kids need to learn how to deal with reality and not be too sheltered or they will have a hard time coping with life when they are grown up.

You can't expect not to provide some entertainment for a child. They need to have fun too and something to look forward to. You can expect your usual work to have some interruptions. Kids are a big responsibility but they can also be helpful and fun. They are there for you to love and teach. He needs somewhere to call home and you just might like having him around. Just remember that after all the trials you may have it's usually worth it in the end.

-Sandy in MB (manitobagoose@yahoo.ca) p.s. Most kids really hate weeding.

-- Sandy (manitobagoose@yahoo.ca), February 09, 2002.