I stole this from another forum. enjoy!

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

16. Dobermann: The longer I leave it, the longer I can stay in the dark on the Sofa where I am not supposed to be.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

-- Lon (lgal@exp.net), October 25, 2004

Answers

Heather-Central Connecticut

Group: Moderators Posts: 439 Member No.: 29 Joined: 2-July 04

JAY LENO'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter (Too easy: no comment)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (You think?)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Seems a bit severe but whatever works, I guess)

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? (too easy..no comment)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (and you thought you hated YOUR job)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death (lazy so and so's!)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (This should cut court costs)

War Dims Hope for Peace (duuhhh)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (see previous comment)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (see two previous comments)

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (seventeen knife wounds and twelve bullet holes aroused the cops' suspicions.)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (and all this timeI thought they were held up by duct tape.)

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge (they could probably charge their batteries off HIM)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (apparently the original group wasn't obese enough)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (probably the freeze-dried beans)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (test group says they taste like chicken)

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (now THAT'S dedication)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (and you thought Columbine was tragic!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (They claim all the doorways are too short..)

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Alert police detectives concluded that many of them may have already been dead.)

-- REALY bored old Lon (hiding@from.kiddieterrerists), October 26, 2004.

Dog Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are dog napkins. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: A process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMPS: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.

-- Brooke (Nice Doggies@Hill.top), October 26, 2004.

New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso - a dog that folds up for easy transport

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter - a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye - a dog for optimists

Great Pyrenees + Dachsund = Pyradachs - a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Pekasso - an abstract dog

Irish Setter + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer - a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever - the choice for research scientists

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull - a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador - a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point - a dog that...oh, well, it doesn't matter

Collie + Malamute = Commute - a dog that goes to work with you

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere - a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bull Shitzu - a gregarious but unreliable breed

-- Brooke (Dogs-R-Us@Hill.top), October 26, 2004.

Those are too funny Lon and Brooke. Many thanks for a good chuckle tonight.

-- Carol (jack@russell.com), October 27, 2004.

Wow! Y'all from that thar Texas place (pronounced with 3 syllables in the proper Texan drawl) sure are good at cheerin' me up jest when I need it most!

Thanks for sharing the laughter :-D

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), November 08, 2004.

Here's another one for ya', Tricia. . . you may not see this if you've already left for your big trip, though. . .

10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?

-- Brooke (Mighty Dogs@Hill.top), November 10, 2004.

To be an Auusie you need to understand:

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

12. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

13. It's considered better to be down on your luck than stuck up.

14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

16. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

17. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. Except in Queensland where sitting on the front porch to catch a cool breeze is quite OK.

18. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food vs grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

19. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

20. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realizes that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.

21. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia ...Potential new Aussies must pass the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs, holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

If this is all over the place it's coz it's just a paste. Keep smiling.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), November 15, 2004.

Esky? Aerograd? Mozzies? Don't know those words but I'd like too ;-) Anyway, great post Carol! Thanks!

This thread reminds me of some of those old threads during the FRLian Hay Day, or heyday, or whatever day---in other words, the FRL's silly phase. We had some really really side-splitting Roll-on-the-floor- laughing funny threads.

-- (sonofdust@funny.threads), November 16, 2004.

Yikes Rob. An Aussie male would go into a dead faint at the thought of someone not knowing what any esky was. It's for taking your beer to BBQ's, beach, sport, fishing, almost anywhere an aussie male goes. Esky was prob. originally a brand name, but now any portable cooler is an esky. Prob. 99% of males over the age of 18yrs. own one. Kinda says a lot about us doesn't it? Oh well, it's a hot country and we're a laid back nation.

Mozzies = mosquito's and Aeroguard is what you spray on to keep the mozzies at bay. Only trouble is the smell of the spray is almost as bad as being eaten alive by mozzies.

I should also explain that Aussies rarely say BBQ, it's usually "let's 'ave a barby".

You're right about the old threads. I've just about wet myself reading a couple of them. Cheers.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), November 16, 2004.

