Hello all mom (or dads), I have read through all the archives and did not find anything that was what I needed. I have a six year old daughter. I call her high maintance. She is also hyper and gets wound up easily. The one problem that I do not know how to stop is that I hear "Mommy" about a 100 times a day. It seems that she needs me for everything. If it is not to do something for her it is to listen to something or just to give her my opinion. Now don't get me wrong I am more than willing to do and help my little girl if she needs me but I am begining to wonder. She cannot even play by herself without calling my name more than 4 or 5 times during a play session. I love her very much but I have so much to do during my days that I cannot give her all the attention she wants. I thought that it was because I was "babying" her. So now I gave her chores to do she cleans her own room and bathroom. She helps with her sister and helps me with some of my chores. But she is a very needy child and I want to break this before she becomes a needy woman.I don't have any idea how to handle this or is this normal? Somedays she frazzles my nerves by needing my attention so much. I have another little girl who is 16 months and although my oldest loves her so much that they share a room(by her choice). But you can tell she is always worried the baby is getting more or better treatment than her. This was a problem before the baby was born also. Please help me I can see this becoming a big problem for her as she gets older.

Jennifer

-- Jennifer (Jenniferthf@aol.com), March 07, 2002

Answers

it is very hard to break a habit like this one. maybe you can set a timer and tell her you will not answer her until the timer goes off and increase the timer time gradually. you could reward her with stickers etc. i feel for you, try and ignore her alot, and encourage her to play by herself. give her lots of different things to do, have blocks and puzzles and things to keep her attention, she has to realize you need time by yourself, and people need that time, and she should try to do it as well. try soothing music like classical to calm her down, id cut down on sugar and things that seem to make her hyper

-- js (schlicker54@aol.com), March 07, 2002.

You might want to have her evaluated for ADHD. They have behavior modification programs that she might benefit from without having to go on medication. Also, eliminate the sugar and the caffeine. Good luck!

-- Cindy in NY (cjpopeck@worldnet.att.net), March 07, 2002.

Jennifer, My 6 year old son (the youngest of 4) is somewhat like your daughter. It is perfectly allright to tell her "Mommy is busy right now, you'll have to work it out for yourself," or Mommy needs quiet time for a little while and I want you to do the same." You get the idea...have a few periods of time during each day where you sit alone and read or write or whatever and encourage her to do the same. She certainly can learn to entertain herself sometimes without you being her constant playmate. Probably as your 16 month gets a bit older, the two of them should be better able to play together for longer time spans without constant attention from you. This is something that has to be learned. You don't want a child who is always hanging with the adults and doesn't want to play with or can't get along with other children. Eventually, you will only need to stroll into the room and check on the children and then go about your housework or whatever needs to be done. Also, if you allow the older one to continue this behavior, soon the younger child will pick up on it and you'll need to entertain 2 little ones all day long. Of course, make sure to take time when you can to do something special just for the girls (reading them a story, take a walk, baking cookies, an art project,a trip to the library, etc.) Let us know how you are doing :-)

-- Cheri in NY (t.asprion@worldnet.att.net), March 07, 2002.

Jennifer -- my son was the same way. I read and read and read and...and finally I came across the Feingold diet. Lo and behold -- I cut out oranges and BINGO -- his behavior and attitudes have done a complete turnaround. I have also cut out refined sugar, and all artificial colorings and flavorings, but it was when I cut out oranges that I noticed a WORLD of change in him.

Good luck!

-- Tracy (trimmer31@hotmail.com), March 07, 2002.

I would try small time set projects, like to color one page by herself, or to go for a time set on the timer, with out caling you, for something like a gold star on the calender, then when you have a "just her and you time" talk with her and review the total of stars, and tell her about how wonderful it is that she is growing up to be thought full and considerate of others, then over the weeks increase the time apart, I would even ask if she thinks she can go longer, if only to try it out for one day, and go back to a shorter time.

One of the ways my family bonds is to have the "just you and me" things, every one knows about these special things, because every one has their own special private connection, (my 17 yr. old now knows that every body gets pretty much the same thing, but shhhh,... don't tell the younger ones)

-- Thumper/inOKC (slrldr@yahoo.com), March 07, 2002.

