I have a married friend that hass been in a marriage for 20 years. They have 2 children and his wife is a child of an alcoholic. She also gre up in a home where not only did the father drink, but there was domestic violence. Apaprently she has been working things out in only the last 5 years with a therapist. She is on antidepressants, does not work, does not exercise, is not involved with any church or civic organization. She handles all the finances in their home. My friend doesnt, or shall I say "isnt allowed" to have any say as far as the childrens mentoring ie; school work.

Although i chat with him fairly regualry via email, I dont know everything about his home life. However, he always seems to have some injury relating to his afterwork sporting activities. Black eyes and cuts on his face from sports.

He often says he cant do anything right at home. He's very down on himself and lacks self esteem. Wonders why i write to him. He has lots of mood swings as well; almost bi-polar. he always claims it's work related. he has a 13 yr old daughter that has learning disabilities.

It's all very sad. He claims he has a great marriage; spontaniety, intimacy, good sex, etc. he also talks about his wife taking baby steps to get her head right from her abusive past.

i guess the question is; if everything is so right at home, why does he continue to see me?

the more i get to know him, the more things are starting to look like he's in denial and he's in an abusive relationship.

what do you think? any imput?

-- Anonymous, April 27, 2003

Answers

This happens all the time to me. I am a 38yo man and have been living with her for 3 years and married to her for 8 months. Only last night, I was pounded into because she disagreed with something I said, concerning my children from a previous marriage. I have ugly scars on my face from it. I've sustained bruises, cuts, ripped clothes and destroyed possessions. I retreat from her screaming abuses into other rooms, and she barges them down, and assaults me, I strike back sometimes in the hope that she backs off, and she pours on the waterworks and plays the victims role.

I look to myself to see if it is me. There was no abuse in my first marriage, I used to pride myself that I didn't believe that it is right to hit a woman and to treat her with respect and dignity. But, under the relentless (these episodes go on for days at a time) assaults, both verbal and physical, I shamefully admit, that I have lashed out in self defence, and inflicted injury on her.

I feel trapped, do not know where to turn. I even explained my situation to my parent who said I should work things out with her. I feel myself falling out of love with her very quickly, and fear what she would do if I left her.

She seems to be insane, unable to be reasoned with or communicated to. Would she be suffering from some mental illness, because it takes very little to set her off.

I do still have my self esteem, but she is a very controlling person so I don't think I will maintain that for long.

Yes, I do think that he is still being abused, he would be a proud man, and rightly so, and he would desire a normal family life. I wish him all the best and hope that she wakes up from her abusive ways, before she loses him for good.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2003