I'm a 27 year old virgin. I was born and raised a Catholic, but no longer attend church. I'm funny, smart and outgoing. I'm pretty. Men notice me. But I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I've remained a virgin partly because of how I was raised (Catholic), partly because of bad experiences as a child and partly because of habit, for lack of a better word. But I find myself confused. The Church teaches us that premarital sex is a sin. So I have chosen to remain a virgin, again partly for that reason. So I chose not to have sex. But the Church forbids it, so it is no longer a choice. It's an obligation on my part to remain a virgin. How does free will play into all of this? Don't I have the choice to remain or not remain a virgin? How can the Church prohibit something but then claim we have free will? I'm honestly confused and can't see how the two fit together.

And what about children? Isn't it God's decree that we be fruitful and multiply (by assuming, having sex and and making children)? But what if one decides never to marry? I know marriage is a sacrament, but not everyone performs all the sacraments. Nuns and prients don't marry. So what happens to people like me, those of us who don't want or see ourselves marrying, never having children and, therefore, never experiencing sex, which is supposedly one of God's greatest gifts (in the confines of marriage, I know)?

Please, don't read this as an assault. This is very serious for me. I feel that even though I have remained a virgin, my impure thoughts, which are also a sin, have me condemned anyway. Any honest feedback would really help. Thanks, MC

-- MC (mcarmen933@yahoo.com), January 20, 2004

Answers

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-- The Bumper! (bump@bumpitybump.bump), January 20, 2004.

"Forbidding" something merely means identifying a certain act as morally wrong, so that we can know we should not do it. However, this doesn't prevent us from doing it. We still have complete freedom to choose good or choose evil. A trafic sign may forbid you to drive more than 50 mph on a certain road. Obviously that doesn't prevent you from driving 70 mph if you so choose. It's the same with God's law. God wants us to know which choices are compatible with eternal salvation, and which choices will place us on the road to hell. However, once He makes that information known to us, we are completely free to make whatever choice we wish to make - and to accept the consequences of our free choices.

The answer to your initial question then is - both. We have an obligation to do what is morally right, AND complete freedom to choose to fulfill that obligation, or reject it.

-- Paul M. (PaulCyp@cox.net), January 20, 2004.

Hello MC,

I love that name. My favorite person in the world has those initials.

Virginity is both a choice and an obligation. You have free will so that you have the freedom to choose between good and evil. If you choose evil, you sin. If you choose the good, you will live a virtuous life and hopefully grow closer to God.

In God's plan, sex is only a good act if it is shared between a husband and wife within a marriage relationship. Sex outside that context is based on selfishness, not true love.

By the way, many people are virgins and also have impure thoughts. You should look to develop a mature and loving relationship and then marry. If not, you should plan on living a life of chaste celibacy.

Also, there is huge difference between virginity and chastity. Virginity is merely a physical state. Chastity is a state of mind that is based on living virtuously. A good book on chastity is "Courage to be Chaste" by Benedict Groeschel (pray for his recovery from the recent accident.)

Youre 27 already and have come this far in a difficult world. So don't rationalize falling into sin at this stage. Instead you should be seeking to live virtuously, whether you marry or not.

BTW, marriage is NOT the time to abandon chastity. Sex that is loving and generous is the best kind of sex. But unfortunately, marital sex can also fall into lust to some extent. If you want the inside scoop on this, read "Love and Responsibility" by Karol Wojtilya, written before he became John Paul II. Its now a favorite of mine.

God bless,

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), January 20, 2004.

MC,

the simple answer to your question "is virginity a choice or an obligation?" is to say both. we all have obligations that we are expected to meet. does that mean that we are necessarily going to live up to that obligation? no, we choose, on a constant basis, to live up to the standards set for us.

this leads into your second question... does the obligation of premarital celebacy by the church mean that you have no free will in this matter? the answer here is definately not. is it possible for you to go out and have premarital sex? yes, and that is where your free will comes in in this case. you are forced by nature to be an entirely free being capable of making choices in nearly all aspects of your life. your choice in this case is morality verses immorality.

next, on impure thoughts, we all have temptation. what is important is that you resist that temptation. push away impure thoughts when they arrise. remember too, that there is no sin which our Father cannot forgive of us.

and im gonna let an older person with more experience in the sacrament of marraige take up your children question, but let me leave you with this... go back to church. that is something you are also obligated to do, which you have chosen not to.

-- paul h (dontSendMeMail@notAnAddress.com), January 20, 2004.

My dear, your virginity is a precious gift from God to be given to a very special man, in marriage. If you believe that marriage is out of the question for you, then perhaps a deeper relationship with Christ is the answer.

There are many ways that single people can serve the Church that married people cannot. The best course to take is to pray, pray, pray for direction in your life.