I would definately say that she is ADHD. I had two of them, the oldest almost 36 and the youngest almost 17. I'm ADD also. I don't recall behaving like that when I was little. My mother would have burned my little butt up if I didn't quit saying mommie. They both were on Ritalin when younger. The youngest decided she didn't like taking it a couple of years ago. She still can't do anything without me being present. I tried the sugar elimination with the older child and I didn't see much improvement. If your daughter does have ADHD or ADD she more than likely will have it for the rest of her life. They DO get better with age but they are still more clingy than a non ADHD child.

-- Sheila in NC (nannie@intrstar.net), March 07, 2002.

Seems like a normal, probably above average, very chatty little girl. Insist that she come to you with whatever she wants to say. Don't go to her unless it's an emergency. Be firm and loving. (My kids didn't do well on oranges, either.)

-- Nina (Ingardenwithcat@hotmail.com), March 07, 2002.

Try finding a good homeopath.

-- snoozy (Bunny@northsound.net), March 07, 2002.

My oldest was like this when she was 5 and 6. As it turns out, she is a very extroverted child. She LOVES school, because it's full of kids she can be with. Now that she is older she "mommy's" me less, and also visits the neighbor kids more. She still talks a lot, but no where near what she did!

I like the timer idea: my mother used a variation on that idea and it worked pretty well. We were not allowed to bug her about missing socks or other mommy jobs until she was on her second cup of coffee, which meant that the poor woman at least got breakfast in peace! There were 6 of us, LOL!

-- Terri (hooperterri@prodigy.net), March 07, 2002.

Perhaps your child simply has a more interactive personality. "People persons" tend to feel lonely a lot more easily. I think as children, "people person" personalities tend to be more clingly, especially if there is no other child present on a constant basis for them to interact with. If you find that your child does better with another child around to play with, you may want to concider doing some babysitting on a regular basis to meet her social needs.

-- daffodyllady (daffodyllady@yahoo.com), March 08, 2002.

My son was like this, very clingie and impulsive. The doctor wanted him checked for ADD but it turned out to be a food allergy. In his case, milk. There is an excellent book out, Is This Your Child? by Dr Doris Rapp that will help to see if your child does,indeed have a food allergy and how to find out which one.

Some other symtoms of my son. Bright red cheeks; occasional bright red, hot ear; impulsiveness; rash around the mouth; eyes half closed, dazed look; ear infections; misbehaving because of excitability....

If your daughter sounds like this and you would like to talk more, give me a call. Also there is a site called Parents of Allergic Children that has alot of information.

Please, please don't put your daughter on Ritalin until you look into this first.

-- Dee (gdgtur@goes.com), March 08, 2002.

Jennifer:

Our daughter is definitely high maintenance....and NOT ADHD OR ADD.... She drives us nuts and is a delight! She has lost a lot of it by the age of 11.... I must say, it has been a challenge, and I know what you are talking about . We did (and do) a lot of "If it is important, come here.' or "I am busy" or "You will need to wait until I am done..." ie...our son lets us know that it is her distintive personality. The "neediness" in her we always thought of as the "drama queen"...the need for attention. Frankly, we have gone to great effort to put her in situations to USE her drama when we have been able to do so, giving her an outlet, and have fostered her friendships with children who do lots of intense play (ie drama situations, where she can dress up and be "queen" ).

I didn't think of her as being "needy" so much and "intense". I saw this as an asset. I worked hard on fostering her independence, not responding to her ridiculous dramas, and now at the age of 11, she is becoming more self-aware of the weaknesses of her personality, and building upon the other side of it......the strengths.

We let her talk us into trying out school a couple of years ago, but it made it all more difficult. She has been home almost a year, and it is so much easier. I ascribe this to her aging and maturing, and me not "catering" to her whims in her drama, but also answering her true needs in a loving way.

Good luck with her, and love her, but also be strict with your expectations...but that is just my opinion

-- marcee (thathope@mwt.net), March 08, 2002.

