This was written by a friend of mine last week. I post it here with his permission, as I'm sure some of you will like it as much as I did.

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It is strange to sit here, on the foot of my aunt's bed, observing her encouraging signs of recovery. She sleeps and wakes fitfully. Sometimes waking to ask me questions. When did I get here? When did I call Brenda? An occasional moan as if in pain, real, but foggy, heard as if a curtain of waking restraint has been brought down by sleep, or maybe remembered pain, pain dreamt. It is painful for me to hear, whatever the source. Her aches are multiplied by confinement to the bed. My own aging hips sometimes hurt after a night of unfortunate positioning. Her natural scrunched-up posture and near-fetal sleep position must aggravate her hips.

The right hand, the good hand is swollen. She pulls on the bedrail to reposition herself slightly. Almost with a start, I recognize the elbow and the forearm. Subtle shape gives them away. They are mine, borrowed straight from a twelve year-old me and transplanted onto her. There's more. The brows are mine, the nose, though larger and thickened by long decades of acne, is mine, the line of mouth and chin are mine, even some of the wrinkles. They are mine and my mother's and my grandmother's.

Flesh and bone and common blood, all uncommon and diluted by the generation, yet surfacing here and there.

What might she have been without the disadvantages wrought by brain damage on her body and mind at that early age? A doctor, perhaps, standing over this very bed, prescribing healing with the authoritative tone of the women of my family, secure in the knowledge that though they might not be perfect, might even be sometimes wrong, there was nobody more qualified to make the decisions.

What might I have been myself, had my dreams all come true? What might I have been had none of them come true? The weight of selective and not-so-selective breeding swirls in the ether like dice in a cup in a casino, yet they fall with the weight of predetermination, "thunk" upon the surface of hard times or "puh" upon a silk sofa pillow or with all manner of sounds and surfaces between. I am so glad to be alive and to have experienced such life in the measures of misery and mirth meted out to me so far.

For all its chaotic randomness, I am convinced of narrow purpose in life. Yet I cannot find it and looking for it has worn me down and convinced me the search is futile. The thing to do, it seems, is try to be ready when it presents itself, whatever ready is. We have to just trust that we'll know it when we see it.

There have been brass rings that I have not recognized. Others I have not reached for. Some I have grasped. Some have been thrust into my hand. Some I have grasped and only later found to have been brass rings. Some I have missed. It's the ones I have not reached for that trouble me on long trips or when sitting on the end of beds when there is too much time to think.

-- Lon (lgal@exp.net), August 31, 2003

Answers

Lon! Give your friend our password!!!! This is excellent!

-- helen (wow@bring.your.friend.here!), August 31, 2003.

Seriously! That was intense!

Not really the place to put this since I don't to take away from that amazing piece..but it goes with the story there, so I will note it.

The last week in April, I experienced pain in my arm and jaw, and even though I continued denying it was my heart until the end of May, it still landed me in the hospital. The second night in the hospital, before my scheduled visit to the cath lab, I really suffered. It was a combination of pain and the headache the nitro gave me and fear, and the few times my blood pressure moniter beeped because it had fallen too low.

I was so afraid to go to sleep that night I stayed awake uncomfortably till around 4 in the morning, and I spent most of that time wondering why I was having this problem at age 40. I was a smoker for 20 years but other than that, I always watched what I ate and got exersize. I had always thought I was in good health.

It was a family history I only now was paying heed to. Both of my fathers parents had died from heart attacks before they reached their 60th birthdays. One of THEIR parents died at 55 from a heart attack. My father had a heart attack at 55. His daughter, from his second marriage, was born with a bad heart, and awaits a transplant as I write this. Its genetics and misfortune..those dice in that cup.

I could have been spared having this problem until much later, had I not smoked so long. I just never thought it would effect me.

So now I have three arteries held open by stents, after three trips to the cath lab for ballon angioplasties. One of the stents was approved by the FDA the day it was put inside my heart. Its coated with drugs that will help it heal into the artery safely.

I quit smoking. Yes, me! very easy to do when any cigarette can be your last..and I'm on a fat free sugar free salt free caffiene free diet from hell. My daughter likes to say the only thing I'm allowed to eat is Ice Cubes.

But now and for the rest of my life I have to always fear for myself and for her and it certainly makes you look at life differently. I've been very lucky really, I could have died..so each day I have to consider special. In the past three months I have changed so much about my life..some of it depressing (its hard to give up EVERYTHING you like at once), and some of it exciting..I moved, I started back to school, I am doing more than I ever did before.

The story your friend wrote Lon made me remember that night in the hospital. Its all so very true.

-- kritter (k@a.n), September 01, 2003.

{{{kritter}}}

My gosh! You are not allowed to have any more heart trouble, d'ya hear?!

-- helen (having@quite.a.start.now.myself!), September 01, 2003.

