I have been reading through past postings and I need your help. I am Baptist. My girlfriend is Catholic. I plan to ask her to marry me in the near future. Together we are praying about where to base our faith. I am closer to converting to Catholicism. I believe in the teachings of the Church, the original Church, founded on Peter. I am currently feeling much resistance from my own devout Southern Baptist parents. I have recently been told that I am making a mistake and that should I continue on this road, they will not be supportive. They have already said that if we are blessed with children and raise them in the Catholic church, they will not be present for the Baptism.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation with class, dignity and respect. I want nothing more than to tell my parents that if that is the way they feel, then they have lost a son. I can not respond in anger. Please help. My mother has also said that I am making this "rash decision" because I am blinded by love. We have been together for over three years and have both prayed about this intently. I believe that I am doing what is right. Also, I believe that for two people to truly love, God must be present. Thoughts, comments, questions all welcome. Thank you in advance for your help and insight.

Jeff

-- Jeffrey (jeffrey_weir@hotmail.com), August 09, 2004

Answers

Dear Jeff,

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know in saying this, but you must of course follow where the Holy Spirit is leading you; and given your sincere, mutual, ongoing seeking of God's will in prayer, there can be little doubt that it is indeed the Holy Spirit's leading that is drawing you into Christ's own Church.

One word of advice - don't tell them "if that is the way they feel, then they have lost a son". That sounds a bit like it is you who are breaking off the relationship with them, or at least that it is a mutual agreement. Rather, tell them that you will never close the door to them, and that you will pray that the same Holy Spirit who is leading you to make this decision will also lead them to accept it. (Or something like that.) Emphasize that you love them and value your relationship with them as much as ever, and will never shut them out in any way. That will tell them, in as gentle a way as possible, that if any doors are going to be closed, they will have to close them. But also emphasize that this decision is a response to something God is calling you to do, not just something you decided to do on a whim, without prayer and soul-searching. You might also mention (if this is accurate) that they are the ones who taught you to listen to the voice of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit, that you have committed yourself to living your life in the way they have taught you, and that you cannot turn away from that way of living now, simply because of the preferences of other people, even people you love and respect.

May the peace of Our Lord and Savior be with both of you and may your marriage be as grace-filled as mine has been.

-- Paul M. (PaulCyp@cox.net), August 09, 2004.

Jeff,

You must do what you must do; when married you will head a new family -your priorities: God first, Wife second, children third, your parents fourth...

-- Daniel Hawkenberry (dlm@catholic.org), August 09, 2004.

Hae yu tried merely explainig tha this is somethign that yo must do? Perhaps, with gentleness and civil conduct, thei bjections will cease, and they, though objecting to your choice, will beless hostile in future.

Your in my prayers.

-- ZAROVE (ZAROFF3@JUNO.COM), August 09, 2004.

Jeff I don’t know your parents but I think it’s a safe guess that most of their motivation for saying that they won’t be present at the baptism/s, is the natural feelings that every parent goes through when their child becomes engaged and is no longer under their control. Many parents tell their children they will cut them off if they convert to, marry, or baptise their children in, a different religion, but only a very small minority ever carry out that threat when the time comes. If you and your fiancée really love each other honestly your parents will see this shine through in your marriage, especially when children come along.

Try to convince them that this is something YOU have decided for yourself, and that you are not simply being manipulated by a "femme fatale".

Possibly your parents unease also springs from believing a lot of calumnies about Catholics. In this case you could give them something to read which will show them that Catholics and Baptists have a lot in common and that the legends they have heard are untrue.

I'll be praying for you all.

-- Steve (55555@aol.com), August 09, 2004.

How about picking up some books such as Dave Armstrong's "A Biblical Defence for Catholicism" or "Surprised by the Truth" by Patrick Madrid, and ask your family to read them to at least have a better understanding where you're views are coming from.

-- D Joseph (newfiedufie@msn.com), August 09, 2004.

Yeah I tend to agree with Daniel. It's documented by psychologists that a lot of parents, though nurturing and loving throughout their child's life, go through a rebellion phase upon their child's decision to start a new family. Many times it manifests itself in an unwillingness to accept a change in religion, moving to another city, the ethnicity of the partner or simply doubting the couples love.

It's actually almost childish, the way parents sometimes act when they have to let their children go to start new families. I suggest you deal with them the same way they dealt with you when you, as all of us, went through our adolescent "rebellion phase." Continue to love and support them even though they do or say things that are destructive. Eventually, they will grow out of it, just like most children grow out of their phase.