God gives us freewill, but that does not mean we can sin without consequences. The consequences will follow our behavior just like night follows day. The consequences are HUGE, painful, temporal and eternal.

I pray God will direct you to a deeper and more fullfilling walk with Him! I pray that the Lord will help you to realize how special your virginity is to you and to HIM!

Gail

-- Gail (rothfarms@socket.net), January 20, 2004.

One more thing MC (love that name), I see from your post that you no longer attend church. This is part of the problem you have. You are no longer growing in faith. The Catholic church is a wonderful thing. It teaches you to know God, and it makes something available called "grace" in its sacraments. You can also get this through prayer.

I STRONGLY reccomend you go to confession, then go to mass. And keep doing this on a regular basis. You will recieve this gift called grace and your perception of the universe will change. Your temptations to wordly things will subside.

You can read about grace in "The Faith Explained" by Leo Trese. Its a concise and enjoyable explantion of the Church and all her major rules and teachings called the catechism.

I have a special affection for you MC. (Thats such a great name!!!) Please look into these things. You are too important (and loved) in God's eyes.

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), January 20, 2004.

Hi, We are not all called to celibacy, but we are ALL called to chastity. That means that we are called to live our lives in a way that manifests the dignity of the human being by acknowledging our sexuality as a gift from God. When this gift from God is used in accord with His Will we give glory to God and actually build up the Kingdom of God by being faithful to our state in life.

On a purely human point: Don't think for a minute that men don't appreciate a girl who is chaste. They might try to talk you into bed, but they really do respect girls who wait until they are married. There is a great story that Dorthy Day told on this topic:

In a shop above the bakery there was a delightful young girl, and the joy of these men's lives was to catch a glimpse of her beauty and unsullied joy. To them she was the image of purity and the thought of "making" her never crossed their minds. They loved her as the only spot of beauty in their laborious lives and they enjoyed seeing her radiant and unclouded face looking in on them every now and then as they toiled. But there came a day when an outsider, persisting in his advances to her, made the grade, so to speak, and the image faded and the men sank back into the dullness and ugliness of their daily lives, unvisited any longer by the vision of chastity.

The article in the Catholic Worker is worth reading.

In Christ,
Bill

-- Bill Nelson (bnelson45@hotmail.com), January 20, 2004.

Dear MC:

God bless you for making it to 27! You have already shown yourself to be stronger than the lies of the world. With God's grace may you continue.

Human sexual love must reflect God's own love. In the words of Chris West, it must be Free, Total, Faithful, and Fruitful. This is how God loves and is how we are meant to love. Fornication (the real word for pre-marital sex) is none of those things. These four characters of sex are what makes it God's great gift. He stamped into our very bodies the message of his love.

I highly recommend a book by Christopher West, "The Good News about Sex and Marriage". He is one of N.America's leading minds on JPII's 'theology of the body'. You can get his book almost anywhere, but if you have trouble you can get it through Catholic Answers at www.catholic.com go to the catalogue page. It can answer questions that you never even thought of.

Better yet, if you can get out to see him speak or give a seminar that would be wonderful. He travels the country, he might be in your area soon! I have seen him bring fire to countless people's faith and sexuality. He has some CD's out as well. Check them out.

Dano

-- Dan Garon (boethius61@yahoo.com), January 20, 2004.

The More Numerous Her Virgins, The Greater The Joy of Mother Church

Now I wish to address the order of virgins. Because their way of life is more exalted, our concern for them must be greater. If we compare the Church to a tree, then they are its blossom. Virgins show forth the beauty of God’s grace; they are the image of God that reflects the holiness of the Lord; they are the more illustrious members of Christ’s flock. They are the glory of mother Church and manifest her fruitfulness. The more numerous her virgins are, the greater is her joy.

To these virgins then I speak and address my exhortation, out of love rather than any sense of authority; and I do this without claiming the right to censure them, for I am among the last and the least and fully aware of my lowliness; I do it rather because the more anxious and concerned I am about them, the more I fear the devil’s attack. For it is no idle concern nor vain fear that takes thought of the path of salvation and keeps the Lord’s life-giving commandments.

They have dedicated themselves to Christ, and, renouncing the pleasures of the flesh, have consecrated themselves body and soul to God, in order to finish a task that is destined to win a great prize; they should not strive to adorn themselves or give pleasure to anyone but the Lord, from whom they hope to receive the reward for their chastity.

Virgins, persevere in the way of life you have begun, persevere in what you are to be. For you will receive a glorious prize for your virtue, a most excellent reward for your chastity. You have already begun to be now what we shall all be in the future. You already possess, here in this world, the glory of the resurrection. You pass through this world without the world’s infection. If you persevere in chastity and virginity, you are equal to God’s angels. Only keep your profession of virginity strong and inviolate. You began your way of life courageously; now persevere without faltering. Seek right conduct as your adornment, not jewelry or attractive clothing.

