I was married very young in a Catholic church to a man that I met at university. After a year he went back to his first girlfriend, when her new relationship didn't work out. I was very angry and bitter and made him wait as long as possible for a divorce. When he was finally able to apply for an annulment, I got an expert in Canon law to help me and my input at the time was the main factor in him being denied this.

They've been coming to me on and off for 15 years now to try and get me to co-operate with an annulment to allow them to marry. I have to hang my head in shame and admit that it has given me a great deal of pleasure in watching their distress about this, as she is a practising Catholic. They now have children who must wonder why their parents can't participate in the church as they do.

However I've now also met someone new and have had a change of heart. To be honest it is a lot to do with the fact that this man is also a Catholic who would like to marry in the Catholic church. I didn't even tell him I had been married before until six months into our relationship because I thought he would go.

Is the fact that my "husband" obviously wasn't over his ex a reason for annulment? Can you go back with the same reasons for wishing to annul a marriage and ask for a new decision? Or do we need to give another reason. Should I even be now agreeing to this, when I prevented him from getting one when he asked?

-- Carolyn (Carolyn34554@hotmail.com), February 24, 2005

Answers

It is customary to bump posts so they enter the new answers page, which many have bookmarked.

-- bump (bumppmub@bumpmail.com), February 24, 2005.

Two comments.

These are rhetorical questions that you need not answer publicly. Did you lie or hide something last time, when you "got an expert in Canon Law to help" you? If you told the truth and the whole truth then, why would you expect the tribunal to come to a different conclusion now?

You need prayerfully and with total honesty to determine what happened all those years ago. Which of these two is true?
(1) Did you acted or spoke or wrote less than 100% honestly then, out of a desire for revenge?
(2) Did you act 100% honestly then, because you were convinced of the validity of your marriage?

If it was #(1), then you probably committed a mortal sin, and you ought to want to correct the record, clear your conscience through sacramental confession, apologize to your "husband," and help the tribunal to make a more fully informed decision.

If it was #(2), then you ought to humbly and permanently accept the original decision of the tribunal. That would mean sending your new male friend packing. Consider this: If it was #(2), you have always believed that you were still married to your husband, and you therefore had no right to even get involved in a "relationship" with a second man, because that would be a form of unfaithfulness to your husband.

Assuming that what happened was #(1), and you were previously dishonest, and you will allow your "husband" to seek a new tribunal decision, then it may help you and him to review the canons found in the section of the Law that begins at this point. You may ask yourself whether or not you have a duty to help your "husband" get a Canon lawyer to help him this time.

-- (KGreene@eireworld.com), February 24, 2005.

It was a combination of both - I was furious at the way I had been treated. I did not lie when I gave my side the story though - my family has money and they paid for the best help I could get to stop the annulment so I didn't need to tell untruths. My motivation in doing this to him was deep down that I hoped he would come back. After they had kids I realised it was hopeless and I continued to deny them this through malice to be honest.

I am not that religious myself although I was raised Catholic - the annulment was nothing more than a piece of paper to me. My new partner will be disapointed if we have to have a civil service, but says if that is the way it has to be it doesn't matter. We've been living together for a while now.

Now I have found love again I've come to realise that my husband's mistake was to marry on the rebound - I don't think he meant to hurt me the way he did. I was very young but old enough to know better than to let him.

I am coming to think that what is done is done and there is no going back. Sad but true!

-- Carolyn (Carolyn34554@hotmail.com), February 24, 2005.

Dear Carolyn, 15 years is a long time to harbor anger in your heart. Let it go...move on. Contact the Cannon Lawer in your local Diocese and ask for their help in resolving this.

-- Davis (Hello@There.com), March 01, 2005.