Hello I am really in need of some help. I keep a swwet little 2 year old with me during my days. She is very timid and shy. And very unresponsive with me. I know that her parents cater to her in all ways, but here at my house we have rules. Cups and food stay in the kitchen, no hitting, no pushing the normal rules. I hate that it is like this, I really do care about the little girl but do not know what to do anymore. She is not a fit thrower or one that is into everything she just wants it her way or no way. When we moved I made the cups and food stay in the kitchen rule. For all the children mine included. And there have been days to where she will not eat or drink because she is not in front of the tv. She just stares at me when I tell her to do anything. I know it is because I am the only one who does not cater to her, I make her follow the rules just like my own. I am at a loss. Should I quit keeping her? I need advice. PLease help!

Jennifer

-- Jennifer (jenniferthf@aol.com), March 01, 2002

Answers

Sounds like you are the best thing that ever happened to her! Let her know that you like her. Find out what she likes- kittens? Dolls? Maybe she'd like to have a story read to her?

If it was me, I'd turn the T.V. off, especially at meal times. Children don't need to be in front of a T.V. all the time, but a lot of people do that. What I do is to tell the children no movies (VCR- that way I can decide the content of what the are watching), until they have cleaned their room, or messes, and doen their schoolwork. It's not that the movie is a reward, but there are certain things that have to be done before a movie can even be considered.

-- Rebekah (daniel1@itss.net), March 01, 2002.

Jennifer--- I have been a licensed childcare provider, and I can relate to what you are going through! Have you talked to the parents? That would be the first step, and get ideas from them. Be honest, no matter how difficult it may be. As for what you should do now-- just don't give in! That's what she is asuming you will do I'm sure. At 2, I don't think they have devious minds, but if she is so used to getting her way, this is probably the way she accomplishes it! Maybe make meal times fun... music in the background, or fun foods, or have a "we're friends" party etc. Nothing fancy necessary! Meal times can me stressful, and I always found that making it fun helps. www.familyfun.com has tons of fun ideas. Good luck! Ruth

-- Ruth---- W. WA (dntwnna@yahoo.com), March 01, 2002.

turn the tv off when it's time to eat or drink, or better yet turn it off completely and find other forms of entertainment. Stay firm in your rules and she'll likely get with the program eventually. I have the same rule regarding drinks and food, it sure helps to cut down on accidents and messes.

-- Dave (multiplierx9@hotmail.com), March 01, 2002.

Good heavens! Reading the subject of your post, I thought she was out cold and you needed CPR advice!

-- chuck in md (reply@mission4me.com), March 01, 2002.

Either quit keeping her, or unplug the TV and tell her that it doesn't work, or move it into another room that she doesn't go into and tell her you got rid of it.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), March 01, 2002.

No, I would not advise lying to a child. If you dont want her to watch tv, just say so. The Two's are the most critical stage of a child's LIFE, in establishing respect for authority. If respect for your authority is not required from you at this stage of development, she could suffer from this lack in her training for the rest of her life.

Stick to your guns. You are doing the child a favor. She wont die going without eating lunch for a few days while she adjusts to your rules. When she gets hungry enough, she will come around, happy to eat within your rules. I know, this sounds mean. But strictness can be administered in a gentle, loving way.

I have two kids. One is 15, the other 9. I have learned that kids really do love adults who are strict in a loving way. It makes them feel secure to know where the fences are.

-- daffodyllady (daffodyllady@yahoo.com), March 01, 2002.

Hey Jen. I too was a preschool/license daycare provider. 1.)Talk to the parents gently and simply, something like we are having a hard time about eating at the table as expected so she may be a little hungry at supper. Make it VERY clear the food was on the table but she chose not to eat it.

2.) keep the rules simple and stick to it! Eating in the eating places, helping (to the best of her ability) to put toys away, and of course no throwing/pushing/hitting are very reasonable rules she (or any average 2 year old) can and should follow.