Lots of the suggestions above are great and most assuredly worth a try. Not all will work on YOUR daughter but some will. We have a late life child who was clingy and all and figured out some of it was needing constant assurance. This is related to having a "life of her own." She needed to have something in her life she did all of her own, that we did not do. She needed to be proud of HER accomplishment. Our answer, and it worked and gave her her own confidence, was to put her in Tennis lessons through the USTA. Run locally in our town. This was the beginning of her having her own life, separate from ours. Really made a difference. Seems to me your daughter is too closely associated with the baby. Her life is the baby, and she does not understand why your life is the baby right now. You need to have someone babysit the baby and just the two of you head on out to see that she accomplishes something on her own, of her own. This is a separation, but fun! Try the local YMCAfor swim lessons and team, acrobatics, other things, dance maybe. She will fight it at first and be less than enthusiastic. But proceed anyway and stay there if you have to the first 2-3 times. You are THE MOM. Annette

-- a.eadie (eadie@adelphia.net), March 08, 2002.

My daughter (now 8) was very much the same.A little over a year ago while examining my daughter for stubborn cold symptoms that wouldn't go away,our Dr. found she had a Goiter. A blood test found that she has Hoshimotos Hypo-Thyroid. They put her on Thyroid medication and we noticed a big differance. She is more independant and focused. I would say also that time was a great benefit as well. She grew out of some of her neediness as she began reading writing and started keeping a journel as soon as she began sounding out words.Although she still is high maintenance , she is far better about needing constant attention and approval.

-- Raya Amick (Raya2448@ivillage.com), March 08, 2002.

I have two kids, one much more clingy than the other. I would suggest two things-when my kids were smaller, (hey, sometimes we still do this) after lunch we had quiet time and the rule was every one had to do something quiet on thier bed such as color, read, play dolls or little cars-now they can do something in thier rooms. No tv, video games computers-only very quiet music. They could not get me unless:The house was on fire, or there was blood. This helped us all tremendously-be firm! you need some time too!

The second is (if possible) let her be with other people away from you-is there a friend or relitive that can take her out for a half hour, or even over night? Can a friend come over and play-better let, can she go over to a friends house?

I agree that allergies can wreck havoc with kids-mine have allergies and the difference in them now and a year ago-before the changed diet and allergy shots is tremendous. I'd look at that before I thought about ADHD.

-- Kelly (homearts2002@yahoo.com), March 09, 2002.

Here is one for you. Just give her more attention. A child generally doesn't crave attention unless she doesn't feel she is getting enough. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child wanting time and attention from mommy. I know there maybe times when she wants more than you have time to give. When this happens simply step outside and really consider whether or not it is your priorities out of order or hers. If you really feel that this is one of those times you simply can't attend to her, then simply tell her that you will not come to her until you are done with what you are doing. If she continues, send her to her room for awhile. Children require lots of attention. My little daughter(4) follows me from room to room and feels she needs to be near me. I allow her to, as I think it is important that she be able to model after me. If you don't want a needy child, and then a needy adult, then lavish the attention on them while they are young. You have to ask yourself why this child feels that you don't want her around so much that she can't stand to be without you. Now I am not saying that this is your fault. I am simply saying that children do not see things from our adult mindset. We cannot expect them to be little adults. Children are little people. The fastest way to create a needy adult is to ignore a needy kid. For instance, the daughter who gets no attention from her father is likely the daughter who seeks attention from every man as an adult. The logic you are using is backwards. Your child may feel you distancing yourself from her and reacts the way any human reacts to that. She tries to hold on tightly. My question is, what is deep inside yourself that is making you run from the intimacy of the relationship with your daughter? Perhaps it is time to let her catch you. The suggestions about ritalin just frighten me to death for the children in this nation. Every child who wants time from Mommy and Daddy do not have ADHD.

Little Bit Farm

-- Little bit Farm (littlebit@farm.com), March 09, 2002.

I can sympathize with you. I have 7 kids, all have ADD or ADHD. I have it, too and am teaching them to use all that energy. I sit down with my kids, individually, for 15-30 minutes each day. I set a timer and each child has my UNDIVIDED attention for that amount of time. What a difference it has made! It has virtually stopped all the Mommy, Mommy, Mommies. (Even from my extremely verbal daughter!)

-- Gayle Smith (gayleannesmith@yahoo.com), March 09, 2002.