I just wanted you to know I discovered this website through a Dear Abby column in the Oakland Press Newspaper (southeastern Michigan publication)- and have found it very informative!

As a female survivor I have written a workbook for female survivors and have started doing some speaking engagements. I have OFTEN wondered about how domestic violence works when it's the man who is abused and reading your stories answers many of my questions.

People are people - male or female - and it is sad that it takes society so long to catch up reality and realize that all people - male or female - are capable of violence.

My thoughts to you are are to continue working to educate the public and remember a time in history when people didn't believe women were abused - they were just having 'family problems'.

I hope you will find SOME level of comfort knowing that the criminal justice system STILL is not completely educated enough about domestic violence in general and that woman also contnie to have constant struggles to get the 'law on their side'.

All abusers - male or female - are very good at the mind games and can lie and manipulate the sytem to their advanatage. They know how we think, what makes us tick and how to keep us feeling guilty so we don't leave them. I do have a neighbor that was ordered to 'batterer classes' when it was his WIFE that was the psycho! Very very sad.

Funny though. Somehow HE ended up with custody of the kids! There is hope you guys. Get educated about the cycle of violence. Be smart and get safe.

The legal system has a long way to go. I beleive that an officer either 'gets it' or he or she 'doesn't'. There never seems to be any 'middle ground'. I have even found the female officers seem to be LESS sympathetic with women that are abused. Strange huh?

My best girlfriend died a few weeks ago - fom what I call a 'side-effect' of domestic violence. She had hepatitis C and was not supposed to drink. She knew that and didn't drink. But her stalker ex-husband fially drove her over the edge. After four years of being stalked, with very little help from the legal system, she gave up and began to drink. Within four months she was dead.

Society needs to begin to understand the mental and emotional strain that victims deal with day in and day out. Had socety been able to help her - to keep this guy away from her. She might be alive today. In fact, I KNOW she would be alive today.

I am speaking in Lansing, Michian to a group of judges, police officers, probabtion officers, and court workers next week. My personal goal is to get them to understand the 'mental control' that abusers have on their partners. To answer the question of why women stay with men that hurt them. (Because they are afraid to leave!) ... among other issues such as kids, finances, etc.

When I speak and when I listen to others speak, I will be thinking about all of you and trying to learn more about the flip-side of the coin. I have only personally met one man who admitted to being physically abused by his wife. My thoughts to you are continue educating the world about your plight.

Also .... if any of you like music... I have a friend who has a song called "Say It". She is an accomplished acoustic songwriter/ performer in the Detroit area. If you ever need a lift, check out her website, click on the album called "Merry Wicked" (weird name for an album, I know) and read the words to the song, "Say It".

It encourages victims to not be afraid to get it out into the open. My favorite line talks about the abusive partner...."Monsters by night, peacocks by day." .... true don't you think?

She says..."So you're keeping a secret, you've got in buried in your backyard. Now it's found it's way under your pillow at night....just say it, say it, say it. Be over it right now. Drag it into the sun, let's see how bad it is. Just say it.."

Great motivator when you need a lift! I believe her website is www.lizlarin.net .....if not, just type in Liz Larin and Detroit and you'll track it down.

Good Luck gentlemen!

MK

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002

Answers

Thank you. I'm a man that has been being abused by my wife. I'm much larger so I said it was ok because she couldn't hurt me. Well i finally called the police on the 5th of March. All she had to do was claim I hit her and I went to jail. I guess it's hard to imagine a 145 lb woman attacking a 235 lb man. I've found that the dv system in N. Idaho is keyed exclusivly to women. She was given a ticket so I guess not all is lost. I just feel alone. I was not allowed to return home or see my children.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2002

Since you are in a position to educate, don't just "think" of us when you are giving lectures. Talk about us. Ron Montgomery (John #1)

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

SORRY TO HEAR YOUR STORY, BUT WELCOME TO THE PREJUIDCE WORLD OF THE HOMOSEXUAL. I KNOW IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD, NOW MAYBE THINGS CAN CHANGE.

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2002