I am married to someone who is unequally yoked in spiritual matters to me. He does follow the Catholic Church precepts, like going to mass on Sundays and Holy Days, and he does go to confession when he should. We have one daughter, but we haven't made love for almost 2 months. I don't want to and he doesn't want to, so maybe we won't ever again, because we just don't get along completely. I pray the rosary without him, because he would rather watch a edited bunch of R rated movie. We made a compromise that as long as he gets his movies from Clean Cut Films, he would be able to rent anything from them. He would rather watch movies unedited, but he does it just to please me. In the beginning, when we met and then we first got married; he acted like he would get rid of all his junk movies and pray often with me. He used to go to adoration with me at this time as well. Now my 21 month year old and I go to adoration alone, because when I ask him to go with us once a week, he would rather not. He likes to joke about violence. He will say things like, I will hit you if you get me mad. Or he will say jokingly he will kick me. It hurts my feelings, but when I tell him that, he just ignores me. He tells me that I spoil our daughter, because when she cries, I try to comfort her. He thinks that I should let her calm herself down.

How am I going to teach my daughter to love her faith and grow in faith myself despite my husband's spirituality? Will my husband's spirituality hurt my daughter? Should I stay away from him as much as possible, except of course for regular family things and prayer?

-- Sonya (johnsonya2003@hotmail.com), March 16, 2004

Answers

In my opinion, the most important thing to do is pray. I would also try to plant seeds of faith whenever possible. However, as the Bible says you can expect most of these to be rejected. However, with God all things are possible. Also, please ask God to help you be forgiving, because it is easy to become bitter when your spouse is spiritually lukewarm.

I am in a similar situation, my wife has no interest in the things of God. If figure I am going to pray 1000 Rosaries for her, and if that don't work I will pray 1000 more. We just have to keep going and trust in God. It's not easy but God will give us the grace to get us through.

-- James (stinkcat_14@hotmail.com), March 16, 2004.

Thank the Lord that your husband is not hostile toward attending the Catholic Church, and pray that God will show him what is right through the Church and her teachings.

God bless,

-- Emily (jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), March 16, 2004.

Thank you for your responses. They give me a lot of encouragement. I feel a lot better knowing that people care about what I am going through. You are going through so much too. I will pray for you too.

I want to invite everyone to Catholic Familyland. If you would like to check it out please go to www.familyland.org It is awesome. We will be going to the family fest June 26th through July 2. It is a great vacation without leaving God behind. It has 900 acres of land and lots of beautiful families from all over the United States and maybe from even other countries. We get together and have fun and learn about the Lorda. We pray and visit and so much more. Check it out. I would love to meet everyone of you out there.

God bless.

Sonya

-- Sonya (johnsonya2003@hotmail.com), March 16, 2004.

Work on your marriage too. Sounds as if you might be growing away from your husband. Don't allow this to happen. Marriage is a lot of hard and rewarding work.

You sound pretty young to not have any intimate time with your husband for months. Sometimes its not what you say, but its how you say it that works.

Read about the green scapular next time you are in Adoration. I believe this might help bring your husband back into his relegion. Pray to his guardian Angel for him.

I will pray for you three as well.

-- L.L. (.@......), March 16, 2004.

Sonya,

Actually your husband doesn't sound like a bad Catholic to me.

Read some of the older threads and you will see that there are some monsters out there. Work and pray for your marriage. You will only get out of a marriage what you put into one.

Marriage is a two way street.

-- L.L. (.@.....), March 16, 2004.

Sonya,

You and your husband are desperately in need of marital counseling. You both need to work on improving your respect for each other, and appreciating each other. If you don't soon, much worse things will happen.

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), March 17, 2004.

Hi Sonya,

What you’ve described here is typical of what goes on in most marriages at one time or another. Your situation just seems to have festered a little bit longer than most marriages that have been turned around. Pat is absolutely correct in suggesting counselling for you and your husband.

It would seem that spiritually you and your husband are on different planes. This in itself is no indication that your marriage is over. Too often couples grow apart and are lulled into long spells of little or no physical, emotional or supportive contact that lead to feelings of hopelessness. Not all is lost if you can recognize the problem early on and do something about it. The first step is to admit that something is wrong. You’ve done that here. Now, the second step is to approach your husband with your concerns and suggest you both get help. At the very least you should be talking to a professional even if your husband sees no need for it.

If you don’t mind my saying, there is a hint of an “holier than thou” attitude in your writing. When someone falls in love with God as deeply as you seem to have there is a tendency to be impatient with those around them for not seeing things the same way as they do. Grace can be blinding at times, remember - it's pure light! You must be careful not to preach to your husband about his behaviour. Let the professional point out his faults to him. You must also be open to any criticism the counsellor will have for you. It’s a sign of spiritual growth to learn by your mistakes and move on and become a better Christian for it.

