Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. This week has seen a lots of hoopla over some testimony by my lead Iraqi weapons finder-outer, Mr. David Kay. He says that despite what I promised the world, that there are no WMD's over there. Now if that's true, then there are only a few conclusions folks can make: either I'm a liar, or an incompetent moron, or a puppet controlled by pencil-pushing bureaucrats with God complexes. Obviously, none of these are acceptible. That's why I've taken the liberty of correcting Mr. Kay's testimony, and am releasing it here today. I encourage the news media to embrace and disseminate it with all due unquestioning haste. Thank you.

Oh, and by the way... Kay, if you're listening – you may have "resigned," but your little spaghetti pecker is also FIRED! So SUCK BUNG, DORKO!

visit http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.whitehouse.org%2Fnews%2F2004%2F013004.asp

"What kind of madman refuses to produce evidence that he doesn't have what he says he didn't? Saddam had to be taken out or who knows what else he might not have done. It's imaginable." –Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert

-- Jubinell (Jubinell@Jube.Jube), November 23, 2004

Answers

John Kerry Stump Speech Good evening ladies and gentleman:

First of all I want to make this clear. George W. Bush misled us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. When I voted to authorize force, I was actually voting to threaten the use of force. When I voted for the $87 billion for Iraq before I voted against it, I was voting to protest the plagiarizing George W. Bush was doing to Bill Clinton's Iraq policies. You see, I remember that day December 16, 1998 when Bill Clinton unilaterally bombed Iraq over weapons of mass destruction. It was Operation Desert Fox. I remember it so well, because even France didn't protest it. Speaking of foxes, have you seen my wife TaRayZaaaa? Glad she was loaded before I married her. Anyway, I want to recap for you where I was during Clinton's speech.

In the afternoon, I had one of the better Botox treatments I have ever had. I had a pedicure, a $1000 haircut and then I worked on my Lurch impersonation in the mirror. I then had big decisions to make. Should I pollute the ocean with my middle class yacht, or go flying in my everyman's corporate jet? I had been looking for that hole in the ozone layer for quite a while and I was in the mood to burn some jet-fuel, so I went flying.

When I got back on the ground, Clinton was just starting his speech and I listened on the radio.

Clinton said, "Saddam Hussein must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons."

I mentioned this to Ted Kennedy who I bumped into on his way to happy hour in Chappaquidick and he said, "Uh, ah yeah it's about time he mentioned those martini's of mass inebriation." A passerby asked, "Are you Senator Kennedy?" and he responded "No, but I did get drunk at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

I then made it home, and heard Clinton say, "The hard fact is that so long as Saddam remains in power, he threatens the well-being of his people, the peace of his region, the security of the world."

Not bad. I called Michael Moore, but his chef said he had just reserved the entire dining room of the Old Country Buffet for the filming of his new autobiographical documentary "And You Thought Anna Nicole Smith Could Chow."

Clinton then said, "The best way to end that threat once and for all is with a new Iraqi government -- a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people."

I tried Al Gore on his cell phone knowing he was probably tweaking the Internet he invented and was most likely not listening to Clinton's speech.

Al told me the best line was yet to come and he was proud that we had a leader who was going to stick it to Saddam. He also said we were lucky that most of the world and most importantly the media would never second guess a Democrat for bombing a soverign country like Iraq. In fact, Al made a prediction that even if a Republican were to bomb Iraq in the future over weapons of mass destruction, we could say that Republican was lying and misleading the American people and that might open the door for another Democrat to be president. The French would back us for sure (they need the kickbacks from the oil for food program) and, without question, the media would too. I put that prediction in my back pocket and listened to Clinton finish his speech.

Clinton concluded about Saddam, "And mark my words, he will develop weapons of mass destruction. He will deploy them, and he will use them."

I then dozed off and dreamt I was accepting the Democratic party nomination for president. It was a weird dream. The Democratic convention was in Paris and I was giving the speech in French......

*Clinton quotes courtesy of the transcript of his speech to the American people, December 16, 1998 which can be found below...

http://www.newsmax.com/articles/?a=1998/12/17/70745

-- (Foxtrott@RedFox.org), November 23, 2004.

-- (Foxtrott@FoxTrott.org), November 23, 2004.

IRQI's WMD Site

-- (Foxtrott@RedFox.org), November 23, 2004.

Jubébé ơi ,thời sự nóng bỏng từng ngày ,Bush đã tuyên bố có hay không cũng đánh bỏ bu thằng Sadam và đéo có thằng nào dám phản đối kể cả thằng Tàu Phù ,thằng CHXHCN rêu rao vài ba tiếng là tịt ngòi ngay .

Bây giờ đề tài nóng nên bàn là Mỹ sẽ đánh thằng Chệt hay CHXHCN ? thằng nào trước thằng nào sau hay cả hai ?

Người Việt đến lúc nào thuận tiện trong đánh ngoài yển cùng lật đổ bọn bạo quyền sán lãi cộng sản .

-- thich du thu (toollovers@comcast.net), November 23, 2004.

Anh Thich du thu noi dung. My la nuoc lon nen ngay ca Tay au du phan doi chien tranh voi Iraq cung chi dam phan doi nho nho thoi. Viet nam cung da biet khon chut it nen chiu kho phuc vu My vu POW/MIA ma duoc Clinton bo can can. Vi My qua lon nen nuoc nho phai biet di nuoc co dung ma xay dung dat nuoc minh. My co bo cam van cac nuoc tren the gioi moi giam vao VN.

May thang CS vi van muon tham nhung nen van cung dau. CS con ton tai thi VN van con gap kho khan. Vi du nhe. Neu VN khong co CS thi vu kien tom chang han se duoc Viet kieu giup do cho. Nhung vi CS van con nen khong tan dung duoc su giup do cua Viet kieu. Hon nua di den dau cung bi tay chay, chui rua. Boi vay moi noi CS VN la lu ngu nhu lon.

-- Lam chinh tri phai biet khon kheo (dggt03@hotmail.com), November 23, 2004.