(((((Kritter))))) I'm so glad they found it in time. My youngest sister had a quintuple bypass just a few months ago. She's 39 years old.

Last Friday a very close cousin died suddenly. I'm in Oklahoma as I write this. Her husband retired just 2 weeks before she died. They had SO many plans...

Lon, that piece was very good. Please tell your friend thank you from all of us. More and more I realize that the time to 'grasp the brass ring' is NOW. None of us knows what tomorrow will hold.

((((((((((((FRLians)))))))))))))

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 02, 2003.

Lon, what a wonderful story! Thanks to you and your friend for sharing it with us. Not to change the subject, but on the way home from work tonight, I found myself wondering how Kit is doing. Please tell if you have the time and inclination. You know we care about him and you.

Kritter, my friend, I was incredulous reading your short story about your long journey these last few months. Thank you for letting us in and sharing. I am amazed at how you have turned things around for yourself. Good job at recognizing the changes needed. I am sure the road has not been an easy one for you. No pecan pies, or fudge either (unless I can find a wonderful sugarfree recipe!-I might, too, just for you!). Hugs to you and best wishes on school! You can do it, I know you can!! Please keep us posted.

Gayla, hugs to you too friend. And you're right, we never know what is around the corner-only what is in our hearts. And sometimes that brass ring is just touching another's soul, as each of you have done for me.

Much love to each of you this day, and every day!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 02, 2003.

Aunt Bee and all, just a quick answer before we walk out the door. Kit and I leave today for our long trip up through NE Texas and into Arkansas (where we will meet up with Helen for lunch, lucky girl!). For the last few weeks, Kit has been doing better. Maybe the travelling or summer company disrupted his routine enough to make him a little more lively. I've really been trying to make him do for himself as much as possible, and that has helped (him, not me!). I'm giving him some extra suppliments as well, and everything seems to help a little. I'll try to come up with a few new snapshots of our trip after being silent all summer.

-- Lon (lgal@exp.net), September 03, 2003.

Lon, that's a great piece your friend wrote! S/He would do well to look into getting it published. And I'm sooo glad that Kit's doing better - what an answer to our prayers! I thought of him today; I saw a "Hulk" shirt. I would have bought it for him, but it was only a child's size and I doubted it would fit, and then he'd want to wear it anyway and there'd be a war on... oh, well. Tell him our thoughts and hugs are with him.

Gayla, I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin. How is your sister doing now? Better, I hope. And I hope things are going well for you and your immediate family too!

Kritter, I'm so glad that you not only had the surgery, but changed your life habits too! That greatly increases the likelihood that you'll live a lot longer. Did you get to the beach at all this summer, or is that too much like work without being exercise?

Helen, I hope you enjoy your lunch with Lon and Kit - say hi to them for me ;-)

Aunt Bee - is all well with you? You may be able to find a fudge recipe using stevia instead of sugar. I've heard that you can cook with stevia, unlike NutraSweet. And if you use olive oil and a bit of salt instead of butter... ;-)

Where did Rob disappear to? Is he burning the midnight oil working on a new story?

Like Gayla - hugs to all! (((((FRLians)))))

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), September 04, 2003.

(((Gayla)))

I hope Lon can call the night before!

-- helen (does@this.mule.costume.make.me.look.fat?), September 04, 2003.

Hey, thanks for checking in Lon! You brought a smile to face when you said Kit was doing better! That is good to hear-thanks for keeping us posted. Lucky Kit and Lon, you mean, getting to meet Helen! Maybe if Kit is lucky, he will get to kiss the mule!! Know we will all look forward to your snapshots Lon!

Gayla, yes things are as to be expected here. So sorry I haven't sent you the pics of our visit, soon kind heart, soon, I promise! They came out lovely, BTW!!! Or at least the pix of you and the girls... Thanks for the tip on the stevia-I'll look for something for Kritter.

As for Rob...I see your intuition is working Gayla! And we are the lucky recipients!

Hugs to each of you, friends, truly.

Perhaps one day, I shall post my experiences on Sitting at the End fo the Bed.

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 04, 2003.

Aunt Bee, although I'm flattered that you think so highly of me that you call me Gayla, it really isn't my name :-D I'd love to see your pictures, ours still aren't developed yet. Soon, soon.

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), September 05, 2003.

My apologies dear Tricia! I do know who you are, really! *smacks self in the head*

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 05, 2003.

It really ought to be easy to tell the two apart.

One's up one way, and the other is down the other distraction in in the opposite way.

-- Robert & Jean Cook (RobertCook@GA.herewith Lon), September 09, 2003.

Just an fyi..i have to go back for more cath surgery tomorrow, 9/16, one of the stented arteries reclogged (not uncommon..you get a 50/50 chance they will) they're gonna clear it out and use a new technology with radioactive pellets to seal the artery around the stent and keep it from reclogging from healing. Nervous, but once I'm past it I'll be fine I think. :) Waiting..being anxious is the worst part. :( That and that first cut they make to get into the main artery.. because a knife anywhere near ones groin aint fun. After I get out I will come back here to report how happy I am that its over and how much better I feel again. I hope :)

Hugs to all of you..pray for meeeee! ~kirsten

ps..beezer..where is bingo at these days, do you know?