Esky? Origin with some brand with the name "Eskimo" in it maybe? In the West Texas of my childhood, we called all soft drinks ("pop" or "soda" to you yankees) by the name of Coke. "Want a Coke?" "Sure, thanks." "What kind?" "Gimme a big arnj (orange)." Same with Thermos for all brands of, well, Thermoses, you know. Mozzies? We call 'em skeeters. Some people (usually small or pesky or prone to flit around energetically) are called by the nickname "Skeeter." I think there was a C&W singer by that name. There are also Skeeter brand bass boats. We use various concoctions with DEET as repellent. There are other brands, but "Off" brand has tied up most of the market with good reason--it works. They make it in a couple of percentages of active ingredient and in both aerosol and liquid. "Barbie" is probably just a truncation of BBQ, Bar-b (- cue). Anybody know the derivation? "Bar" might refer to the method of suspending the carcass them on a rod over the fire, but I don't know. An what's all this moaning about the good old days. Write something just as good, better even. We aren't all as in-ar-tickle- ut as Redneck. We can be funny, too. Witness Ol Lon. Uh, well, you know what I mean. Sorry Lon.

-- J (jsnider@hal-pc.org), November 20, 2004.

Hi J. It seems our simple barby can be spelled "barbeque" or "barbecue" and maybe comes from either the Spanish "barbacoa" or Haitian "barboka". Aren't you glad you asked? 8-)

I think I have found the ideal mate for your Redneck buddy. Her name is Twyla (sp) and she is in the TV program Survivor Vanuatu (not sure if you get that where you are). One of the men on the show referred to her as a good ol' redneck girl. She sure is a gutsy girl.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), November 23, 2004.

Thanks for the chuckles you guys. :-D

Skeeter Davis... she sang, "The End of the World"

But it twern't about Y2K or neeeewcleeeur bombs. Her man dun left her.

Gosh, I'm starting to sound like 'you know who'. LOL

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), November 23, 2004.

Gosh, I'm starting to sound like 'you know who'. LOL

Whoa! Whodda ever thunk it?

-- Brooke (Dogpaddlin' in the rain@Hill.top), November 23, 2004.

Aw gee. Now ahm blushin. Aint it funny how attenshun from princeses can have a advers ayfect on yore spellin. Septin for ol lon an maybe j an a you others that learned good instead o skippin out to play pool. Them gis cud spell good in there sleep. But ta tell it true an kwote paul newman in nobodys fool I grow on people. I do.

An you can probly mark off barbacoa as a sauce I mean sorse. I think barbacoa is somethin made with brains an not the trudishunnel bbq we all noe an love. O corse it may be a mistranslayshun that jist stuck or somethin like that. That stuff happens an all kind o meskin words git mixt inta our vocalubary kind o one off from there origunal meanins like. Some come in strate an some git Texmexed along the way. I gess barbacoa coulda been one o them but am still lookin for a better anser. Far as I can see its jest a word that sounds about rite an is also the name of a food. An I dont like to think anythin we got came from haiti. I herd they draink chikin blood an are inta all kind of sourcerys. I gess them oil barrel drums they play is ok tho. I kinda like them sometimes. But wherd the q in bbq come from anyhow? I gess it cood be some core upshun of that last sound, but ide hope we aint that far gone. Unless o corse somebodied been hittin the beer wagon purty hard early on. It does take a while for good bbq to beecome good bbq so maybe thats it after all. By the way I aint got nuthin aginst eatin brains per say. As I reemember a mess o fried brains an eggs was purty good tho I aint eat em sinse ize a kid. Daddy use to fix em but I thaink cows brains probly aint safe enny more. Reedin the paper can change yore eatin habits caint it. There probly safer than oysters tho an peope still eat them. But I pologize for wanderin aroun an not stayin on the subjec. What was it agin?

-- Redneck (redneck@smellin.bbq), November 27, 2004.

Pork BBQ?

Or Cow BBQ?

-- Guess Who (Hmmmn.@where.com), November 28, 2004.