3.) Don't get mad! Simply restate "We eat at the table only." 'Ypu got the toys out and you will help put them away'(even if its only one for a while.) and keep saying it till she follows through. If she leaves the table do not give in between treats until whatever your set snack time is. If she walks away from putting toys ups walk her back gently and say it again.

4.) Do tell her/thank her when she has done the right thing. Don't gush it's really disrespectful/gross, and even a 2 year old sees through it or worse, will be awful for a while so they get the lavish praise when they simply do what is expected for a change (I've seen it!)

%.) Enjoy her company the rest of the time. Children who feel respected tend to try harder I have found. If they care what you think. If you don't respect them, they have no reason to care.

Hope it helps. Novina

-- Novina in ND (homespun@stellarnet.com), March 01, 2002.

I think the child is playing a mind game when she just stares at you1 They can be cinniving(sp?) little things, can't they? I think that everyone is giving you great advice! Remember, you are the adult and she is the child. It's your rules, not her way. If she gets hungry enough or thirsty enough, she'll eat and drink in the kitchen. Boy, am I glad I didn't reproduce more than I did! Oy vey!

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), March 01, 2002.

I will concede on the second one, but telling a child that the TV will not work (and not telling her that it is unplugged) is not a lie. Let her try and see for herself.

As to eating in front of the TV, I can see the rule for neatness, because kids seem to be messier in front of the TV, at least the younger ones (food gets under the couch, for instance). I'm not a big fan of "eating at table as quality family time", I guess--to me, there are better ways of spending time as a family or group than eating together. But that's me.

But she should abide by your rules. Another option is a TV armoire that you can lock up.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), March 01, 2002.

I agree with the above but wanted to share something else. My son was in daycare w/a wonderful person and the only time the TV was on when the weather was just wicked outside. We live in CO and the TV was not on much!

-- DW (djwallace@sotc.net), March 01, 2002.

when they line up to wash their hands for a meal or a snack inform them that everyone will sit down and eat, they dont have to eat, but they must sit at the table until everyone is done. give her small portions at first and do not single her out for not eating. do not give in to her. she will come around. make mealtime fun. when everyone is done eating read them a book she needs firm discipline and love. she will begin to look forward to eating. also you could ask her parents what she eats and likes at home and make a point of serving at least one of these items at lunch. i would only casually mention to the parents that she doesnt seem very hungry today if she hasnt eaten at all. provide them with blocks, puzzles- the easy kind with knobs on them and playdough, rice in a big pan with spoons and stuff. they also love ice cube trays with a little water and 3 or four colors in 3 or 4 of the ice cube containers. let them use eyedroppers to mix up the colors. these can be put on coffee filters to dry if you are so inclined. colored pencils under supervision can be used on coloring books. and the paint with water books. good luck

-- js (schlicker54@aol.com), March 01, 2002.

when they line up to wash their hands for a meal or a snack inform them that everyone will sit down and eat, they dont have to eat, but they must sit at the table until everyone is done. give her small portions at first and do not single her out for not eating. do not give in to her. she will come around. make mealtime fun. when everyone is done eating read them a book she needs firm discipline and love. she will begin to look forward to eating. also you could ask her parents what she eats and likes at home and make a point of serving at least one of these items at lunch. i would only casually mention to the parents that she doesnt seem very hungry today if she hasnt eaten at all. provide them with blocks, puzzles- the easy kind with knobs on them and playdough, rice in a big pan with spoons and stuff. they also love ice cube trays with a little water and 3 or four colors in 3 or 4 of the ice cube containers. let them use eyedroppers to mix up the colors. these can be put on coffee filters to dry if you are so inclined. colored pencils under supervision can be used on coloring books. and the paint with water books. good luck you can use a candy basket at the end of lunch and each child who eats well(not everything) may have one piece of candy as a treat. or use stickers for reinforcement. also you can let them put the stickers on a sheet on the wall. marked for each food eating session. these types of reinforcement may conduce her to eat. or let them pick out a tape to watch and let them vote on it, if all eat well.

-- js (schlicker54@aol.com), March 01, 2002.

