Imagine my surprise when word filtered into Sunderland yesterday evening that I was the head coach of OK's team for this weekend's Tio-Mila. Imagine the honor! But also, so much to do, so little time.

Some things of course are taken care of. The team -- Sanna, Spike, Snorkel, Mook, Mary, Keith, Gene, Peggy, Nadim, and Magnus -- is rock solid. The running order is just as it should be. The fitness is there, the experience is there. There's even a top-notch coaching staff with Swampfox, JJ, and Kenny.

The only thing missing is a strategy. But then that's what head coaches are for.

I suggest the following:

It should be clear that the goal is to win. Since we are not planning on even showing up, that goal becomes somewhat more difficult to attain. But not impossible.

This is where we have to look for inspiration to one of our coaching staff, namely Swampfox, and cast our eyes back 16 years to day 4 of the 1986 Franch 6-Day. Before most of the world knew what hackers were, Swampfox hacked the system. So what if he only went to half the controls, so what if the last eight controls all had the same punch, he had the fastest time and he had a punch in every box and that was good enough for the French. The headline in the paper the next morning read: "Le Surprise Americain"

So, our computer experts Kenny and JJ have their assignment. Let's just imagine what the final results might show!

And Swampfox, meanwhile, known as he is for his skills with the written word and his imaginative interpretations of current events, needs to be hard at work on writing the history of OK's triumph at the 2002 Tio-Mila.

So there's the plan. I'll be dancing the evening away at NEOC's 30th anniversary party while I await the results.....

-- peter (pg@crocker.com), April 24, 2002

Answers

What a coach. I feel inspired! I plan to do whatever it takes to win (...as long as it doesn't interfere with running the red course at the Chicago A-meet this weekend).

-- Michael (meglin@juno.com), April 25, 2002.

And Swampfox, meanwhile, known as he is for his skills with the written word and his imaginative interpretations of current events, needs to be hard at work on writing the history of OK's triumph at the 2002 Tio-Mila.

Don't underestimate Mook's writing abilities. Even with running the Long Night, he should be able to make some writen contributions.

-- Michael (meglin@juno.com), April 25, 2002.

I would feel a little bit more "comfortable" with our chances if Swampfox were on the team. After all he is the only one among us proven to be a bonafide bogus contender in this type of international competition. I remember seeing the chalk board where the Canadians were staying and it said "Le Bogus American" I think they were bitter.

-- Snorkel (danielmeenehan@aol.com), April 25, 2002.

(to Snorkel) But remember that it was the same Canadians who a year later at the team leaders meeting before the World Champioship RELAY asked what provisions had been made for the transport of clothing from the start to the finish. There were a fresh round of laughter as this was translated into each additional language.....

(to team members) Now is the time for brushing up on a couple of skills that you should need this weekend:

1. It should be clear that the point of the hand-off between incoming and outgoing runners is not that it be done as fast as possible, but that it be done as dramatically and as slowly as possible to provide the best photo opportunities. While I expect everyone to produce something noteworthy, the key handoff is at the end of leg 8 (Peggy to Nadim), since they are the only one of our three couples who are running adjacent legs.

You need to do something special -- think "cover of the next Skogssport" or better yet, "cover of Expressen or AftonBladet" (the national tabloids), think what would really, really embarass your parents -- and then go for it and remember to take your time. Nadim can always catch back up to the leaders (Kenny and JJ will take care of that).

2. Everyone needs to be able to answer the question: "How is it possible that OK is leading/ has won the Tio-Mila?" Suggested answers can range from a haughty "We trained hard and expected to win" to an emotional and grateful "We owe it all to our coaches."

-- peter (pg@crocker.com), April 25, 2002.

I regret to inform that I didn't get past the "m" in "OK's triumph" before the Gods became totally infuriated at the travesty I was about to participate in, and fortunately at that point they hurled down a lightning bolt which shattered my pen.

-- Swampfox (wmikell@earthlink.net), April 26, 2002.