Y'all, I just can't deal with every single pair of jeans in the world being low rise. Or, in the case of the once-affordable Old Navy, "ultra-low rise."

I mean, do you need to see my ENTIRE ass? Some of us would rather wear our belts at our actual waists, you know?

For some reason, you can't buy - for any amount of money - a pair of women's boot cut jeans that sit at the natural waist. They just don't exist.

Can anyone explain why this is?

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

Answers

Let's talk about The Gap.

Not the store, mind you, though their jeans are the prime offenders.

I mean when a pair of jeans sit nice and snug against your stomach . . . while the back waistline is gapping as if there's something crawling on your butt and it's trying to get away as fast as possible.

My boot-cut jeans from 1995 (from The Gap) have The Gap. Every pair of boot-cut jeans I have tried on since 1995 have The Gap. The jeans I bought at an Eddie Bauer outlet yesterday are not boot-cut -- stretch, actually -- and yet, in the back, there's a bit of a Gap threatening to overwhelm whatever belt I put on.

My black jeans, bought in '93 or so, do not have The Gap, and fit me fine. They may be the last non-Gap jeans I ever own.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

Y'all fools are shopping in the wrong places.

J. Crew, Miss Low(e) Rise, has more than one kind of boot cut jeans with a higher waist. I know, because I had thought the ones I ordered were low rise, and they had ended up somewhere around my chin.

WG - have you tried the modern boot cut jeans from Gap? They're low, but not too low, and I swear they don't gap (heh.) in the back. Also, they're my favorite jeans I ever bought.

Y'all are right that Old Navy's jeans are ass. All of them fit a hundred different kinds of wrong. I cannot, however, sing loud enough praises for their corduroys, especially when they're on clearance for $6.99.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

My big problem with the blue jean industry is their misunderstanding that all women who fall into the petite OR womens sizing categories have not noticed that baggy assed-tapered leg (that's pegged leg to the rest of us) stopped being worn by anyone other than MC Hammer back in 1987.

Relaxed-fit should not mean "will make you look like a big round bubble of cheap denim". Kate Moss said, "Fuck that, those jeans make me look fat."

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

I am going to have to take off my Old Navy low rise jeans right now, aren't I?

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

I guess I can't really contribute to this, since I have no jeans problems of this nature. In college, I found the exact kind of jeans that fit my body the right way (from the Gap, if you care). Then, I literally went out and bought about ten pairs. When I got skinnier, I bought pairs of that size. When I got fatter I bought pairs in that size. I'm covered no matter what. They aren't dark or trendy, or low-rise or pegged or gapping at the ass crack or anything. Just plain ol' blue jeans.

Now, I will acknowledge that the following might be informed by the fact that I haven't bought jeans in five years but...

Um? for the gapping in the back? wouldn't a BELT help you people out? Please correct me if I am wrong.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

AB, I think it was the other thread where I noted that at the Gap 5th Avenue store -- now, note, Fifth Avenue, so in theory one of the Gap's biggest and brighest and best-stocked stores -- had every variation of Gap jeans available except Modern Boot Cut, which was only around for those who could wear Size 0 or 2.

Also, they have gone up in price since then. And I still have that niggling I-won't-buy-Gap-Inc. promise problem.

But yes, the one time I was able to get close enough to a pair of MBC jeans to try them on, there was significantly less Gappage in the back.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

PG: the fabric involved in the Gap bunches under a belt, and is not only unsightly but uncomfortable.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

WG's right, PG...a belt won't help, because the gap only occurs when you're sitting--if you're standing up, the jeans fit fine. Sit down, and there's a gap so big in the back of the jeans that you could fit a herd of Mad Mads in there.

And with a belt, it's even worse, because the gap isn't able to...uh, gap freely, which makes the front of the jeans dig into your skin, crushing all your internal organs and thus killing you. Due to an ill-fitting Old Navy jeans mishap, I'm dead right now.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

Al, you're going to have to shop at the places us "older" women go.

Land's End makes a good quality jean, but at least with the pair I have, you have to be miss Ultra-flat tummy to wear them. Even when I was Miss Svelte Size 8, I had a bit of a tummy and now with the Cesearean section, fuggedaboudit. Even with all the leg lifts and crunches.

I have a pair of purple boot-cut cords that actually go up to the waist. I think they're Liz Clairborne.

