I'm sorry guys, but I need advice. I have managed to fall hard for a guy that lives 9 hours from me...which doesn't seem that far until you are actually trying to plan the whole meeting halfway on the weekends thing...anyway, I was wondering if anyone else has experience with dealing with this? It is driving me insane to be paying terribly expensive cell bills and not being able to actually see him...and it goes the same for him.

Sorry that this sounds so long winded and run-on-ish...

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2002

Answers

Tami -

If you really want to give it a try- work with him to arrange things so you live closer together. You said it's driving you insane - do you really think that by keeping up the 9-hour thing you will feel differently? You'll probably get worse, and the relationship will suffer.

If you really fell for him, (and I assume he's fallen for you..?) then it's worth starting a new job. One or both of you has got to move if this will work

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2002

I forgot to add UNTIL we move in september...

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2002

I was in a long distance relationship for a while (until I moved to be with the guy), and I don't know what I would have done without instant messenger. I mean, I was already paying for internet access and AIM is free, so it really helped. You can even talk through it, if you both have a mic and speakers. That will save on the phone bills.

-- Anonymous, May 27, 2002

Tami, in regard to the phone/cell bill problem, have you checked out the free long distance programs through the different cell providers? The reason I say this is because I recently changed my plan with Cingular and I have free nights & weekends with no long distance charges. And, I don't pay for roaming if I am calling from within my cell area. This worked out well when my boyfriend was traveling to Minneapolis a lot for work. He would ring my phone and I would call him back on my cell from our house and not pay for any long distance or roaming.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

Word. Sprint's $40 a month for 4,000 minutes (350 anytime / 3650 after 9 p.m. and on the weekends) has done more for my relationship than anything else.

Also, trying to see each other -- even if it's just once every couple of months or so -- makes all the difference. We're going on our longest time between visits right now (two months) and it's annoying, even though there's a very big light at the end of the tunnel.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

Tami, it sucks. I know. But it can be good for you. I went through this period of my life where I dated three guys in a row who were all out of town. Hours away. And when I sat alone in my apartment, I would think to myself... "Thank GOD."

I just took the time to relax and realize that this was the only time in my life that I could be in love with someone without having the intensity of day-to-day contact; without having someone in my face all the time having expectations of me and making demands of me, no matter how much I would have enjoyed meeting their expectations or demands were they there.

When I read over that, it sounds like I have a very negative view about relationships, but that is not at all what I mean. I am just saying that being able to look at something at arm's length for a while makes you understand and appreciate it more.

Chris and I spent almost a year five hours apart, seeing each other every two weeks. It gave us the opportunity to get to know each other in a different way, and to handle our own personal biz on a day- to-day basis without having to consider each other in every decision making process.

Am I making sense? I don't know. But it worked out nicely for a while. And now that we live together, we enjoy each other more because we know how to be together and apart. (I gotta tell you, though, regarding the expense - I hope we're never apart again, because both of us almost went broke from the phone and travel bills. It was a wonderful time in my life, but I couldn't afford it. When I happily paid that monthly phone bill, that's how I knew I really loved him.)

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

I mean, I've been doing the New York-to-Atlanta LDR for almost two years now, and before that my college boyfriend and I spent the bulk of our last two years apart. And there are advantages to it, like Al said, like getting the benefits of a relationship without having the day-to-day stresses.

About the only way The Nonsmoker and I have been able to do it is talk on the phone every night. The worst period we went through was also the time when he didn't have a cell phone and I had very few ways to reach him. Last year we saw each other about once every four to six weeks, and Lord, even with AirTran, you would not want to see my travel bills at the end of the year. This year, like I've said, we've managed to go longer, but the longer we go the harder it gets.

And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about trying to do the day-to-day thing starting in two months (two! months!) after being an LDR for so long.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

I second (third?) the talking a lot thing. It helps if you're in constant communication and if you *always* have a trip planned. It's when you don't know when you'll see each other again that it gets extra hard.

LDRs are tricky and success stories like Chris and Al's are few and far between, but if you think he's worth it, then he is.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

Okay, so my relationship is only a couple of hours apart, but neither of us has a car. So seeing each other is a bit more limited anyway and depends at times on other people's cooperation (rides, etc.).

We talk on the phone every night, usually even if we don't have much to say. He has some kind of unlimited-after-8 thing on his cell plan, so he calls me. Sadly, he doesn't have net access at his house and isn't likely to get it any time soon (no point in getting a landline for the Internet if you plan on moving in some months), so that hasn't really been an option for us. I usually have a trip planned to see him. I go to his place most weekends (barring family obligations like I've had this whole month, ugh) because he has to work then. When he gets two days off in a row, he comes to see me. Those trips are a lot more unexpected due to his boss being weird about time off, but it can be fun to come home after a crappy day and have him stroll into your place a half hour later. Course, that's not usually an option for most people, and it's not always convenient to do a weekend thing on my part either.