Sonya, I see all kind of hope in what you’ve written. There is still plenty of time to reclaim your marriage and rediscover that man you originally fell in love with. He’s still there, it’s just that time, daily routine and growth in different directions have hidden some of the characteristics that you fell in love with. Let this be the day you turn your marriage around. Make an appointment today with your priest to explain what you’ve told us here. He will be able to advise you what your next step should be. Good luck and as someone has said earlier, keep praying - He always answers!

-- Ed (catholic4444@yahoo.ca), March 17, 2004.

Thank you again for all of your advice. I will definitely pray for our marriage. Yes that is a good idea about getting some green scapulars and praying for him using them. I am greatful that there is hope for us and counseling is something I would like to do with him, but I know that my husband does not want to anytime soon. He told me so. I will have to find a good priest to talk to about this. There is one that I will talk to about it soon.

I just am overwhelmed, I guess, because I have the baby to take care of and she is still nursing. I was hoping that I wouldn't be praying so often alone, because it would be easier with some help. He did seem like he would be the head of the household, even concerning prayer and teaching our faith to our child. Now I feel like I will be the one to have that job.

Thanks again to everyone. I will definitely not give up on my husband, but it is better for us to be celibate and grow in prayer right now. Probably for a long time. I think that the only way our marriage can grow is if we are both in prayer. Like one of you advisors out there told me, it isn't what is said, but how I say it. Maybe you mean that I can only continue to invite him to pray with us, but not try to say forcefully that he should.

-- Sonya (johnsonya2003@hotmail.com), March 18, 2004.

If you aren't having relations and are also growing apart intellectually, I am telling you that your marriage will soon be in serious crisis, if not already. Stop thinking about your own spirituality. And his for now.

God wants your marriage to fluorish, and you have a child too. Your most important job right now is to improve your marriage. Make that your prayer. If this means backing off a bit on the other prayer life, so be it.

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), March 18, 2004.

Pat is exactly right Sonya. You're not seeing the forest for the trees. Don't bury yourself in prayer. Prayer is good, but as the Holy Spirit tells us, prayer has two elements to it - the prayer itself and ACTION! God says you have to help yourself before He will intervene. Your situation all seems so manageable right now and not very complicated, but in a few short months you could find yourself beyond the point of no return. Please act now.

-- Ed (catholic4444@yahoo.ca), March 18, 2004.

Let's all offer up Sonya, her husband, and her child up in our prayers right now!

-- Andy (aszmere@earthlink.net), March 18, 2004.

Sonya,

It is a very true saying." Its not what you say but its how you say it".

No man likes to be forced into anything.Its against their nature. Make it a family night after you leave Adoration. The weather is getting a lot nicer out where you can just go for a nice walk with the 2 of you.[If possible just the two of you but three will work.:-)]

You have the right attititude because you are not a "quitter" and a "quitter" will never win.

Being intimate with your husband will fall into place if you work on the "basics", just spending quality time together. You will find yourself wanting to be together again.

God did not set your marriage up to fail or be unhappy most of the time. He gave you everything you need to succeed and be happy together. You just need to bend a little even with the responsibility of your baby that is dependant on you makes it tougher.

Rember its the same storm that crushes a might oak tree that just bends a blade of grass. Why? Because the grass bends and the oak tree has no bend to it. :-)

Keep praying and working on this and you will be fine because God gave you the tools to succeed with your marriage. You just need to work them a little different. Being intimate is a very important tool that God gave you for your marriage to succeed.[I say this with love and respect]

God bless you

-- L.L (.@......), March 18, 2004.

Hi Sonya,

Please forgive any forwardness on my part. My wife and I had gone through something similar at one time. You and your family are in my prayers. Don't forget that your vocation in life is your marriage, just as much as a priest or religious has a vocation. Also, don't forget that your marriage covenant is a physical sign in the world of Christ's covenant with his bride, the Church. The marriage act consummates this covenant and can be a tremendous source of grace, if accomplished in accordance with the will and purpose of God. Part of this is communication throughout the day. Scripture also has some good advice to meditate on. See 1 Cor 7:5, 1 Cor 13:4-8, 1 Pet 3:1-4 among others. Seeking advice from a trusted priest is a great idea.

-- Andy (aszmere@earthlink.net), March 18, 2004.

Sonya,

Just another little tiny bit of advice from someone with years of experience in this forum:

You might not want to use your surname like you did above when you post of your marriage because you never know who might read it. For instance someone your husband works with could read the thread.

If you ever change your mind about that all you have to do is ask the Moderator to delete your last name and he would be more than happy too.[He doesn't mind deleting :-)]

-- L.L. (.@....), March 18, 2004.