-- kritter (k@a.n), September 15, 2003.

Goodluck Kritter.

-- Carol (Prayers@down.under.com), September 15, 2003.

Prayers going out to you Kirsten!

Yes, I know where Bingo is. He's on the left coast. I spent some time in his presence last month, IRL. I spoke to him a week ago, to tell him of your recent medical situation, among other things. I no longer have your email, but I'll give him a buzz tonight if you'd like. You say. Do you want to talk to him? My email is still the same.

Prayer and positive energy is headed your direction from these parts friend. I'll wait to hear from you.

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 15, 2003.

(((Our Kritter)))

Hope it went well.

-- helen (holding@my.breath), September 16, 2003.

It being the sixteenth, you've been on my mind today Kritter. Please post to let us know how you are doing. We are all pulling for you and for the cath surgery to be successful.

-- (sonofdust@yahoo.com), September 16, 2003.

(((((Kritter)))))

My dad and sister have been going through the same thing...

Hoping to hear from you soon...

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 17, 2003.

((((Kritter)))) hope it all went well for you!!

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), September 17, 2003.

I made it through ok..and they gave me a xanex (spelling) beforehand and it made me nice and drowsy, and the nice doctor gave me about 10x the normal pain killers and drugs and I dont remember much after that lol. I'm SOOO glad to be back home. Hopefully I'll never have to go back ever ever again ever! And thank you for your prayers I'm a firm believer in their power!

love kritter :)

-- kritter (k@a.n), September 23, 2003.

There you are. Great! Thanks for checking in with us, kritter, we were all worried and sending prayers and yes they DO make a difference!

-- (sonofdust@sighof.Relief), September 23, 2003.

Hello Kritter. I'm glad you came through it all okay and hope you are rested up and back to 100% soon.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), September 23, 2003.

SHOOT!!! Well, it looks like the old gal made it again. I was sure hopin' for some new parts, too. You know, I always keep an eye out for a good used brain (doggone that eye, it was always kinda loose).

Anyway, Kritter, since you didn't croak on us, I guess I'll just have to make do with what I got. Actually, I'd much rather have Helen's brain, anyway. Lot's less miles, you know. SNARF!

Glad to see you back amongst us, and I'd stay to chat a while, but it's time to get my bolts tightened down at Lilly Ledue's Bait and Booze.

-- Lon Frankenstien (evil@the.bayou), September 23, 2003.

Thanks for letting us know. I was about to send a posse out lookin for ya! Welcome home friend, and I too, hope it is the last time for you! Hugs!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 23, 2003.

Glad to hear it all turned out well, (((Kritter)))!!

Hope it lasts a loooooooooooooooong time this time :-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), September 24, 2003.

(((Kritter)))

Hope it lasts a long long time.

Mr. Frankenstien, it was not lost upon The Management that you have insulted my mileage. There's plenty of mileage on this old ... wait ... you dissed my BRAIN???

-- helen (late@but.here.at.last), September 26, 2003.

Oh Helen, methinks Mr Frankenstien was just marvelling at your youth when he said something about less miles on yer brain. Haven't we all learned our lesson about "assuming" from Rob's last wonderful story! No you say?? Well, POOPIE!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), September 27, 2003.

Helen must be really busy 'cause she didn't get around to reading the rest of the story yet I think. She would have posted again after the Ending, don't ya think, especially since she's the heroine? And that slap must have scared our Good Sir of Cook away too! Don't know if Gayla has seen the ending either.

Do you think I can just assume they haven't seen it yet? LOL

-- poopie (sonofdust@story.teller), September 27, 2003.

ACK! No, I haven't seen it!

My 'puter got seventeen virii and WORMS, and I didn't even know it was running loose. I got some kind of bug that would uninstall my printer during a print job, turn off the monitor and not allow it to come back on, turn off my modem, slow down everything, and sometimes it would just turn off my machine entirely.

You have no idea what it's like to be writing a legal brief at 3 a.m. and have your 'puter throw up on your files. It was due at 10 a.m.

Anyway, it's fixed until the next little rascal decides to turn a bug loose.

I'll be reading the story and posting a bit later ... got to run to my b-day party.

helen -- I do so have mileage on my brain! LOTS of mileage!

-- helen (my@brain.is.running.on.bald.tires.you.know), September 27, 2003.

*spraying Lysol everywhere so I don't get a virus from Helen*

Kritter, so glad to hear everything went well. I hope you never have to go through that again!

My dad is getting another stent put in tomorrow. Hopefully this will be the last one for him as well.

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 28, 2003.