My wife and I are both Catholics and were wed in a courthouse for convenience. We got married because we wanted to travel and work in different countries and the only way to obtain certain visas was if we were husband and wife. We knew one day we would get TRULY married but didn't think it was the best time to settle down and have children etc. No-one actually knows we have got married - we are both practising Catholics and we aren't living together. The time has come and we have decided that we want to settle down together and have a family but we've come across this huge problem - getting our marriage validated! Our families don't know about our 'situation' and we dare not tell them. We are well known to the parish priest and can't tell him either. Does anyone have to know? Can't we just go ahead with the ceremony as normal but 'leave out' the civil side or does someone have to be told? Can we go abroad and get married where no-one knows us?

-- Thomas Evans (thomasjain@hotmail.com), January 10, 2003

Answers

It would be best to seek a priest's guidance on this - if not your own parish priest, then some other priest. However, I expect that since you are not currently married in the eyes of the Church, it would not be a matter of "validating" your "marriage", but rather a matter of marrying. What you have done previously would not have to be made public, but it should be presented in confidence to the priest; otherwise how can he give you correct guidance? As for going abroad and marrying there, I would think that would raise a lot of questions with your family. Besides, the Church does not approve of "secret" marriages of any kind - even if the intent is to later reveal that you are married. That's why the Church publishes the "banns of marriage" prior to the ceremony.

-- Paul (PaulCyp@cox.net), January 10, 2003.

Jmj

Paul, you rightly told Thomas:
"What you have done previously would not have to be made public, but it should be presented in confidence to the priest; otherwise how can he give you correct guidance?"

I would go on to say: "What both of you have done previously must be presented in confidence to a priest. Otherwise, how can he give each of you absolution for your sins of fornication?"
[Well, I guess I am assuming something there, perhaps unfairly. It is possible that Thomas and his wife have remained chaste since their courthouse ceremony, if it was merely a marriage of "convenience."]

Paul, you stated: "the Church publishes the 'banns of marriage' prior to the ceremony."

Although "banns" are still used on some places (perhaps many), it is no longer possible to make a blanket statement about them. The 1983 Code of Canon Law states:
"Canon 1067 -- The Episcopal Conference is to lay down norms concerning the questions to be asked of the parties, the publication of marriage banns, and the other appropriate means of enquiry to be carried out before marriage. ..."

I believe that the USCCB's norms allow for banns to be optional. The Diocese of Wilmington does not use them. My own (very orthodox) diocese does not use them.

I recall reading that, because our society has become so transient -- with one or more of the engaged couple very often having lived in a distant place -- banns are not nearly as useful as they once were. Also, record-keeping can now be done on computers, so automated checks of sacramental records can be done, producing a more accurate result than banns. These are a couple of reasons for which banns have been falling into disuse.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), January 11, 2003.