Hi Sonya,

I admit when I saw the thread title, I did not expect to see what you wrote about at all-- usually when one says "unequally yoked", they're talking about being married to a person not of the same faith, or even an atheist. I think that it is very common for married couples to be "at different levels" when it comes to their faith, whether they are of the same faith or not.

Be happy your husband still attends Mass with you--you might even try to get involved as a family in say "hospitality" (coffee and donuts after Mass), or go to some family-oriented church activity such as a barbeque or charity sporting event--our parish does a golf event.

I am MUCH more worried about the potential for domestic violence from what you write-- it is NEVER something to joke about. Please do not let this "joking" escalate into anything else.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), March 18, 2004.

We should realise that Sonya is only telling us the situation at its edges; she can't possibly reveal every intimate detail. And she shouldn't. It would be unfair to her husband as well as her own personal dignity. To put it very delicately, Sonya; every action in a marriage that goes on repeatedly is magnified in importance. That goes for the good and the bad. A husband who is no longer intimate with his wife will remain alienated even longer, and she herself will become colder as time goes by. When there's no longer any love she will find comfort in religion. He will feel such a resentment that even religion will become hateful to him. It's a vicious circle. But if you give in to your better impulses; and trust your husband to do what's right, include him in your love; with every sign of intimacy-- He will get over his resentment. The more frequently you consummate your marriage the more evident his love for you will become to him. A man who loves his spouse is easier to please, it's just that simple.

The marital act builds such a fire of love and happiness in your husband that he will do ANYTHING for you. But you must be patient and understanding. His ego is inflated and angry, if he prefers watching movies to making love. He has no other outlet if he can't come to you with complete confidence. You hold the key. The children have to take a subordinate place, precisely because they need a happy father. If he and his beloved wife do not share a bond of great love, they'll eventually see you break up. That would be the greatest tragedy could ever happen in their lives. So-- He must be given every chance to love you again. God gives the wife such immense power over her husband, if she uses it with LOVE, that there is no excuse for her husband not to bow to her wishes. It's the reason for his manhood. He cannot help but love you, if you are both true to your holy vows. We will certainly be praying for you and for your husband. Have fiath.

-- eugene c. chavez (loschavez@pacbell.net), March 18, 2004.

Sonya,

I feel compelled to suggest something and I hope you don't take it the wrong way, its just something I feel God calling me to do and you might find it useful as well.

I returned to the Church last year after being away for about 10 years. My wife, has shown no interest whatsoever in the things of faith, and in fact she finds my faith more of a nuisance than anything else. I find it frustrating because my wife suffers from mental illness and if she would find faith in God it would be of so much help to her in carrying her burden. Anyway, I can focus a lot on my wife's issues (and I often do, too much), but I find God calling me to go to confession quite frequently. The fact is, there are a lot of sin issues in my life that need to be addressed. Perhaps God is trying to tell me that before God brings healing into my wife's life, he wants to bring healing into my life and a great source of this is the sacrament of reconcilliation.

You are in my prayers, I know it is tough being in a relationship where your spouse does not share your same beliefs.

-- James (stinkcat_14@hotmail.com), March 22, 2004.

Thank you again for your kindness and your advice. Scripture certainly does give a lot of help for me concerning my situation. Thanks for reminding me. Yes, it will be a good idea for me to work on my self as well.

Thanks for your prayers. They are a very big help. He actually suggested that we, as a family go to our church's one day pilgrimmage to the San Luis Valley to pray the Stations of the Cross. He seemed really interested in it. I am so happy about this.

I think that this is what our family needs. It's a start anyway. I only hope that he will continue to show interest in our faith, but I will try to be patient with him.

God bless all of you.

-- Sonya (johnsonya2003@hotmail.com), March 23, 2004.

There are two things that call me to counseling, and make my answering that call urgent. The first is a book "Intimate Enimy, or how to fight fair in love and marriage". Wonderful book. Strongly helps communication, with a undertone of get counseling when needed.

The second is the example set by my sister (who might still be Catholic). She had a checklist from somewhere when leaving her first marriage (no kids -- and that was one of the issues). On that checklist was "have you tried counseling?". She was willing, hubby was not, box got checked, she moved on. I do not know how to get this attitude to your husband.

But if you both read the book, communication will increase along with a respect for counseling.

Also many couples have reported better sex after counseling, and this often leads both to have a greater respect for counseling.

Is there any way to present any of the above to your husband?? Sean

-- Sean Cleary (seanearlyaug@hotmail.com), March 23, 2004.

I will try to find that book. Maybe it will be at the library. My husband does not read much. He has a very difficult time reading simple stuff. I will have to read it to him, if he will listen to me. I will do the best I can. Thanks.

-- Sonya (johnsonya2003@hotmail.com), March 25, 2004.