I got to thinking about this when I read Carlas question about her daughter. My fiance is 23, I am 19. We have a house togather, 3 dogs, three horses, our own cars and such, we are doing very well for two young people who have worked for what we have. He has a three, getting ready to turn four year old son. When he was about a year and a half old, his mother moved them to florida, because he(his daddy) wouldnt leave me for her. We then didn't get to see him for about 8 months because of her until it was taken to court. well, he got reaonble visitaion. We usually get him for a month or two every couple of months until he starts school then it is going to be less frequent I am afriad. But let me get to the point. His mother, does NOT DISIPLINE HIM!!! He does not want to listin, you can tell him to go do something and he will go the other way or just ignore you, OR he will just say what? What? What? He won't eat unless it's fast food, and I am sorry, but i am not going to get him that! I cook dinner every night and every night he sits there and plays around and picks at his food! Some people say don't feed him, and eventually he will eat. I just don't know. Also, he makes himself throw up, or, he used to...she would run him to the bathroom and comfort him. He got in trouble with us, and soon quit doing it. but this morning he sat and played in his food and got in trouble and started whining until he threw up. he is now laying in his bed and wont be allowed to get up for awhile. It feels like we have to constantly disipline him, he has cussed at me, she lets him watch rated R movies, AND HE IS NOT EVN FOUR YET!!! The problem is that the more we disipline him, the less he wants to come see us, and I don't want that!Are we just going to have to eal with some things until he gets older? I am so frustrated with this! I want him to love me , and not for me to be the big bad step-mom. He forgives Phillip soon enough, but it takes him a little while after I punish him. What do i do? Anyone else in this boat?

-- Angela (Daizy_73@hotmail.com), February 24, 2002

Answers

First of all, as a step-mom, you should not be the one doing the discipline!Especially when he is just visiting and going back to his mom. Second, you and your husband need to sit down, when his son is not around, and discuss this and set some perimeters. And be gradual at first. You are not going to change everything all at once. You are not , in his eyes, ever going to be his mom. But a good friend and caring adult is a worthy goal. Try to find some things to do with him, just the two of you, that are fun to him and he will start to respond positively. Let him help you with fixing dinner, including making choices of some of the dinner. Make cookies with him. Read stories together. I kept here special books and toys that stayed here inbetween visits.And sometimes it works better to offer him some choices in what he should be doing, not just laying down the law. For example, instead of saying "You have to take a bath", ask" do you want to take your bath now or shall we first pick out some books to read and than have your bath" And then walk away and give him a chance to make a decision. I know this sounds simplistic but you get the idea.Its funny, but when my kids started to use bad language, I remember telling them that we don't use that language here and ignored it, but told them they were not to call each other croccidile or elephant. You guessed it, they were overjoyed to use those new words! And set an example, no shouting, cursing, watching R movies yourself in your home. You can't control what his mom does, but you can offer him a healthy alternative and good example. And most important, don't criticize his mom in front of him.That just puts him on the defensive and widens the gap between you. You want to gain his trust and acceptance. Remember he is only three! This is the age that a child is discovering his own automony and is testing the waters so to speak with any adult, you, his Dad and his Mom. Good luck and be patient.This is a big endeavor for someone as young as yourself.

-- Kate henderson (kate@sheepyvalley.com), February 24, 2002.

Kate said it all very well! I would like to add that my children who are now 12 & 15 years old. Hate to visit their dad because of their step-mother. She is one very nasty person but the courts say they have to go once a month, and they do want to visit their dad. I have couched them to respect the house rules and to discuss it with their dad, they can talk to him. I also have talked to him about their concerns but ultimately it is between them and their dad. Kate is right, you should not be the one to discipline his son.

3 years old is young, too young to be expected to follow directions without reminding. One task at a time and do them with him. He can not be expected to know what you want or how you want it done if he has had no direction. No one has taught him how to follow direction.

Be gentle, he is young

-- Susan in Minnesota (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), February 24, 2002.