-- Brian (Brian@Brian.com), August 09, 2004.

Dear Jeff,

My heart goes out to you, as I can relate due to being in a similar situation with one of my parents (although I'm not engaged or dating). My mother and I wish to become Catholic, converting from Protestant. My father is not pleased with this at all, and frequently expresses this feeling. He at first was very resistant, but he is learning to accept it more (although he is still upset about it).

I recommend that you keep in contact with your parents and let them know how much you love them and appreciate their love for you. However, your family also must be your choice. Continue to pray for guidance from God, and also pray that God would lead them.

Read books from Catholic apologists, or listen to tapes. John Martignoni has some great stuff at www.biblechri stiansociety.com. Also Tim Staples' tape series "All Generations Shall Call Me Blessed" has been very helpful in better understanding Marian doctrines. Other good websites are Catholic Answers and Catholic Outlook (esp. check "Topics" at top). Check www.ewtn.com to see if your area has a local Catholic radio station, or you can listen online. Visit the Coming Home Network to read Catholic conversion stories and connect with other converts. You can also listen on the internet to conversion stories from The Journey Home.

If you read up on such things and know why you're making this decision theologically, you can be ready to answer if they ask. This will help show them that it's not just because you have a pretty girlfriend and want to make her happy. Don't aggressively try to convert them, but just humbly answer any questions they have if they bring it up, or offer to explain it to them if they desire. Remember, no pressure!

Finally, let me give you several Scriptures that have helped me and I hope will be some consolation to you.

Matthew 10 (KJV)
32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.
33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

This passage was always difficult for me to understand while growing up. Why would God want to divide up families? Now I finally understand. It is only that we are not to love our families (or anyone or anything, for that matter) more than Christ. Thus, when God leads you somewhere and you know it's the Truth, it would be wrong to disobey God for the sake of another person.

This passage struck me when I was in anguish over our family situation. (Let's just say that our conversion has made things *very* complicated and problematic in our home.) My dad said to my mom something to the effect of, "Catholicism has pierced our marriage with a sword." When I found this passage and considered it in light of that comment, I realized the profundity of my father's statement, although he would not have intended to make that connection. Jesus Himself had come to bring that sword, according to this passage.

Luke 12 (KJV)
(See parable earlier in the chapter for the rest of the context)
47 And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.
48 But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.
49 I am come to send fire on the earth; and what will I, if it be already kindled?
50 But I have a baptism to be baptized with; and how am I straitened till it be accomplished!
51 Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:
52 For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.
53 The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

God of course does not want us to bring about this division. Rather, we are to follow God's leading in obedience, and do everything in our power to make things right. However, you and I cannot control the actions of others, or their responses to our actions. That is the part that will be difficult because it may lead to division. We are not to seek division (only seek to obey God, even if division may be an indirect result). But if others divide from us due to our obedience to God, we can't help it. Just love and pray for them. Here is a passage to remind you of that:

Romans 12 (KJV)
9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Thus we see that even with our enemies, we must still pray for them, love them, and make every attempt to live at peace with them. So then, how much moreso our own families.

Luke 14 (KJV)
26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
27 And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.

Note that in light of the Romans passage above, "hate" cannot mean what we would think of it today, but rather it is in comparison to the great amount of love that we are to have toward God, so much so, that we would forsake anything else, if it is required to follow Him. If someone disobeys God and follows other people, Jesus Himself said that "he cannot be my disciple." Thus, you and I must take up this small cross of family opposition, offer our sufferings up to the Lord as prayers for their souls, and pray for the grace to endure.

May God bless you and I will pray for you. I would love your prayers for my situation also.

-- Emily ("jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), August 09, 2004.

Nice answer Emily. I will pray for both your situations.

Gob Bless you as the Holy Spirit leads you deeper into your relationship with God.

Jennifer

-- Jennifer (jrabs@jrabs.com), August 10, 2004.

Hello Jeff,

I need to make two small corrections to my post. In the second paragraph, I said, "However, your family also must be your choice." What I meant to say was "However, you family needs to know that your faith must be your choice. You need to follow God's will, not theirs."

I meant to include this link to Catholic Outlook. Especially check the "Topics" tab near the top.

God bless,

-- Emily ("jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), August 10, 2004.