I have been in the past involved in three abusive relationships. The last one ending in 1990. My daughter who is now 21, is involved with a 21 year old baby, who exhibits all the signs, also emotional and verbal abuse, social abuse, and some of the information I have read from a youth abuse web page. She left him, came to stay with me, got her own apartment she has a good job, a new car and great credit, ad she had put a deposit down on an apartment. Well, she moaned and groaned and told me (her mother) about how bad he treats her, and then the next day she is back at my door, with him in the car, wanting to get her stuff. I told her to come back without him. If my mother had raised me diffrently, I myself would not have been in abusive relationships. I need to know how I can help my daughter. Her boyfriend and badmouthed me and my family, for the last time, he even pushed her from behind. I can just see what is coming next, they are only living together and not married. Please help. I need some advice. Helene

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2003

Answers

Hi Helen:

I am a 37 years old woman who has been in an abusive relationship on and off for almost 20 years. I have two children by this man. We have been divorced for over 8 years but currently live together with our children. I HATE him but feel that having both parents under the same roof is beneficial to the children. My mother and father both HATE him. I have returned to my mother's home many many times and then end up going back to him. I wish my parents had put their foot down early in my relationship with this man to open my eyes to what I was headed for. Sit down with your daughter and have a serious talk and let her make her choice. If her choice is adverse to yours let her know and what your boundaries will be in connection with that relationship. Best of luck. Pray for me. I know it is time for me to get out of mine also.

-- Anonymous, March 31, 2003

Helene R. Hilo

I sympathise with you. I also was in an abusive relationship; it took me years to get out. I know it most be frustrating for you to see you daughter going back and forwards to this man, but all you can do is be there for her when she needs you. Don’t close the door on her. It took me a long time to realize that I could live without this man, that I wasn’t stupid, that I could get on in live without him. Print material from this site and show her that there are others in the same situation and that he isn’t all that. But be there for her always.

Terry Goodjohn

There is nothing beneficial for children in seeing their mother being abused by their father, I too used that as an excuse to stay. But in fact I was afraid of how would I coupe without him, He was extremely violate, but he was all that I had. I did not know what to do, no money, no friends, a child to feed, what was I to do. But in the end I left him and my child was never happier. Leave him

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2003