Kate is right. My sister is a pre school to 6 th grade teacher and one thing she told me is how hard it is to have half your kids come to school with no disipline at home then want them to behave at school. She said you always have to give a child two choises and let him pick. That way it is not disiplining its teaching them how to behave. Like when he get up in the morning say we are going to have eggs and toast for breakfast but we can feed the horses first if you want and then get breadfast,or would you like breakfast first? Well at his age he dosn't realize he is not picking the food but he gets to decide when to eat it. When you do sit down to eat let him know you don't have to eat it but there will be no snacks. Lunch is at noon so you are going to be really hungrey this morning. He can decided to eat or go hungrey but if you seem to not care if he goes hungrey more than likely he will eat somthing on his plate. Kid are funny if they get a big reaction out of you they will work it. You don't have to make a kid eat and the only kids you hear about starving to death are the ones who's folks don't give them anything at all to eat. Most kids these days are over weight anyway. I tell you after a day or two of him going hungrey he will find somthing on his plate he thinks is not so bad anymore. No reaction, and if he says I don't like this or that just say well then don't eat it but that is all we are having, and act like you don't care. My sister is funny because her daughter would not clean her toys up alot of the time and my sister would say ok you can clean your room or you can sit in time out while I do it. He daughter was stuborn and would sit in the corner and Tina would just take her time so Missa would have to sit there quite a while. After a couple of weeks her daughter would say I will do it momma it takes you to long. LOL get the picture. They don't think it is so bad when all of a sudden its there decision. Good Luck.

-- Teresa (c3ranch@socket.net), February 24, 2002.

Angela, My wife is more the expert on child rearing but I think I got enough miles on me to take a stab at it. Let's see, you've got a three almost four year old who is a picky eater, makes himself upset when he doesn't get his way (tantrums),Questions everything you tell him to do,and He's only with you for a few weeks or a month at a time. The kid sounds pretty normal to me. As far as the cussing goes, he does not have a clue what he's saying. He's a little parrot at this age. The ping pong ball life (mom to dad to mom) will bring out the worst in any kid.His routine is broken and He's not to secure. You mentioned how it seems you are always disciplining him. Remember that for a 3 year old to be sent to their room for 5-10 minutes is like a year of solitary confinement to an adult. How much time is spent hugging, playing together, telling stories, singing songs or just sitting on your lap? Discipline is important and you must be firm and consistant but at his age just drench him with love, It is his food.You may be setting Your expectations for his obedience too high. Instead of telling him to go do something do it with him and be happy while you do it and he will learn to be happy when he can do it alone.As far as dinner time goes, make it interesting. Give him small portions and arrange his food to be a face on his plate, or better yet have him help. Again, that age group has the attention span of a housefly. They are also very mallible and willing to please, it just may not seem that way. Anyways, sorry for ramblin' on but as the father of 5 I can tell you that the age your dealing with is probably one of the best. The ground work you lay now will be around for a long time. Good luck, and now wiser people than I will speak.

-- JJ Grandits (JJGBDF@aol.com), February 24, 2002.

This child has some serious issues. He is obviously stressed beyond all reason. Do not make food any more of an issue. Don't try to force him to eat. Make sure food is available and he is able to get it without your help. A banana, crackers, whatever. At three... focus on redirecting him when he starts doing something unacceptable. Lots of structure and patience is in order. He does not know what to expect. I would strongly suggest that you all get to a counselor who can help. This boy is hurting bad and desperately needs proper support for a bad situation.

-- witness (kaitomas@hotmail.com), February 24, 2002.