I can recommend the St. John's Bay brand at JC Penny. Or is it Penney? I can never remember. They fit me really well and come in tall sizes. I like the fit of Jones New York jeans (if they are on sale!) Or I did, until I put on a little weight over the holidays and they're all tight now. Damn.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

Al, are you tall? 'Cause this low-rise thing isn't a problem that I have... In fact, when I tried on the low-rise jeans, they hit at my waist. That said, I gotta say GAP. They do have this unfortunate "women have no waist and hips" thing, but they fit better than the alternative. I'm partial to boot cut and flare.

Sometimes the jeans don't gap at the waist and show unwanted skin if you buy a bigger size. 'specially if your lower stomach isn't flat.

But don't buy Old Navy. Their seams are never straight and they never align patterns.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

Yes, Al... I need to see your whole ass

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

I have The Horrendous Back Gap in my otherwise-fabutastic American Eagle jeans. I just deal - my belt is getting warped because it does nothing, but I'm dealing with it. I don't wear shirts that are short enough for anyone to see my bum (or my delicates! hee.), so I end up sitting down and then tugging my shirt down a little bit.

I hate hate hate it though. I despise it. I wish it were gone. I wish I could find flattering jeans in an "old-looking" style that are cute and stylish and DON'T FREAKING GAP.

Argh.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

I know AB is laughing so hard right now with y'all asking if I'm tall and how big my ass is.

People, I am six feet tall! And my ass is, you know, there. "Birthing hips," I think is the polite and ladylike way my mother says it.

So, anyway, The Gap sells jeans that fit at the waist, but not boot cut jeans. So, what I have to do to wear boots is buy jeans that fit in the hips.... making the waist about 3 sizes to big and gapping so bad when I sit down that Mad Mad could have her birthday party in there.

And AB, also, I cannot even believe you would suggest I go to J.Crew whose pants and jeans I have not been able to wear since puberty. Buttless Chao.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

I believe that my first thought when I saw the question, "Al, are you tall?" was, "Does a bear shit in the damn woods, Jessa?"

Then I laughed my ass off. Well, I would have if I had one. Assless Chao, indeed.

Allison: J. Crew. Tall sizes. Check it. And I know it says "low waist," but I assure you, it's a lie.

-- Anonymous, February 19, 2002

This should be required reading for all men. In that we should never attempt buying any article of clothing for women. Shit ain't gonna fit, is it?

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

heh. I don't think one pair of jeans (even in the same size) ever fits the same way. seriously!!!

of course, I've had luck with jcrew - I agree - though I am short, thin and also have hardly any ass, sooo this isn't really a prob. I realised that with their size chart, I'd be a size 2 in jeans. I've only bought the knit drawstringish pants from them so far.

as for jeans, the only ones I can fit into now are my Old Navy cargos ...seriously! I gained 10lbs and my old jeans no longer fit. this was shocking since one pair practically hung off of me and now I cannot get 'em past my hips. disconcerting since they hardly got enough wear...I might sell them on eBay ...hah!

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

First, Brian, here will be no seeing of Al's whole ass. I'm just saying.

Omar, you couldn't not be more right. About the only article of clothing I have ever bought for a woman that fit 'just right' was a t- shirt from a Cars concert in 1984.

And although I don't have nearly the hassle with jeans that some people do, I have to admit I've become quite enamored with The Gap after buying a pair there over the holidays.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

In all fairness to the bobsled back, MOC, she took up bobsledding after being cut from the US track & field team. So I don't think you can just get up off your bookworm butt and go curling. But it's a thought.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

As should be patently obvious, I thought I was in the SLC thread.

And am not looking to make this conversation all about Lowe asses and asses loved by Lowe.

Anyway. I am all about the Lands' End catalog, though possibly not for jeans.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

I have no hips or waist, so it sounds like the Gap jeans would fit me if, indeed, I ever purchased anything from the Gap, which I don't. But ask me if I have thighs!!! This is why Old Navy's jeans make me cry. I could pull the largest size made off the rack and they would still cut off my circulation at the thigh. And it's so confusing because like AB, I have three pairs of Old Navy cords that fit me like a dream (or did, before I became a riddle in nine syllables).

Am I the last living woman on earth who wears Levis? I LOVE Levis, the superlows, the boot cuts, the Silver Tabs, the stretches. I collect them all.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

See, I prefer the low-rise jeans as my natural waist is about an inch below my boobs. Thus, when I wear natural-waist pants or jeans or skirts, I look absurd in an unattractive Oompa-Loompa kind of way.

But, Al, have you tried Calvin Klein? I gave up on the Gap when I was in college (because of the gap) and have been devoted to Calvin Klein jeans. Brooke knew what she was talking about, for sure.

