AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN; The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests knows for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELAISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant and late parishioner looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important top ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

-- Jerry (Jleed@aol.com), February 12, 2003

Answers

During a visit to New York, the Pope climbed into a limo and the driver asked if he needed anything. "Well, son, what I'd really like is to be able to drive myself for a change," His Holiness said. Intimidated by the Pope's status, the driver said OK, but warned, "Please watch your speed through here, your Holiness, this is a notorious speed trap." And so the Pope drove. Then later on in his drive, a highway patrolman flagged him down. So the Pope pulled over. When the highway patrol got to the car, he recognized the Pope in the driver's seat and said, "Uh, just a minute, your Holiness. I'll be right back." The highway patrol went back to his car and radioed his supervisor, "Uh, I pulled somebody over for speeding. This one is pretty important." "You didn't pull over the mayor, did you?" the supervisor asked. "No sir, he's bigger than the mayor." "It wasn't the governor, was it?" his boss asked. "No sir, he's bigger than the governor." "Don't tell me you pulled over the President," the supervisor said."Sir, he's bigger than the President." "My God, son, who did you pull over?" he asked. "I'm not exactly sure, but the Pope is his driver!"

-- jake (jake1@pngusa.net), February 13, 2003.

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CAT GOES TO HEAVEN

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------Not as good as Jake's ,but we can use a few laughs these days.

PREV

-- Ed Richards (loztra@yahoo.com), February 13, 2003.