It's good that we talk on the phone every day, and it's weird when I've been stuck at a relative's house and haven't been able to talk to him. The one tricky thing about that that is much easier to deal with in person is when you run out of new things to say to each other. I currently have a dull job (or at least, there's not much interesting I can say about my days when they're over), so I usually don't have much to say about my day. If nothing weird or funny or awful or interesting happened at his work, we can run out of "new topics" real quick. That's when the conversation often degenerates into me saying random silly things or him playing a video game while on the phone and me laughing at him yelling at the game. Once you've run out of stuff to say, it is kind of like "why am I still on the phone?", even though you don't want to hang up the connection. Hence why the nonsense. In person you can just be quiet because you're still together.

Honestly, I don't know how the day-to-day thing is going to go. It's not happening for over a year, though. I've gotten tastes of it when he's been staying here, but I do get nervous about the living- together thing. He doesn't seem too dissuaded by my lack of domesticity, though.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2002

I'm currently doing Switzerland-New Hampshire, which sucks but will thankfully be ending soon. And last year we were about two and a half hours apart, which was also rather difficult as I was a full- time student, busy on weekdays, and he was a full-time retail worker who always had to work weekends.

It's all about the telephone and e-mail. Really. And even if you talk regularly and send e-mail, it's also really nice to send letters or postcards sometimes, just because it's something concrete. Or even little care packages with fun things in them.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

"It helps if you're in constant communication and if you *always* have a trip planned. It's when you don't know when you'll see each other again that it gets extra hard." -- HB
(emphasis mine)

Ditto ditto ditto. Word on this. This is the only way. With Gramm and I, even though we are officially "dating other people," we try to be planning at least six weeks out, and have our next two weekends set. We've also set the rule of no more than one month between visits, no matter what we have to do. Now, he's in Dallas, only 3-4 hours away, so it's not quite as bad, but an LDR of any amount of D can be hard.

And, like (I think it was) WG that said, be especially appreciative of what you have now that you won't soon... plenty of alone time and no smothering and no checking in, etc. Not that you will necessarily lose all that... but appreciate it anyway!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Okay, no, it was Allison that said it, but still. It's true!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Dude, if I lose all my alone time upon moving, there will be more things wrong than just the sharpness of our knives, if you follow me.

'Cause sometimes a girl's just got to get lost in Borders. And so on.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Marcus & I have been in an LDR for all but 6 months of our relationship, I in Toronto, he in England, and I can heartily second, third, and fourth all of the benefits and frustrations that Al, WG, PG & others have mentioned. Calls, emails, and regularly planned visits have been the keys to our success. It didn't hurt that Marcus was willing to give up his job and move to Canada for 6 months while I finished up grad school.

Right now, things are really tough, because we are back to being LD after just enough time of blissful togetherness to build the beginning of a life together, and it's a period of great uncertainty: I finished my degree, but I don't have a permanent job yet. I don't know where I'll be come the end of August, and until I find out, Marcus can't buy a plane ticket to come over. But I find that it hasn't made anything about our relationship itself more difficult, which is a big comfort. We still talk at least 4 times a week, and email every day, and I think we're both regarding this summer as an endurance test.

It also helps that we're getting married in October; were keeping our eyes on the prize, as it were.

So, yeah, what everyone else said. At the very least, it'll be a learning experience for you. If it goes well, huzzah! If not, you'll know not to get involved in an LDR in the future.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

If not, you'll know not to get involved in an LDR in the future.

Amen. As it stands now, I won't even date anyone who lives outside the perimeter.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

See, that's smart. You've got to know your limits. Every relationship I've ever had has taught me something about that, and I'm glad, because otherwise, I'd still be pinballing back and forth between the same couple of guy-types I was attracted to when I was 18.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Thanks guys. I needed to know that maybe we can make it through this without being nuts. :) We have been working on the cell bill thing...he works for a Verizon dealer so we have gotten our bills under control, thank goodness. It may have taken some bill credits and me having a huge plan, but its better. He just moved to a new place, where he can't get cable net service and there is no reason for him to have dialup so I guess we will have to work around that. My work schedule is insane...so when I get a couple days we generally try to get together...I got to spend four days with him last week so I feel better. I guess I will just have to keep telling myself to have patience! Thanks for all the terrific advice, guys.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002