Lately, though, I have been loving Banana Republic jeans. They're a little pricey, but they're worth every penny. They hit at the right spot in the waist, they come in a great boot cut, and they come in regular and tall lenghts. No gap to speak of. Banana Republic, all the way.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Strangely, even though my body weight is greater than all the population of Montana combined, the only pair of pants I've bought lately that don't do the gap are some low rise khakis from Lane Bryant. And since I wear all my shirts untucked (see: big fatty fat fat girl above) no one has to see the stupid tummy roll very much.

Al, I got r some LL Bean jeans for Christmas and he loves them. I can not vouch for gapiness vs. non-gapiness but I can vouch that they have the best customer service ever.

Also, the term low rise? Irks me. High rise. Low fall. There is no low rise you oxymoronic fashion designers.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Shae: If you want to get all Neal Know-it-all about it (and I will, but only for you), "rise" is actually the same thing as "stride," which is the distance between the crotch and waistband. So low rise makes sense that way.

I really don't like the word crotch.

Also: Hate Calvin Klein jeans, hate Banana Republic jeans. But only because I'm bitter that I've never been able to get them to fit me right. And Banana NEVER carries ankle length jeans, ever. Hate them.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Al, I've come to a decision regarding your dilemma: Just be happy to be six feet tall. Whatever you wear, you'll look like a fashion model with all leg. Revel in it.

Either that, or trade bodies with me. I can't even reach my stupid kitchen cabinets half the time 'cause of my 5 foot, 2 inch midget self.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

AB - Banana Republic does cary ankle-length jeans, and I know that two girls at my office (they're both right about five feet tall) own them and they hit right at the ankle.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Not in my town they don't, T. Maybe I'll have to get you to mail me some from the ATL.

Jessa: I'm five feet tall. I hate the top shelf! And when I take pictures with Al? She looks all adult and...well, tall, and I look like her 12-year-old prepubescent little sister. The one who is really annoying and always wants to go to the mall with her, too, because Mom said so.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

You mean, Skipper?

AB, when you come to Atlanta again, we'll hit the BR.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

You people are cracking me up.

AB, I also have hatred for the word "crotch." It's worst when used in conjunction with "-watcher", which is not only foul as a concept but the rhyming of the "crotch" makes me want to urp.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

There was a whole episode of "Undeclared" recently where they kept calling the practice of blocking one's attempts at hooking up with a lady "Crotchblocking." The actual term is "Cockblocking," but they changed it to make it network- friendly. I just thought that was amusing.

Oh, and I watch way too much TV.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Yah, you do. And, I think that's pretty stupid, when everyone knows it's cockblocking. Who would even say "crotchblocking"? That sounds like a defensive move in karate.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

AB, I know why it's rise with the technical reasons, due to my years at the hell on Earth known as Bernina. I still think it's stupid. There's only one kind of rise I want to hear about in jeans and then only from r. If you know what I mean.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

And I think I do.

Also: I am stealing PG's jeans-buying strategy. If only I'd done that with the greatest jeans ever in 1993, I wouldn't be the cranky jeans grump you see barely standing before you today.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

New jeans update: Levi's Superlow Stretch. FanTASTIC standing up, big huge ass gap sitting down.

I have counteracted this hideous effect by wearing my supercute pale blue spring jacket, which looks like a smock and makes me feel like a pharmacist rock star.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2002

%$#@! My biggest nag is the fact that if you are buying western girls jeans...think Rocky Mountain or Twenty X or Wrangler, which I wear just about all the time...is the fact that if you are over a size 10, there is no such thing as just a regular straight leg pant...and NONE of them come in a 36 (or over) inseam. Also, I have no problem with low rise jeans, because I swear I am the only female in existance with a waist that IS NOT fifteen inches from my...well...you know. Low rise pants fit me just like regular pants should! Twenty X finally came out with low rise...and I would have like 5 pair...but they are $42.99 a pair at last check. I have to go over and see if they are on sale yet this week. I can't stand the way that pants from AE or the Gap or any of those others fit...and I have an impossible time finding Levi 505's in a size that I like. More guys Wranglers for me I guess...until I get rich. :)

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2002

I love the jeans! I usually shope at Guess?... They are expensive but they make some great jeans! I only wear them on the weekends but sometimes you need something comfortable with a belt and normal waist! I got you there but showing your ass in lowrise and ultra low is the reason you wear them! Well have a great day!

-- Anonymous, August 13, 2002