My dear butterfly;

I'm ready for an asterisk. Just because I've absolved you of wallowing in guilt puddles with respect to your generation of a level of response that corresponds to my unsolicited (though implied "appreciated", "enjoyed immensely" and, in certain moments, even "loved") output to you doesn't mean that you're free of the contractural obligation you created last Fall when you said you'd send me an asterisk now and then.

Unless, of course, you're ready to hop out of the contract (though you've stated otherwise when asked) and pull me off your radar screen.

If, OTOH, you still feel that our light lines are gentle enough for you to continue, let me put words in your mouth for a moment and suggest:

-- that you still feel discomfort at the "asymmetry of flows" between us (due to what? your reputation as a writer, perhaps, requiring a certain magnitude of response or none at all?) and only *say* that you don't because you think you shouldn't;

--that what I write stimulates you and inspires you, and to send a measly * would only put insult to what you feel about this connection with me;

--that when you face the periodic fact that you need to walk with me, and talk to me, and hold my hand again it makes you feel frustrated with the pickled soup you're in with respect to control of your time and your life and so, in effect, I become an unpleasant reminder of what frustrates you, rather than a source of joy and friendship...

Lest you continue to worry that size makes a difference:

THE BUTTERLY EFFECT

"...Lorenz discovered *sensitivity to initial conditions*: in nonlinear systems in a state of chaos - like climate [or we two] - positive feedback can quickly amplify tiny differences in initial value of a variable into huge differences in outcome or "solution". Differences in initial value of a variable as tiny as the tenth decimal place [ your "*", for ex. ] can cause huge differences in the trajectory of the variables."

"The difference in initial value is equivalent to the tiny breeze caused by a butterfly's wings influencing the development of a hurricane...[but the butterfly] doesn't necessarily *cause* the hurricane...In the systems view, the hurricane has many causes equivalent to trillions of trillions of butterfly wings - but a single butterfly could be the determining factor in whether it develops or not..." Alder Stone Fuller, ProtoTista http://www.prototista.org

I am *truly* content for you to be the butterfly in our current phase space at this time. I'll remain the hurricane. The beat of your wings does not cause me, nor does it create a deterministic equation that in any way pretends to predict an outcome. The pulse of your heart, whenever it phases with mine, may simply be a delightful coincidence from which no other conclusion can be drawn other than - at times - we beat together.

But heart beat, or wing beat, the pattern of pulse is the same. The reason may evade; its purpose remain obscure. The melody of whatever's unfolding may lie so lightly between the moments we name that a single thought or observation may disturb it - or fan it fully into being. There is no way to know.

And yet, no amount of reasoned understanding removes the place in me that wonders about you, and listens for your voice, and hopes for an asterisk now and then.

love,

Cynthia

"Most of nature is very, very complicated. How could one describe a cloud? A cloud is not a sphere...A mountain? A mountain is not a cone...If you want to speak of clouds, of mountains, of rivers, of lightning, the geometric language of school is inadequate..." Benoit Mandelbrot

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-- cabeal@efn.org www.skymind.org "...All We Lea

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2002