Listen to the voice of the apostle Paul, God’s chosen vessel, sent to announce the commands of heaven. Paul said: The first man was made of the dust of the earth; the second is from heaven. Those who are made from earth are like him who was on the earth. Those who are of heaven are like him who is from heaven. As we have borne the image of the man who is of the earth, so let us bear the image of the man who is from heaven. This image is shown forth in virginity, purity, holiness, and truth.

-- Saint Cyprian, Bishop and Martyr, A.D. 200 – 258, Liturgy of the Hours

-- ytqazlcws (ytq@azl.cws), January 20, 2004.

To Chaste Virgin MC :

First Epistle of Saint Paul to the Corinthians, Chapter 7

Now in regard to the matters about which you wrote:

"It is a good thing for a man not to touch a woman,"

but because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control. This I say by way of concession, however, not as a command.

Indeed, I wish everyone to be as I am (a virgin),

but each has a particular gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do,

but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire. To the married, however, I give this instruction (not I, but the Lord): a wife should not separate from her husband -- and if she does separate she must either remain single or become reconciled to her husband -- and a husband should not divorce his wife. To the rest I say (not the Lord): if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she is willing to go on living with him, he should not divorce her; and if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to go on living with her, she should not divorce her husband. For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through the brother. Otherwise your children would be unclean, whereas in fact they are holy. If the unbeliever separates, however, let him separate. The brother or sister is not bound in such cases; God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband; or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Only, everyone should live as the Lord has assigned, just as God called each one. I give this order in all the churches.

Was someone called after he had been circumcised? He should not try to undo his circumcision. Was an uncircumcised person called? He should not be circumcised. Circumcision means nothing, and uncircumcision means nothing; what matters is keeping God's commandments.

Everyone should remain in the state in which he was called.

Were you a slave when you were called? Do not be concerned but, even if you can gain your freedom, make the most of it. For the slave called in the Lord is a freed person in the Lord, just as the free person who has been called is a slave of Christ. You have been purchased at a price. Do not become slaves to human beings.

Brothers, everyone should continue before God in the state in which he was called.

Now in regard to virgins, I have no commandment from the Lord, but I give my opinion as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is.

Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek a separation.

Are you free of a wife? Then do not look for a wife.

If you marry, however, you do not sin, nor does an unmarried woman sin if she marries; but such people will experience affliction in their earthly life, and I would like to spare you that.

I tell you, brothers, the time is running out. From now on, let those having wives act as not having them, those weeping as not weeping, those rejoicing as not rejoicing, those buying as not owning, those using the world as not using it fully. For the world in its present form is passing away.

I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord.

But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and he is divided.

An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit.

A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.

If anyone thinks he is behaving improperly toward his virgin, and if a critical moment has come and so it has to be, let him do as he wishes. He is committing no sin; let them get married.

The one who stands firm in his resolve, however, who is not under compulsion but has power over his own will, and has made up his mind to keep his virgin, will be doing well.

So then, the one who marries his virgin does well;

the one who does not marry her will do better.

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whomever she wishes, provided that it be in the Lord.

She is more blessed, though, in my opinion, if she remains as she is, and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.

-- ytqazlcws (ytq@azl.cws), January 20, 2004.

True freedom consists not merely in 'choice' but in choice for the Good. Be free.

-- Skoobouy (anonymous@God.bless), January 20, 2004.

HI, toi break his chAin of good advice, I must say this. I am a 26 year old MALE VIRGIN.I chose to remain this way, because on my weddign night, I wishn o be undefiled.

The above is correct, sin is isn, and saying not to sin is settign a moral boundry, but it is, in the end, your choice to follow this moral code, or to break it.

But as to beign a Birgin, I will say this...you have ,made me smile, which is rare. I didnt know that their where any female Virgins of my age abour...and had all but given up he convept of marriage, for this reason. ( I do not seek the unchaste to be my wide.)

Thus I beleive my advice may be better for you in one wau.

I CHOSE to remain chaste. I SELECTED this for myself. Likewise, I chose to be a Chrisyain. God sets certain rukles for us, called Morality, that we are expexcted to follow, but if we dont, well, proven benefits occure when we do, and proven problems when we dont.

But we do still choose, and remainign chastge is a wonderful choice, as you have more self controle, more stamina, and more disipline, not to mention more self respect and more OIntegrity, than most.

I just had to answer here.

-- ZAROVE (ZAROFF3@JUNO.COM), January 23, 2004.