Angela, sounds like you are getting some good advice here. Also realize that for a 3 year old there are very few ways in which he can exert any control over his life, which sounds pretty chaotic- controlling his food intake is one of the areas which he can control, and that is why food becomes such an issue with so many kids. I agree with what others have already said- ignore the food issues. He isn't going to starve himself. Just eliminate snacking and try to maintain some sort of regular schedule for mealtimes- he WILL eat when he is hungry. And it may very well help if you let him participate in the meal preparation- my younger nephew is a picky eater but takes so much pride in meals he helps to prepare that he will often eat a food that he has prepared even if he snubs it on every other occassion. You might also "let" him "help" with setting the table, picking flowers for a centerpiece, setting up candles, etc. Make the meal a special time and get him involved, if he seems inclined. You might have to lower your expectations a bit, at least for awhile as far as his behavior. Realize what a contrast it must be for him between the two households and try to allow him some room for adjustment, without letting him run roughshod over you. Be firm and consistent, but don't overdiscipline. Worry now about treating him right, showing your respect for him and command his respect, and love him a lot. Show him how to behave through your own examples, and his love for you will follow. It sounds as if his life is pretty unstructured- one thing that kids crave is structure in their lives. If there is no structure, many kids soon feel as if life is out of control and it freaks them out. Try to give him as much of that as you can while he is with you, without being too rigid. Good luck to all of you- keep seeking advice. You are at least aware and caring enough to want to try for a better start with this boy, and the younger you start the easier it is to keep them on the right path, as poor Carla and her family are discovering.

-- Elizabeth (ekfla@aol.com), February 24, 2002.

Here's a thought regarding his throwing up- if you are punishing him now for throwing up and that isn't working, you might try a different approach. Send him to his room, telling him that you are concerned about his upset stomach and that he needs quiet time for it to settle down. Don't make him feel as if he is being punished- let him know that your concern is for his well being. He probably won't like being banished to his room (although, some kids DO!), but you can give him back a measure of control by letting him know that when he feels better he can rejoin the family. If a kid thinks he is being punished he might choose to stay in his room "forever" rather than give in and do what you want. So, give him a choice and give him some room for error, and help him find his way.

-- Elizabeth (ekfla@aol.com), February 24, 2002.

At 19 yrs old you may be biting off more than you can chew. Do you really want to marry into those problems? Please don't be mad. I only mention it because I have a friend who married a guy with a young daughter. The daughter is now the "princess" and my freind & the 2 new babies are treated like substandards. She is positively miserable and talks about divorce alot. The real sad part is the 2 children they now have together are probably headed towards an unhappy divorce situation themselves. Personally, after dating a guy with kids I decided right then that I would never get serious with anyone who had children from another relationship. I want OUR kids to be the priority. I know that may sound selfish, but I think it gives any future kids we may have a much better chance at a normal 2 parent life. At age 3 this boy doesn't really know what he is saying & probably would rather have his mom & dad. He is angry & confused and knows he is getting a reaction from you. Also, as a health care professional I can tell you that children around this age tend to slow their growth curve & therefore often have a decreased appetite & get "picky". Further, if you are forcing him to eat foods he is not used to it may very well upset his system. I know that fast food & R rate movies is not healthy, but you can't suddenly change his whole world for 3 weeks and expect him to take it in stride.

-- ellie (Elnorams@aol.com), February 24, 2002.

Get some books on toddler development and behavior and have both you and your husband read them. I can't stress this enough. We have a four year old, soon to be five. I've already raised a daughter on my own, so had plenty of experience, but this is my husbands first child. A lot of what you're describing is just plain and simple toddler behavior and understanding the development of a toddler helps deal with these situations. The books also have a lot of good recommendations on how to deal with the situation of step-families. I know it really helps my husband to be reminded that a lot of the behavior of our son is perfectly normal for a child his age and to get tips on how to handle him from other parents and experts. One book I can highly recommend is: "SOS! Help for Parents, by Lynn Clark, Ph.D. It was put out by Parents Press in 1985. Another is: "Teaching Your Children Values" by Linda and Richard Eyre, it's a Fireside book put out by Simon and Schuster in 1993 (The author is a father of 9!) Good Luck!

-- rose marie wild (wintersongfarm@yahoo.com), February 24, 2002.

It isn't your place to punish him. He feels abandoned by his Dad, and then when he gets to see him, sounds as if life visiting you guys is HELL! Your side of the story is she moved away because HE wouldn't leave YOU for HER? Geeze, what a catch! Imagine the stories the little kid is hearing about you! Imagine the stories the little guy is hearing about his Dad, and you wonder where this behavior comes from? What has he heard you and Dad say about MOM? You are only 19, it is very different when you are dealing with your own children.

