Hi Jackiea,

I was thinking about you and wondering how you and your family are doing? How is your husband doing during this difficult time?

I found a very good Catholic site today and want to share it with you. Father Pat has a crisis page on his site and it is very interesting, uplifting, supportive and encouraging and you can sign up for a 9-day Novena which will be e-mailed to you every day.

Here is the address: http://frpat.com/

I received my first Novena today and love it!

God Bless, Jackiea and hope each day finds you feeling more peaceful. Grief is a strange process. I think I mentioned it on the forum - we can go along for periods of time feeling okay, and then the pain hits us full force. It takes time, lots of time, and lots of prayer. ml

-- MaryLu (mlc327@juno.com), January 31, 2003

Answers

This appears on the Web Site, Father Pat's Place at: http://frpat.com Visit the more than 100 pages of this Site. Click Here.

When we lose someone close to us, when our health or security are threatened, whenever we face a great loss in our lives, we lose control. That's certainly not easy. The process of working through those losses is a difficult and confusing one. It can make us feel like we are losing our mind. The feelings come and go so unexpectedly. Just when we think things are all better, the feelings come back and are worse than ever. People who face losses in their lives go through certain stages. It all sounds so clinical, but I can tell you through personal experience that it is very true. I lost both my parents, my mom when I was 21 years old, my dad when I was 26. I have spent a great deal of time dealing with these losses and have come to understand that what the experts tell us is really true. These are the stages we all go through.

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The Grief Process

1. Denial [Numbness]. The body protects us from what is really happening. The experience does not seem real. We can go through the motions at the time of loss and sometimes through the time of the funeral as through we are spectators watching from a distance. This can be a stage of bargaining as well, telling God we will do or change anything if the person can be brought back. Over a period of time, reality is faced. It is important to talk about it , not to keep it at a distance with frantic activity, pills or alcohol.

2. Anger. May be directed at the doctor, nurses, ambulance people, anyone who could have saved the person, at innocent bystanders, God, ourselves, the person who died, the clergy person or even someone else who has not lost that particular relative or loved one.

3. Guilt. Guilt is anger turned toward ourselves. None of us is as kind, sensitive or thoughtful as we would like to be. We may feel bad about things we have said or done to hurt the person who has died. Since there is not time for apologies, we can be left with unfinished business. In the messy business of daily living, we do the best we can - and thank God for those who love us in our imperfections. Guilt can extend to our failure to see the future or to prevent the death. We can say a million times, "If only . . ." We can even feel guilty when we find ourselves having a good time or forgetting about our grief for a period of time.

4. Depression. A heavy pall hanging over everything. In our minds nothing will ever be all right again. Depression paralyzes us. The simplest and most ordinary jobs become almost impossible for us to do. Looking forward to tomorrow or anything is impossible. This is the most difficult and frightening stage. We need to strive to talk and to keep those who seem to withdraw from us involved in daily life.

5. Acceptance. The time emerges when we begin to believe we will make it through. That doesn't mean things will be the same as they were or that we won't miss the person any more, but it means things will be all right. We can talk about the loved one and remember them often, but we go on with life. We can find that our experience of loss can be very helpful to others facing similar losses. As we share their grief with them, we can find that contact healing for us as well.

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God Cares!

God Cares. Sometimes our feelings about God become involved in the process of grieving. We can blame Him for what has happened or wonder why he didn't stop it. We may have come to believe that God punishes us for doing wrong. We may think someone else besides our loved one would be more deserving of death. Those who call and come to the funeral home may say things that confuse and anger us: that the death is God's will, that it is a blessing, that God needed a good person in heaven. Many of us have come to deeper faith through our loss. We have come to believe that God is at least as upset about our loss as we are. After all, He lost His only Son. After all, Jesus stood and wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus. Even Jesus was not spared death. If we can make it to the point where we don't blame God for what has happened, we can begin receiving the real help he wishes to give us. We can see Him in family and friends to maintain contact and offer to help. We can receive his strength, understanding and consolation when we see Him in those who listen to how we feel. We can experience the joy of Jesus promise of forgiveness and eternal life, even in the times when we struggle the most. We can come to see that God has not abandoned us at all, but that he carries us through the most difficult times.

It's confusing. The grief stages come and go. Just as we feel we are finished with one, it comes back again. Other people, situations, holidays, news stories, etc. continue to remind us of the person we have lost. We need to remember that what we are feeling is normal. That is crucially important when we experience depression. Help is always available. Feel free to contact or e-mail me when you need to talk. Keep the family talking as well. Know that you remain in our prayers and that we stand ready to do all we can to help you through this difficult time. God Bless!

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A Crisis.

Sometimes it's a crisis! Everything has been turned upside down and we don't know where to turn. I've developed a Crisis Novena to help. Just click the banner below and begin

-- MaryLu (mlc327@juno.com), February 01, 2003.

Wonderfull and thoughtful posting MaryLu.

-- jean bouchard (jeanb@cwk.imag.net), February 03, 2003.

MaryLu, how thoughtful and kind of you. You really are a unique lady, dear.

Forgive me for not responding sooner but between dealing with Dad's death, 3 sick kids and mounting financial disaster in our household...well, I've been a bit preoccupied. I know you can totally understand.

I visited the page you posted and I love it, MaryLu. Thank you so much! I've saved it to my favorites.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. God bless and take care~

-- Jackiea (sorry@dontlikespam.com), February 06, 2003.