Y'all:

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? is for sale at Amazon.

Is that a joke, or is this book for real?

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Answers

From a reader review:

Dangerous side effect, February 1, 2002

Reviewer: A reader from Fort Gump, Wyoming, United States Being depressive and gloomy in general, I read this book and took its sage advice, clenching and unclenching until the cords stood out on my neck. Do it enough times in a row and you get a tickly feeling like a cross between vertigo and autoerotic asphyxiation. After a few months of the prescribed circumflexions my friends began to compliment me on the obvious tone and health of my anus, and I won several bets by firing blanks well across the room with the above apparatus.

My spirits began to improve. But then I was sitting at my computer in the nude late one night, spamming usenet forums, and unthinkingly began the rhythmic clenching and unclenching. Suddenly, like an enraged schnauzer, my anus tore a chunk of the seat cushion out of my chair. And swallowed it. I had to drive to the hospital in extreme discomfort, and I know the emergency room personnel mocked me no end the minute I was out of there, sore and well-lubricated in the rectal zone. I have never been so humilated, and I'm sure the x-rays are showing up on web sites all over the place. So be warned, before you buy this book: too much power is a dangerous thing. If I'd been riding a bicycle, I might have been killed.

Y'all. Y'ALL. May the lord have mercy.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Enraged schnauzer. The reviewer compared his mighty anus to an enraged schnauzer, people.

I may have just had a seizure.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Dayam. I can't read this forum at work. I'm laughing way too hard and turning all red. I don't know how I'll explain it if somebody comes in my office!

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

She sent her pet goldfish to her aunt in Madagascar and started watching daytime TV.

Oh, my word. Barring the fact that what goldfish could survive the trip to Madagascar.... I can't stop laughing. And it is far, far too early to be thinking about stickiness.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Apparently the Japanese man who wrote this book, as well as Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix : Carlos Castaneda Shamanism Plus a After His Death, used a computer program to translate his words into English.

He ended up with text like something Lin Chao would write after spending two nights drinking in "excrusive Berragio."

Man, it's funny. Here's the description of the other book:

Book Description Carlos Castaneda accomplished the feat to introduce the ancient Inca- Shamanism (how to beckon the spirit, how to bring up supernatural power or our immaterial fibers or third attention--called a phenix in Egypt--within our bodies, how to become healthy-happy-efficient, and how to fuse with the universe without losing consciousness and live there for 2 billion years) through his 12 best selling books. He sent another new bible to the world. As I discuss in Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix, I think the following points are essential for us to attain the goal of Inca-Shamanism. They are: stopping your breath automatically, sleeping without losing consciousness, circulating your energy in your physical body, cleaning up your central energy pipe, making the beautiful, strong, energetic core of abdomen flexible and firm, good spine, the secret of physiognomy, good complexion, rejuvenation, fasting, influence of other people and of devils, cutting the pipe of floating devil above your head, good relationship with opposite sex, dependable self-importance, good repentance, imagining powerful men such as Christ and absorbing the power of various voices and of various flights. So, I have added them.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Is this news for real? (Not quite on subject, but I'm equally dubious):

htt p://www.spaceref.com/news/viewnews.html?id=431

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

It could be true since that businessman went up last year. While NASA has been hell bent on leaving civilians on the ground, the Russians have been willing for a price.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

From a reader review of the Carlos Castenada book:

February 16, 2002 Reviewer: A reader from La Jolla, CA USA All Your Clenched Sphincter Are Belong To Us

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

well, http://www.spaceref.com/news/viewpr.html?pid=7473.

That's so weird.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

If they send Lance Bass in space, can they also keep him there?

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

Looks like it's true Naked Hannah. Well, almost true, he's still "in talks." Here's an excerpt from the E!Online article.

"Bass confirmed Wednesday he's in talks with Amsterdam-based space company MirCorp to take a Soyuz taxi mission from Russia to the International Space Station (news - web sites) in November 2002."

No word on whether they are keeping him there or not.

-- Anonymous, February 21, 2002

It was also on MTVNews, so you know it's gots to be true.

-- Anonymous, February 21, 2002

All visitors to the International Space station must earn their keep - By collecting and loading "waste products" (hmmm) from the station onto a vessel destined to burn up in the atmosphere. He paid a lot of money to do a job that 50 years from now will pay minimum wage ... HAHA

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2002

Oh. The auto mechanic's review at Amazon made me cry with the laughing.

-- Anonymous, February 25, 2002