If you run the numbers your husband was your age when he had the kid, he has been with you, not with his child in Florida for half of his life. The kid doesn't even know you guys really. And you really have no idea what he acts like at home, and if you believe what a 3 year old has to say, about seeing movies etc. or anything else that really goes on, well.............lets just say that at this age they make alot of things up. I would make it my number one priority to have a very good relationship with the MOM of this child! You need some open communication to get through this and to help this child. In the end when he is old enough to put his foot down and say "I am not going to Dad's and the evil Step Mom's ever again" you won't see him anymore, or he will become a huge pawn in the struggle of who is the better Mom and be screwed up for life. Be the bigger person and do what is best for the child, call his MOM and see what the 3 of you are going to do about this kid. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), February 24, 2002.

Angela, what do you mean by discipline? I hope you have not used physical and or emotional 'discipline.' With all due respect it is not your place. Please explore family counseling, this young child sounds like a pretty typical four year old. When you marry this man, it is a package deal! Try to step aside from rigid expectations about how things are 'supposed to be.' You and your fiance need to sit down and talk this thru. Do not be disrespectful about this child's mother in front of him, no matter what your personal views of her childraising (or lack thereof) abilities. I am not trying to bash you, I'm just getting the impression it is a highly emotionally charged issue for all concerned. Especially when it comes to discipling a child when you are angry or hurt. He is just as confused,angry and hurt as the adults in this situation. A child this young cannot verbalize the tumult of emotion inside of him. Do not make him a scapegoat! Please get help!

-- Terran in VT (homefire@sover.net), February 24, 2002.

Hi Angela!!It's Carla!! You sure stuck your neck out and took a chance on being the focus of the problem....which is great. There are no easy solutions take everything with a grain of salt ....take what you need and THROW OUT THE REST! I was the child who gagged and threw up....on spahgetti. My parents forced me to sit and force it down my throat....they thought it was a control issue, but I REALLY HATED SPAHGETTI. There was no power struggle with me I absolutely hated spahgetti and it's not my favorite food to this day. My oldest did the same thing....and we (being our first) tried to imitate my parents parenting skills. Finally he would get peanut butter sandwiches not spahgetti and my daughter to this day eats spahgetti...no sauce. She is 11 and would rather not eat than eat spahgetti with sauce or sloppy joes. So I don't fight them on it. There is no use. It is sometimes not a power struggle. Is the little boy doing some snacking in between meals? I know my 7 year old likes to get something to eat before the meal and then he of course won't eat his supper. Dr. James Dobson says not to force them to eat. I agree, being on both sides of the fence. My 15 year old loves spahgetti now and will eat seconds. He just acquired the taste. Dr. Laura says that in a case like yours, Daddy should do the discipline.Good Luck and God Bless!

-- Carla (herbs@computer-concepts.com), February 24, 2002.

Vicky brought up a good point. Keep in touch with his mom as it is for the childs best interest. I know at first my step children resented me because they saw me as an obstacle to Mom and Dad getting back together. But I was not the other woman , so to speak, as we had both been divorced and on our own before we even met. I think I have a better relationship with my husbands ex-wife than he does! We can sit and have coffee together and have a good talk. Last Christmas she gave me an afghan she made as a thank-you for being so good to the kids. I was overwhelmed and cried over that!We have been married now 23 years and all eight kids are adults and on their own, but her and I still talk and plan ahead for dates for Christmas get togethers, Thanksgiving, etc. My husband divorced his wife not his children and they will always be a part of his life and it would behoove you to keep communications open between the three of you.

-- Kate henderson (kate@sheepyvalley.com), February 24, 2002.

