Hello Friend;

I finally caught the crud. I kicked it mightily in the pants with early doses of goldenseal, ginger, garlic and cayenne, and a hot bath and 15 hours in bed, but I'm still fragile, so I have to resist Etouffe playing just 2 blocks away, virtually free, for Fat Tuesday. Well - it's 11:00 - we'll see how I do. That's why I'm writing to you; I figure it will keep me inside past the point of no return.

This afternoon I made a great pot of carrot-ginger soup. That's perfect chest-cold food, don't you think? It was really easy - steamed a bunch of carrots and some winter squash; sauteed onions in oil and wine till they were caramelized and added lots of ginger, fresh and extract. Put everything in the cuisinart and added hot water, then moved back to the stove and added more water - a little salt, a little pepper. Toasted some hazelnuts in the frying pan and served them on top with brie and apples. Now, isn't that a good thing to do for yourself when you're feeling sick?

**************

I miss hearing from you. Not that I ever heard a lot, but the subvocalizations and harmonics were louder some couple of weeks ago. Did you find a woman to hug?

It's been very interesting meeting up with Walt. I'm absolutely floored by the parallels in your energies. He's another Libra. 52 years old. More fire signs than you - no earth (and I love your earth stuff) - but you both have Mars in Leo. Yum. A dancing fool who loves young people with a real passion - he has a few "kids" from the street that he keeps an eye on - and has a lot of community spirit, readily participating in the rub where fringe culture meets the mainstream. You'd probably like him a lot.

Unfortunately, he's just about as busy as you are, though at least he's on the ground most of the time, in the same city, and it's easier for him to connect with me right now - though it could just be the blush of being new friends.

I told him about you, or at least I told him what I tell myself about you: that I'd been writing to someone I care for very much and who dowsn't seem to have the time nor interest to connect right now, and that I am in a place that needs attention and care.

I'm trying to make it real clear that I'm through with Eugene, and that I'm leaving this area (he's settled here; been here since 1970) - at least I'm leaving in spurts, between settling in the plants and stints upriver - and that I'm going to do my music and my writing and hang with my family and I don't know what else.

I don't really feel like being in a "relationship" again - not yet - even though, as you know, I ache for a partner. But I'm not so practiced at dodging these things when they finally get my notice. I'm easily swayed once someone gets in - perhaps that's why I have such a shell about me.

Walt told me that he'd tried to get my attention back in 1995 but I think his previous romantic overtures went right over my head.

I'm almost impossibly naive in some areas, and there's not much sign of improvement with age. I realize that one of my personal defense mechanisms, crafted as a young girl on the road I suppose, was probably to "miss" the intent of a lot of attention from men. When it does go over my head and they have to spell it out, well, few of them do, so I often get spared even noticing unwanted advances. Of course, such habits die hard, and I rarely detect anyone's interest in me, even today.

You, for example.

You've seemed interested, but then you are often so abbreviated, and so busy, that I can't tell if you're really on the fly, and regretting the pace you travel at when it makes you pass me by (like Kauai, or New Year's, or just the effort of making plans or even talking...) or if you're just being kind because you see my sincerity and my energetic connectivity and you want to stay hooked up with it somehow while not generating any obligations to it., nor hurting my feelings.

In any event, I'm interpreting the near-misses as cosmic timing that has us almost meeting - but not quite - for some reason that I can't yet fathom. Perhaps you're awakening the writer in me? What is it that we do for each other? What do I do for you? Anything that you can put to words?

You definitely awakened a loving part of me that touches you unconditionally - willing to continue to share as long as our Muse moves me, no matter what your emotional configuration with Lotte or others that you need in your life might be; and I find myself still determined to share; willing to make it clear to others that I will remain connected to you as long as you stay signed up for these e-mails and give me enough response to keep the juices flowing - and their evidence is these missives, I suppose.

I've made sure Walt knows I think I'm marking time. I may be wrong, but I think that's what I'm doing. I told him not to ask me because I was tired, and I just have my head around leaving and can't think of much else right now. He's old enough to accept that. There are worse ways to mark time - I'm fun. I'm not bad to look at. I'm loyal and honest. And pretty easy to be around. And I'm occupied; I have a personal and creative mission; I'm not looking for a prince any longer - I gave up on that one, and now I just want to get on my own charger and ride off into the sunset, eventually by myself, because I just can't trust a fellow to ride with me. (Not that you fellows don't mean well, but I just haven't seen any of you up for the long haul.)

Do you think this is wrong or insensitive of me? Maybe I'll change. Maybe Walt or someone else who treats me well will change me. But I don't know, and I don't feel ready to push myself anywhere other than where I am.

It's ironic. I'd almost sent you a message a couple of weeks back informing you that my dance card was filling up, and wondering if you were interested in rendezvousing with me somewhere - an April sojourn - Field Trip - Burning Man - Colorado in the Summer. I held back, thinking you'd be in touch, but you weren't.

Anyhow, I'm still interested in connecting f2f with you. Walt and I are sketching out parameters, and if you want to hang out with me sometime in the next 10 months, it would be good to talk about that very soon. I feel like the territory of you and I has prior claim - I still feel so much for you in my heart - and I hate to let the opportunity to share and explore with you slip away because you were running at light speed and I didn't send up the flare.

I have limited emotional resources, however, and I've already watched your own difficulties at managing multiple loving connections with grace and equanimity. Not that you haven't been masterful, but it seems hard. You know my own constraints are even greater than yours.

So, what think you? Should we pass this round, or not? What feels right and full and inspiring to you? Please share your thoughts with me.

much love and care,

cynthia

PLUR. Remember PLUR

Peace
Love
Unity
Respect

Peace
Love
Unity
Respect

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2002