So, y'all. How do you handle the stage where you and your shmoopy have two separate apartments, still, but spend 6 out of 7 nights a week together, and 5 out of those 6 at the apartment with the satellite TV?

How much stuff do you keep where? What kind of chores do you do? How do you explain that you'd rather eat out than try to chop veggies with his inferior knives?

Or, you know, whatever issues you people have run across.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

Answers

Or what if you're not planning on living together, but you're still going to have to explain to your parents where the TV, the VCR, and the kitchen set magically appeared from?

As for your last question, Hannah: could you buy him a whole new set of knives for his birthday? Or as a random present? Have a two-of- you Iron Chef party and pretend to be all Morimoto-san with the new knives?

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

Oh, believe me, if I could afford another set of knives, he'd be thrilled to have them. As it is, the knives always seem to be at one apartment and the onions at another.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

My next album will be titled The Knives at One Apartment and the Onions at Another.

Anyway.

A couple people have asked me if The Nonsmoker and I are going to move in together, and I'm all, Are you kidding? The boy's going to be working at least one job, possibly two, and going to school -- he'll need some time away from me. And both of us are going to need time just to adjust to being in the same city again.

I suspect he'll keep a spare toothbrush, change of clothes, etc., at my place, and he's promised to cook for me on occasion, but I doubt he'll be spending more than four nights a week with me.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2002

Just in case anyone was wondering, I would be more than happy to receive a nice set of knives as a gift on any ocassion. I realize this may put me in the minority of men, but when Al and I went a- registerin' the other weekend I spent a good hour deciding on the cookware and knives I wanted. I'm crazy for that stuff.

I am in particular need of a new set of knives at the moment as one of the not-so-great ones we have at present decided it didn't like me last night and put a nice big gash in my finger as I was trying to slice up some sweet, sweet vidalia onion.

I took that as a sign.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2002

Well... hm. I did the all-but-living-together thing with an ex because we were in the same town, and now shack up with my fiance or vice versa for a few days at a time because we don't.

I actually don't leave stuff at a guy's place other than books of mine he's reading, mainly because I don't want to lose or forget about them (especially when it'll take a week or two for me to fetch them back) and then it turns out I need them. The boy and I discuss leaving clothes at each other's places so we don't have to pack so much, but I keep thinking "But what if I want to wear that top for something here and it's down there?" and haven't done it yet. My ex used to leave a bag of stuff at my place, though.

Chores... well, I don't do chores at anyone else's house beyond putting away dishes or stuff. With my ex I suspected he would have adored it if I'd gone and cleaned his house all the time like other exes of his did, but I really didn't want to feel like his unpaid maid (which was kind of the vibe I got about it). That and he lived out in the country and you could find nasty large bugs, spiders, toads, snakes, wild cats, etc. in his house at any given moment, and I really didn't like poking around in certain areas, if you know what I mean. My fiance is currently living at his grandma's (long nasty landlord-being-an-ass story), so I don't want to intrude on her territory. Mainly I just feel weird treating a place I don't officially live in as my home, even if I've been told to.

However... he DOES seem to feel free to do whatever he wants to at my place. While I've been at work he's gone and rearranged my furniture for better access to plugs and whatnot and cleaned my room. (I didn't think he'd actually DO it, mind you...) He also does the cooking when here because he likes doing it. I, on the other hand, beg to go eat out at the slightest opportunity.

As for knives, my boy has more issues with my roommate's cookware than I do with stuff at his place. He looked over at some of her bowls and went "Ugh, they look dirty." (Good thing she didn't hear that.) He, however, is rather finicky about that stuff. Mainly he just goes to look around for something else he'll deign to use.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2002

Hannah, I totally know what you mean with the knives. Fortunately for me, C has gotten a few really nice Wusthofs right before we met. It's a tricky issue - do you buy a knife roll and keep a handy 8-inch chef's knife with you at all times? The drawbacks there are being stopped on campus or for a traffic stop and trying to explain to the officer that your boyfriend has crappy knives and as you're cooking there and he has nothing in his kitchen that could slice a tomato... really, by carrying your own knives with you you're just asking for trouble. Is his birthday coming up? Perhaps he could ask his dad to buy him a good knife.

Having said that, when I was spending most of my time with C when we were dating, I did start keeping my food processor at his place. I mean, I was in this little apartment and he was in a brand new townhouse with a gas oven and corian countertops. That was a no- brainer. But, we didn't Live Together until we were sure we were going to get married. I have to say that unless you are engaged or you are both confident that engagement is on the way, like, with a ring and a wedding date, don't live together. Don't live together as a trial to see if it will work out, and don't live together because it's convenient. Don't live together for economic reasons. Believe me, it is a PAIN to be paying rent for an apartment where you are really only storing your winter clothes and your mattress. I have been there. But it's not worth sliding into something permanent because it's the easy alternative (not that I think that's the situation with you and The Jeff, at all).

There's also the phone test: if your boyfriend is at your apartment hanging out, are you comfortable with him answering your phone? Are you comfortable answering the phone at his place? Readily answering the phone at C's house was a big step for me, even when I was spending five nights a week there.

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2002

T!!!!!!!!!! I knew you'd have some wise words for me when you got back. How's married life???

We have no move in together plans until I graduate, at the earliest, and by then we also plan on being engaged, don't you fear. I've started insisting on him staying at my place certain nights a week, which works well, actually- we get videos to make up for my lack of cable, if necessary. And we routinely make my place the place for our Sunday of leisurely paper reading.

I've also started keeping things like my blowdryer in a gym bag in my car, so I have it with me wherever. I don't keep much at the Jeff's beyond face soap and a toothbrush, but I do think some knives will be a present at some point. If I win on Jeopardy!, for sure. Though your knive roll idea sounds intriguing.

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2002

Mayn. Now I feel all commitmentphobic next to Hannah.

I don't even know what condition The Nonsmoker's knives are in. He doesn't even know if he still has them, considering they were stored with an ex-arrangement (in the PG sense of the word) he hasn't spoken to since before he met me.

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2002