Lets see, where to start? by disiplining I mean that we have tried time-outs, spankings, early bedtimes, and just about everything else. I worked in a daycare for two years, and I know that this can be a trying age. We do not down his mother in front of him, nor anywhere where he might hear of it. I believe in that she is still his mother, regardless. She on the other hand tells him things, like one time she was on the phone with him telling him to tell his dad he would be happier with her than me. I don't think a child of any age should be dragged into this. He has never known them to be togather, they broke up when she was pregnant and never got back togather. we got togather when he was 11 months old, so he has known me as being here with dad for as long as he remembers. I take him horseback riding with me, and play with him, you know, fun stuff for him. It used to be because of our work scheduals that i spent more time with him than his dad...but now we all spend the same amount of time togather. I back off though and let them have their togather time, working with tools in the basement garage and etc. I am going to do SOME disiplining, I am not going to let him run all over me, but I just needed to know how to go about this in a away he wont hate me. I love the giving him a choice idea...I am going to try that right away. The thing about eating, he loves to eat, but only junk food...his mother has told me more than once that she doesnt cook. Oh, and I talk to her more than my fiance does, they cant get along for more than a few seconds...so I have to kind of mediate. This started when I first started dating him and they got into it and I stepped up and told them that they are both adults and thay they got into this togather and they were going to have to work it out. She usually talks to me about plans to pick him up and etc. I got into it with her twice, and both times I would apoligize and she would cry and say he never treated her like he treats me and that he is better now and etc. The way I see it we are both going to be around for a long time and we might as well get along. A freind of hers called me one time and kind of explained things to me from her side, that she still wanted him and that she kept trying to find a way to hate me but she was finding out that I am not a bad person, if someone needs help i am going to try to help. Even her. The only time she is downright wrong in things is when she gets jealous of me, like when we just bought this new house, when she saw the house she started up again telling him she still had feelings for him and etc. he has told her repeatedly that he wants me not her. This is just so hard on the baby, he is so torn between loving her and loving his dad and me too. he told the babysitter that me and his dad were getting married and that his mama didnt want us too. And since we never mentioned marrage to him yet she had to have told him that. I only hope as he gets older he will see that we love each other and maybe she will too. It is just so hard to try and raise him one way and them her raise him another. Thanks to everyone for thier awnsers!

-- Angela (Daizy_73@hotmail.com), February 24, 2002.

Angela, You have gotten so many good answers on this that I don't think I can contribute more advice on the discipline issue. However, I wanted to tell you about my own son who simply refused to eat ANYTHING practically from birth. Baby food of all flavors was spewed back in my face as soon as it went in. Solid foods (in later years) were discovered under couch cushions, in coat pockets, closets and toy boxes. I really worried that he would starve to death!

I tried everything - including trying to force him to eat by not letting him leave the table until he had consumed a specified (and paltry) amount of what was on his plate. He always outlasted me so, of course, he learned to be even more stubborn (afterall, it payed off in the end!)

I finally wised up. Two things became increasingly obvious. 1 - You can't force someone to eat. 2 - He obviously was not starving to death because years had passed and he continued to grow.

So... I stopped trying to get him to eat what I WANTED him to eat, and concentrated on making sure that he got proper nutrition in the few things HE WANTED to eat. I was very creative - I don't think he ever suspected that he was being fed healthy food. For breakfast every morning I blended together one egg, a banana, multi-vitamin, wheat germ and orange juice into an "Orange Julius" type shake. He loved it! I would then give him the option of cereal or toast, etc. knowing that even if he didn't eat that, he already had a good portion of his daily requirements down the hatch. Lunch and supper were handled similarly. (I made a LOT of nutrient packed cookies and muffins in those days, let me tell you.)

Anyway, my little "starveling" is now 24 years old, stands 6'8" and weighs 260lbs. of solid muscle! What's more - he is STILL a picky eater - but he LOVES Mom's cooking!

Just thought it might help to eliminate that part of the problem so you could concentrate on the more important relationship issues. GOOD-LUCK!

-- Deborah Stephenson (wonkaandgypsy@hotmail.com), February 24, 2002.

I can only say that you are VERY young. Think about how old you were when this child was born! Really just a child yourself and still are. I am in my 20's and can tell you that in 5 years you will be a different person with different wants/needs than those that you have today. Why the heck did he impregnate a women that he wouldn't even stick with long enough for the baby to be born? I really feel for the kids that get born into this sort of situation...obviously someone was thinking with their hormones rather than their brains! Oh, and if his ex finds out that you are spanking, yelling at, or even simply bathing the child she can take it back to court. I have a divorced friend who had to do this because her husband's new wife decided that she needed to discipline the kids. Nothing really out of the ordinary & not she wasn't being abusive, just my friend did not feel it was appropriate to have a non-family spanking & bathing her kids. Guess what? She won & if it happens again dad could loose his visits.