Hello Jennifer,

Sounds like a typical two year old to me! I have three children myself and know that around two of age they are quite a challenge. Just be persistant and make sure to talk to her in words that she understands. Communication is tough for them at that age.

Sincerely,

Ernest

-- http://communities.msn.com/livingoffthelandintheozarks (espresso42@hotmail.com), March 01, 2002.

Just a thought, and I pray to be wrong-can she hear properly? A schoolmate of my son was considered a 'problem' from pre-school, the poor kid couldn't hear a thing and depended on routine to make it, thru life. (his mother was not the sharpest knife in the drawer) I come from a family of hearing impaired persons and thru a 'Parent Volunteer Day' met the child in question, because of my family experience I knew immediately,"this child can not hear." Hearing impaired persons, adults and children alike are remarkably adaptive, to enviorment and thru no intention will go to great lengths to make you believe they can hear you. So, do you think she can hear? Or perhaps she doesn't 'understand', that could be a learning disability.

-- Kathy (catfish201@hotmail.com), March 01, 2002.

Is she "normal" with her folks...ie, responsive? If so, then assume your take on it is right. Then, no tv. And, don't feed her then. i mean, offer it. if she chooses not to eat, she won't starve. However, maybe you could try and have her sit on your lap while you eat and "tempt" her into food. Give her extra cuddles at story time. Find reasons to be a "good" parent to her, and show her love. Stick with what you are doing. But, when i had day care kids like this, even though they were honestly too young to understand, I would TELL them that I loved them, but this is how we did it, and I wish they would join me.

Question: could there be something else going on? i've had total tv lobotomized kids in day care and they completely responded to me except for when they were pushing a point (but i always won!!!). Is maybe there something else going on.

Treat her with love and compassion, and don't show her different rules....but you can be a gift to her that will change her life.

-- marcee (thathope@mwt.net), March 01, 2002.

Stick to your rules. It's your house.

However, make lunch look like so much fun that she thinks she's missing out. Let the kids help fix it. Let them decorate something and then eat it. Whatever!

-- LBD (lavenderbluedilly@hotmail.com), March 02, 2002.

Been there, done that! I kept DH "great- neice" every-other-weekend for 3 years! The first six months was one battle after another! I stated our rules--she either stood and 'screamed'(at the top of her lungs) "I want my mommy" until she cried she self to sleep OR she gave me that "look". She was three when we started,parents not married,father in and out of jail, mom lied to her("Let's go visit so- in-so" after being there for a few minutes mom slipped out the back door and was gone for days!) 9 sets of grandparents who all felt sorry for her and gave in at the first tear! Her day care person watched soaps all day long(this child knew more about sex, affairs, drinking, drugs etc.than I do), smoked one cig. after the other and refused to go outside.

After six months of me standing my 'ground' the rules were set! We got along wonderful and it was fun to have her. It always took every Friday to get things back on course but by Sat. morning we were good to go! Sunday night when she was picked up she was as happy as could be but the next Fri. it was a fight all over!

Remember if you give in to her you will lose the respect of your other children!!!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), March 02, 2002.

I have a mildly autistic child and what you are saying sounds quite familiar. These children need consistency and any variance from that can be traumatic. Like the child you watch, ours does not throw fits, he simply restricts himself from the activity. Mostly eating is part of this. They (autistic children) have self imposed diets. I don't know enough about the situation to be sure, but I will tell you, eating is so difficult for these children that it's important you get them to do it when you can. What you might see as the parents spoiling them, is just one of the battles they have chosen not to fight. autistic child tend not to make eye contact. May not even speak. yet the child is only 2 yrs. maybe parents should look into testing. public school can do an evaulation at 2 1/2 years. Should be free. Best of luck don't give up. Try to be well informed before approaching the parents.

-- angela (in2toyz@webtv.net), March 03, 2002.

Jennifer,

Angela had a good suggestion. If the child is autistic you have a whole other ballgame on your hands.

-- LBD, Maryland (lavenderbluedilly@hotmail.com), March 03, 2002.