-- ellie (Elnorams@aol.com), February 24, 2002.

Angela, I want you to take a deep breath and step back from your situation. You are 19 and in love with someone you think will be your world forever. He has a bad track record so far though. Had a child but no commitment to his mother. Has been living with you for two years and is just now talking about marriage. A poor little mixed up three year old who is the product of this situation. You seem to be more concerned with helping this little boy than dad. Think long and hard about this marriage. You deserve a man who when he falls in love with you will marry you first then live with you. You deserve to raise children with a man who is commited to you and your children. Anything else rarely works and will most likely bring you heartache worse than you have now. Please think about what you really want for your future and is this it.

-- Maureen in GA (volfamily52@aol.com), February 24, 2002.

The reason I moved in with him in the first place is because of a mentally abusive situation I was in at home. then we bought this house togather because ours burned down. We have been togather 3 years, not two, and have been engaged for awhile, it is I, not him, who wants a later marrage because if I am going to do it, I am going to do it right and have a nice wedding, with lots of planning. I love him, and he loves me, he wasnt the man I am with now when he was with her, and believe me, if you knew her, you would understand. If he ever treated me like he did her, I would leave him in a heartbeat. I will not let any man put me down or any of the sort. I asked a question expecting help, which I am getting. My commitments to this man should not be being questioned here. Yes I am 19 years old, but, I had to take care of myself since I was about 9 and my mother stayed in bed all day long and only woke enough to scream at me for some reason or another. He rescued me from that, and I will be forever grateful to him. He has been the best person to me from day one. I trust him completely, and in my opinion, we are doing the best we can for this child. I am going to try to be the role model for him that I never had, and a freind at that. His mother knows that we disipline him, and as for baths, she has come over to see him here before when he was getting a bath. I make him wash himself, he is old enough, and I learned enough from the daycare onthe things a child can come up with. We have enough information against her that we could take her for full custody, but that is not what we want. a child needs thier mother, no matter how good or bad. I just need help to help him adjust to our rules and guidlines here without him hating it here. We want him to enjoy coming here, especially since when he starts school next year and our visits decrease.

-- Angela (Daizy_73@hotmail.com), February 24, 2002.

Angela, I wish you the best. This man did not 'rescue' you from a bad situation. No person, place or thing can really take that honor. If this is better than what you grew up with, my heart goes out to you. In the end we must take responsibility for our actions, and that goes for your fiance too. Take care.

-- Terran in VT (homefire@sover.net), February 24, 2002.

Poor little boy, my heart breaks for their disrupted little lives, they are nothing but pawns in the hands of "adults". I agree with Dr. Laura, his dad should live as close to his son as he can or he will have no son. My opinion of course. You are set up for heartache I fear. Good Luck, Julie

-- Julie (okwilk213@juno.com), February 24, 2002.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with many of you. Angela, if you will be marrying into this (and please think hard before you do something you may regret), yes, you have the right to set rules and discipline. And, your fiance should be backing you up to the hilt, if he isn't now, he won't in future. None of this "you're not my parent" nonsense, either.

If the mother is that much of a problem (R-rated movies for a child, awful) call child protective services.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), February 24, 2002.

You have a wide variety of excellent answers to choose from, don't you? Only one tiny but very valuable point has been missed. When you see him doing something right, for goodness sake praise him for it. Even if it's stretching a bit at first. Things like "I noticed how polite you were to your Dad earlier. I'm impressed". At first you might get a smart alec answer, but don't kid yourself - even a four year old would rather be praised than scolded. They're always looking for attention. They will learn that 'positive' attention is much better than 'negative.

The little fellow is confused, with good reason. Discuss things with your finace, set down a set of guidelines, and keep them consistent. Explain the rules to him together "family conference" style. This way, you and your finace are showing a united front, and the boy will know what is expected of him. He'll test at first, but as long as you are consistent, and the rules are the same every time he comes to visit, eventually he'll start to appreciate it.

One thing that I eventually learned worked well with my kids is to let them choose their own punishment. When he breaks the rules simply remind him that he has broken a rule, and ask him what he thinks appropriate punishment should be. You'd be surprised how severe they can be on themselves sometimes. I learned to go with a lighter punishment than what they suggested.

When you make a threat, make sure you can follow it through. Things like "I'll spank you so you won't be able to sit down for a week" is just unrealistic, and wrong. Even if you spank, he'll surely be sitting on it before a week is up, and you'll be a liar in his eyes.

By the way, the advice about spanking in one of the posts above is right on the money. Don't do it. There are other ways to discipline, and it's not worth losing the boy because of it. And if you were the one spanking and your fiance was to loose his son because of it - well, I'm sure you get it.

You ARE getting into a real kettle of fish, but it is your decision, and yours alone. Best of luck.

-- Bernie from Northern Ontario (bernadette_kerr@hotmail.com), February 24, 2002.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB!!!! Congrats!

You and your partner need to agree upon and establish the rules. And, he will have to learn that there are these rules when with YOU TWO, which is different when at home.

Question: if she is doing such an apparently poor job, could you not petition for custodial care? It sounds like he would be better off with you!

-- marcee (thathope@mwt.net), February 24, 2002.

We could not get custodial care because they were never married. The only way we could get him would be (1) for her to sign him over to us (yeah right quote"I hold the key to you seeing your son") or (2) if we proved her an unfit mother, which we could, except I think he would later hold that against us for keeping him from her permanently

-- Angela (Daizy_73@hotmail.com), February 25, 2002.

First of all, make the food a non issue. Make sure there are healthy snacks that he can get by himself. If you worked daycare, you would know about healthy kidsnacks, fun foods and that food is a fight you will not win.

Let's look at this from the kid's point of view. If he can be a big brat and make your life miserable, you will leave and his dad will be free to love his mom and his life will be perfect. You are making all the mistakes of a classic wicked step-mother, trying to staighten out somebody else's kid. It is not your job.

"the problem is that the more we disipline him, the less he wants to come see us, and I don't want that!" Well duh! You are acting like you don't like him!

Let's explore the psych of a three year old kid. They do not have the vocabulary to express their fears or questions about life. Their only way of gaining knowledge is by experimentation. By this I mean they have to act things out, see what happens and them process the information. He is operating with snippets of adult conversation, words he doesn't know, and concepts from a different planet than the rest of you. Right now it sounds like he controls the visits and it is a scary thing for a little kid to be the one in control. I wouldn't want to be there either if I was only three years old and the only one in control. Your attempts at being a control freak shows how much out of control you are. If you are going to be a co-parent to this kid then grow up. Put the boundaries out there where the kid has a chance to stay in them.

Instead of all this punishing which you mistakenly called discipline, try a much better method called communication. What you are doing now is closing all the doors to any possible communication and pretty much making sure there will never be a relationship with this kid and probably ruining his opportunity to have a relationship with his dad, which is the whole point of the visits.

Now, when the kid comes to your home, give him an hour or two to settle in with no hassles. Let him arrange his space the way he wants it, then ask him if he wants to play the new game with you just bought. Show him the age appropriate game still in the wrapper.Play this game until he is sick of it. If it is Hungry Hippos or a similar game take aspirin and put in ear plugs first.

When this kid starts any whining or manipulating behavior, put your hand gently on his shoulder and say, "You seem to be having a problem, you need to talk about it. I will answer any questions that you have."

The first few times he may not say anything so redirect his attention to a different activity. After a few times, he will start asking questions, many of them personal. Your job is to answer them seriously and honestly. Do not laugh at the misinterpreted thoughts of a little kid or put them off as unimportant. They are important enough to him to make your life miserable to get the knowledge he seeks.

You have an opportunity to have a great relationship and see the world through this little guy's eyes. You have the opportunity to help this kid have a great relationship with his dad. This is an opportunity for great blessings for all of you. Don't blow it by being a curse in this kid's life.

-- Dr. Laura (thedr.isin@spamfree.com), February 25, 2002.